「地獄空」攝影集即將在八月中元節前出版,由知名設計師與攝影家黃子欽設計,內附在下二位高徒精美繪製符咒、心經版畫書籤、愣嚴咒牌、尊勝咒語...等,感恩十方大德助印,希望疫情退散,平安喜樂,後記如下:
野放台灣五十餘年,貪狼獨坐,三方四正殺破狼格局,少年多舛,白手起家,隨展覽雲遊四海,如閒雲野鶴常持各類底片機流連廢墟、山川、宮廟忘返,遂設幻影堂自詡堂主,一日三省「凡所有相皆是虛妄」,常宅於暗房沖片放大通宵、鍾情黑白世界之單純,彩色照片俗世繽紛花俏做作甜美甚至比現實更現實故少拍也。知天命之年有餘,了悟人生一瞬、眨眼即逝,雖非仙人,亦無道骨,初聞離垢地生清淨心,但離華嚴「不動地」尚遠,待修持也。
2017年盛暑拍畢《巨神連線》,心律不整差點心肌梗塞向閻羅王報到,意識死神隨伺在側,人生苦短,如何了生脫死、盡斷煩惱、無所罣礙、遠離顛倒……總不得解,蒙釋迦摩尼佛開示飆淚三晝夜,聞佛法數載始知自我渺如塵埃,甚感慚愧。閒暇乃參訪名寺古剎,禮敬焚香佛陀菩薩羅漢諸神天仙王爺媽娘,台灣宮廟千奇百怪、宗派錯綜複雜(佛教、道教、一貫道、天主教、基督教、齋教、回教&大同教、儒教鑾堂、天帝教&天德教、慈惠堂&勝安宮、軒轅教、道院、理教、萬國道德會、會靈山……)、神棍橫行(依人不依法、偶像崇拜、斂財、邪淫),因歷史變遷、社會動盪、政治鬥爭、意識形態等因素導致佛道混雜,但地獄造景稀少,後專注拍攝各殿閻王、判官、陰司、獄卒、七爺、八爺乃至一切罪人,各寺造景巧妙、耐人尋味,意境乖張溢於言表,造型扭曲非常人所能塑也,然匠心獨運、自成一格,專研西方藝術數十載方知真誠樸拙最美,絲毫不輸喬托(Giotto di Bondone,1267~1337)乃至米開朗基羅(Michelangelo Di lodovico Buonarroti Simoni 1475 ~ 1564)矣。
創立於1986年的石門金剛宮風景優美可眺望北濱,雖主祀四面佛,儒釋道眾神尊也不含糊,可過七星橋解厄、繞行五百黝黑羅漢敲鑼印心、跪拜亞洲最大臥佛涅槃像,安太歲自不在話下,甲子太歲爺雙眼長出手掌印象甚深,1994年經閻羅王指示廟公建造一條肚內設極樂世界及陰曹地府之神龍,行走暗黑通道觸動感應機關,只見面容猙獰受刑者呼天搶地喊冤、身邊盡是血肉糢糊殘肢敗屍腦漿塗地,十殿閻羅各司其職、威儀攝人。新北市林口區青嶺湖北文紫祥宮包公廟則以壁面彩塑地獄浮雕獨步全台,粉嫩色彩搭配卡漫風格,尤為造型簡直恐怖到可愛透頂,該廟主祀森羅殿閻羅天子包拯(包青天),陽世冤屈者可至此參拜祭解,求破懸案者眾,逢中元普渡皆以紙紮船渡亡魂至彼岸,全台唯一閻羅天子巨像籌備中,四周環繞墓地,適合修不淨觀也。台灣首尊彰化八卦山大佛旁南天宮(1971)地府則是首座電動地府,規模精小但驚嚇度破表,略顯破敗但五光十色仍蠻凶悍,出自已故台南大道長金登富之作,而電動神明起始可追溯至1960年代北港朝天宮。倒是嘉義水上鄉白人牙膏觀光工廠「戴相府」、「將軍府」設置十殿地府出乎意料之外,乾淨亮麗、ㄧ殿ㄧ間、簡單樸實。由高雄蓮潭龍虎塔龍口入內可見全臺唯一交趾陶地獄牆面,尊尊栩栩如生,續入龍身乃進聞聲救苦白衣觀音大士三十三化身浮雕隧道,造型設色甚為古錐。高雄大岡山超峰寺入口處「西方三聖蓮池海會」(阿彌陀佛、觀世音菩薩、大勢至菩薩巨像)旁設靜態十殿閻羅(1970年代初),雖略為陳舊然韻味猶存,續往上行可抵「證菩提道-釋迦如來應化事迹」雕塑園區,一攬世尊畢生精華。如來年邁時,琉璃國王為報長期被釋迦族輕蔑之傲慢心,世尊雖三次單獨伽跌坐 阻擋大軍進攻之路,但因緣果報無法逆轉,昔日婢女所生王子瞋恨無以復加,還是滅了祖國。自持神通第一目犍連不忍無辜百姓慘遭屠殺,遂以缽盛救度五百族人,最終卻化為血水,佛言神通廣大仍不敵千百劫業力,因緣果報屢試不爽。其母死後墜入餓鬼道飢餓難耐,目犍連遂展神通救渡,但所食尚未入口皆化為赤火,佛陀囑咐農曆七月十五日僧眾解安居自恣日,於盆中設甘露美食供養十方僧眾,因此超度亡母。後世「盂蘭盆法會」乃至「水懺法會」、「瑜珈焰口法會 」皆為消業障、斷塵垢之超渡儀軌,既渡亡魂也自懺悔。
台南麻豆代天府規模宏大、造型豔麗,不但可遊十八層地獄尚可逛天堂(1979年興建,1983年開放),燈光絢爛、聲響駭人,獨自漫步宛如觀落陰、地獄走一回。先過「心頭山」、入「清心池」、進「陰陽界」、抵「交簿廳」、達「鬼門關」、遊「補經所」、探「枉死城」、行「奈何橋」,至ㄧ殿泰廣王照「孽鏡台」現造惡原形,睹抱柱、火床等小地獄。二殿楚江王開「陰查簿 」判案定奪,觀糞尿泥、餓鬼、舞池、寒冰、膿血、鞭韃、舌犁、劍葉、戟腹拋接、砧截……等小地獄。三殿宋帝王刑罰為倒吊、銅鐵刮臉、挖眼、搗樁、倒烤、吸血、穿肋、抽筋、蛆蛀等小地獄……兼遊「四生(胎、卵、濕、化)回魂府」。四殿五官王掌管腰斬、拔舌、沸湯、刺嘴、剝皮、箭樹、車崩、射眼……等十六小地獄。隨五殿森羅王豋「望鄉臺」回眸親人最終眼後觀擊膝、誅心、刀山、飛刀火石……小地獄。六殿卞城王別稱「大叫喚大地獄」,轄火牛、虎啖、噬腎、鉗嘴含鍼、釘喉、磨摧、砍頭……等小地獄。七殿泰山王為「熱惱大地獄」,窺烙手指、抽腸、頂石蹲身、油釜滾烹、割舌穿腮……等十六小地獄。八殿都市王掌管「大熱惱大地獄」兼火狗、鐵汁、鐵蛇、鋸劈斷肢、釘板、灸脊、鐵丸、磅秤……等小地獄。九殿平等王直轄十八層「阿鼻大地獄」,直透地心、內中陰森、不見五指、滿溢地漿,皆為極犯,另轄紫赤毒蛇鑽孔、夾頂、鐵鴉、針雨、蜂蠍……等小地獄。至十殿輪轉王上「觀生臺」、「轉劫所八司」(查驗司 、稽善司 、考過司 、恩怨司 、壽命司 、支配司、掌劫司 、授生司)後至「孟婆亭」飲「醧忘湯」忘盡前塵往事,依前世功德過金、銀、玉、石、木、竹六種橋樑至「轉輪臺(紫河車)」入六道輪迴轉生投胎。據《十八泥犁經》記載,人過世後七七四十九天為「中陰生」,經閻羅王審判善惡業力判定去留或懲罰百千萬劫,犯五逆重罪則墮入「無間地獄(阿鼻地獄)」永劫不復。地藏王乃幽冥教主,統轄十殿閻羅,逢三曹普渡便在各殿設「講道所」超度尚存善根之鬼魂。
人類居於五趣(阿修羅、人、傍生、餓鬼、地獄)雜居地五濁惡世之堪忍世界,犯十惡業(殺生、偷盜、邪淫、妄語、兩舌、惡口、綺語、貪慾、嗔恚、愚痴)者必墮三趣惡道。如何出「三界」(欲界、色界、無色界)二十八天?凡人無此意識,別說能破「十二因緣」(無明、行、識、名色、六入、觸、受、愛、取、有、生、老死)還滅門,更別想斷除「四聖諦」(苦、集、滅、道)集地八十一品見惑與八十八使思惑(五利使-身見、邊見、邪見、見取見、戒禁取見、五鈍使-貪、瞋、癡、慢、疑),了悟「五蘊」(色、受、想、行、識)本空、「十二入」(眼、耳、鼻、舌、意、色、聲、香、味、觸、法)空、「十八界」空,破俱生我執與分別我執、法執甚至空執,生十一處「善心所」(信、精進、慚、愧、無貪、無瞋、無痴、輕安、不放逸、行捨、不害),降二十六處「惡心所」(貪、瞋、癡、慢、疑、惡見、忿、恨、覆、惱、嫉、慳、誑、諂、害、憍、無慚、無愧、掉舉、惛沉、不信、懈怠、放逸、失念、散亂、不正知),須知善根斷盡則陷永劫輪迴、無垠轉世之苦。
地獄可能空滅嗎?若地獄空乏人間多鬼怪,地獄淨空世間何嘗非淨土?若能證空性何處現地獄?
地獄曠古來便廣泛流傳各部族間,老死生滅為自然運行之基礎、宇宙意識之核心,然今文明昌盛如咱城邦並非慾望消弭之所,惡性所及實無可根除,礙於憲法國家法律社會軍隊企業公司學校家庭團體之層層束縛不亞於十八層,乃遁於壓抑、束己情懷,暗埋心底、日久貪嗔痴慢疑怨噌會疊穢。而六塵未熄,心多妄念,妖魔鬼怪魑魅魍魎孤魂閃靈出沒於荒郊乃至人間,會靈於曠野密林以增性靈乃出世高人修煉之舉,我等凡人擅闖宛如迪士尼般之人造地獄,三魂七魄尚不足以出竅,驚邪恐怖淒厲猙獰倒滿足了自以為是的慚愧,豈不謬哉?
病毒肆虐年半有餘,全球確診者逼近一億八千萬,枉死者近四百萬,堪比戰爭規模,望眾生發慈悲心、令往生者安息、善待其他物種、平等有情眾生。地獄本空,唯妄念生起一切羨慕嫉妒恨而地獄現前。盡以此書作為世界新冷戰獨裁者、超限戰者、暗網駭客、陰險狡猾冷嘲熱諷落井下石者之良知備忘錄矣。
姚瑞中寫於2021年端午節
Postscript
I have been living recklessly in Taiwan for more than fifty years. According to Zi Wei Dou Shu (Purple Star Astrology), Tan Lang is the sole star in my house of Self. This star, which represents xxx, forms an equilateral triangle with that star Qi Sha and Po Jun on the square chart and constitutes a Sha Po Lang pattern. The pattern indicates a kind of turbulence and change, a life of wandering with ups and downs and it tells a lot about my life. After my ill-fated youth, I started from scratch and traveled around the world with exhibitions that I participated. Like a flaneur, I wandered around ruins, nature, and temples with every type of film camera obliviously. Thus, I founded the Hall of Illusion and claimed to be the master of the hall. Several times a day, I pondered a quote from the Diamond Sutra, “Everything with form is unreal.” In addition, I usually stayed in the darkroom developing film and enlarging those negatives overnight. However, I treasured the simplicity of the black and white world. The earthly, gaudy, garish, phony and pleasing qualities within colored photos make the images even more realistic than the real world. It is not my cup of tea, so I seldom took colored photos. In Confucian thought, the age of fifty marks the stage knowing the mandate of Heaven. I am now at my fifties and realize how ephemeral human life is. However, I am not an immortal, nor having sagelike characteristics. I just learned that the stage of stainless (the second bhūmi) and develop a pure mind that is free from doubt and defilement. However, I’m still far from the immovable state and need to practice.
In the summer of 2017, after filming the work Incarnation, I experienced a severe heart rhythm problem which almost triggered myocardial infarction and could have killed me. Consequently, I realized that death was waiting for me and the life is too short to figure out how I can liberate myself from the cycle of Birth and Death. I couldn’t comprehend how to be free from all afflictions and worries and how to avoid delusive ideas. I wept for three days and nights after being enlightened by Shakyamuni Buddha. Up to the moment, I felt ashamed that I failed to realize that the self is as insignificant as dust after these years learning and practicing Buddhism. Since then, I have visited famous temples and monasteries in my spare time, worshiping Buddha, Bodhisattvas, arhats, and all the deities and immortals. Taiwan’s temples are myriad with a enormous number of sects, including Buddhism, Taoism, Yiguandao, Catholicism, Christianity, Chinese religions of fasting, Islam& Baháʼí Faith, Confucianism, Tiandiism& Tian-De Teachings, Xiwangmu cult, Yellow Emperor Sect, Precosmic Salvationism, Liism, World Wide Ethical Society, séance cult, etc. Some people even claim that they can mediate communication between the deities or spirits of the dead with human beings, having their believer rely on themselves instead of the orthodox dharma or dogma and pay excessive respect and admiration for the mediums or objects, accumulating wealth through such an unfair means or even harassing their believer sexually. Due to Taiwan’s historical changes, social turbulence, political struggles, and ideological issues, Buddhism and Taoism are somehow mixed. However, there are few emphases on the concept of the hell. As I took photographs of Yama of each court, judges, wardens of the underworld, jailers, General Fan and Hsieh (the ghost escorts) and all sinners, I found few temples cleverly created hellish scenes that are intriguing, exaggerating, and extraordinary. However, the creations are unparalleled unique. I have been studying Western arts for decades and then I came to realize that simplicity makes the most beautiful works of art. These hellish scenes can even compete with works of Giotto di Bondone (1267-1337) and Michelangelo Di lodovico Buonarroti Simoni (1475-1564).
Jingang Temple Shimen District, founded in 1986, overlooks the beautiful North shore. Although the temple is mainly dedicated to Phra Phrom (the Thai representation of Mahabrahma), spirits of Confucianism, Buddhism, and Taoism can also be founded in the temple. The worshipper can go cross the Seven Star bridge to relieve bad luck, walk along the five hundred arhat statues and knock on the gong to affirm one’s Buddha nature. Furthermore, the worshipper can also prostrate themself before Asia’s largest statue of Buddha in Nirvana (the Reclining Buddha statue) and pacify the Taoist Tai Sui deity of the year. I was impressed by the Jia-Zi Tai Sui General that a pair of palms grow out of his eyes. In 1994, the biō-kong (the person taking charge of the temporal affairs of a temple) received a divine inspiration from Yama (the King of Hell) that he had to build a sacred hall in the shape of a divine dragon, with the interior designed according to the World of Ultimate Bliss and the Underworld. When the visitor walks in the dark hallway, they will see the tortured people (dioramas, of course) scrunching their faces and crying bitterly and loudly in excessive grief as the visitor triggers the mechanism. One will even find them in the midst of flesh, body liquid and blood, mutilated limbs, and rotten corpses. While each of the ten Yamas are focusing on their own duties, showing their sacred dignity that collect visitors’ attention. The Baogong Temple in Linkou District, New Taipei City exclusively features colorful depiction of hellish scenes in relief in Taiwan. With its pastel shades and cartoon-like style, the relief is both grotesque and adorable at the same time. This temple is dedicated to Bao Zhen (also known as Justice Bao) representing the incarnation of Yama. Living people who have been treated unjustly can come worshipping Bao Gong and receive exorcism. Therefore, many people come here for seeking to solve unsolved cases. In Zhongyuan Festival (the ghost festival), the temple will burn the Zhizha (paper craft) boat to ferry the ghosts to the other shore, which is the shore of enlightenment. The only giant statue of Yama in Taiwan is still in the making. The temple is surrounded by a cemetery, suitable for meditating on the loathsomeness and impurity. Nantian Temple (1971), located next to the Eight Trigram Mountains Buddha in Changhua, features the first animatronic underworld. Despite the small size, the animatronic underworld is intensely shocking. Though it’s slightly worn, the colorful dioramas are still brutally ferocious. The creator was the late venerable Dao Zhang (Taoist priest) Jing Deng-fu while the origin of animatronic deities can be traced back to the 1960s Beigang Chaotian Temple. On the contrary, the Whiteman Toothpaste Tourism Factory in Shuishang Township, Chiayi, features ten Yamas with individual booth. The place is unexpectedly clean and polished yet keeps a simple and modest tone. Then, the Dragon Pagoda of the Dragon and Tiger Pagodas at Lotus Lake in Zuoying, Kaohsiung, holds the only relief of hellish scenes made of Kochin ceramic. All the figures are vivid and life-like. If one goes further into the pagoda, they will see a relief tunnel of the thirty-three incarnations of the white-robed form of Guanyin (Avalokiteśvara) on a white lotus, with a lovely and interesting design. Another Hall of Yama is built in the 1970s next to the entrance of Dagangshan Chaofeng Temple, located in the Alian District of Kaohsiung. Visitors will also see three statues of the Three Holy Ones of the Western Pureland (Amitābha, Avalokiteśvara, Mahāsthāmaprāpta) which assemble at a lotus pond. Although the hellish scene looks somewhat antiquated, you may still find its previous charm. If one goes further, they will reach the sculptural garden of “Attaining the Bodhi Way: the Incarnation of Sakyamuni Buddha,” where the visitor can see the essence of Bhagavato’s (meaning the Blessed one, one of the common epithets for Buddha) life. When Tathāgata (another epithet for Buddha) was old, the king of Kosala wanted to avenge the arrogance of the tribe of Shakyas who had long despised him, regarding him as a son of a maiden. Although Buddha has sat in lotus position alone three times to stop the army from attacking his tribe. However, one can never reverse the cause and following karma. The prince born of a maiden was so furious that he eventually destroyed his homeland. Maudgalyāyana (one of the Buddha’s closest disciples), who is said to have had supernatural abilities that surpassed the other disciples, could not bear to see the slaughter of innocent people. Thus, he saved five hundred people of his tribe with a pātra (an eating utensil of Buddhist monks). Unfortunately, everything he did was in vain, those who were saved eventually turned into a puddle of blood. The Buddha said that the supernatural abilities cannot surpass the power of karma. The cause and effect work all the time. When Maudgalyāyana’s mother fell into the path of hungry ghost, he used his supernatural abilities to save his mother from hunger. However, all the food turned into fire before being fed to his mother. Later, the Buddha commanded the monks to put nectar and dishes in a basin on the 15th day of the seventh month in the lunar calendar for the monks from all directions to free his mother from reincarnation. In later times, the Ullambana Dharma Service, the Compassionate Samadhi Water Repentance, and the Yoga Collection for Feeding the Searing Mouths Dharma Service are rituals to eliminate karmic hindrance and to cease to worldly delusions. Through such practices, one can free the dead as well as confess their repentance.
Madou Daitian Temple is a magnificent and colorful temple in Tainan. Not only can the worshippers visit the eighteen levels of Hell but also the Heaven (it was built in 1979 and inaugurated in 1983) here. The lighting and sound effects are stunning and frightening. When walking alone in the space, one may feel like taking a Guan Luo Yin trip (a Taoist necromancy which leads people’s spirits to hell and communicate with the dead ones) to visit the underworld prison. Before arriving the first court of the underworld, the visitor will walk through the Mountain of Heart Summit, the Pure Heart Pond, the Frontier between the Living and the Dead Realms, the Soul Registry Hall, the Portico of Demons, the Center for Complementary Teaching of Canonical Books, the Citadel of Premature Death, and the Bridge of Vanity. When one arrives at the first court, they will see King Chin-guang, who is in charge of the court, using the Mirror of Retribution to show the earthly form of evil creatures and also witness the sub-hell of Pillar-Holding and Fire Bed, etc. At the second court, King Chu-jiang collates the register of sins the souls of the dead have committed to impose the punishments. Here, you will see the sub-hell of Excrement and Urine, Hungry Ghost, Burning Dance Floor, Ice, Pus and Blood, Whipping, Tongue-Raking, Sword Blade, Stomach-Piercing, Chopping, etc. Next, the dead at the third court, ruled by King Song-di, will receive the punishments including inversion tortures, face-skinning with steel and copper knife, eye-wrenching, pounding, blood-sucking, rib-piercing, roasting, tendon-taking, being eaten by maggots. The visitor can pay a visit to the Palace of Soul-Resuscitation for the Four Forms of Creatures (birth from an egg, birth from a womb, birth from moisture, and birth by transformation). King Wu-guan is in charge of the fourth court. There are sixteen sub-hells at the fourth court including Waist Chop, Tongue Removal, Boiling Pond, Mouth-stabbing, Skin-peeling, Sword Tree, Burning Wheels and Cart, Eye-shooting, etc. Next, at the fifth court, sinful souls are allowed to ascend the Tower of Hometown-Viewing to take a final look of their family. The visitor will witness sub-hells of Knee-striking, Heart-slicing, Blade Mountain, Flying Swords and Burning Stones, etc. The King of Bian City takes charge of the sixth court, which is also known as the “Great Hell of Screaming,” with sub-hells including Fire Cattle, Tiger-Biting, Kidney-Eating, Mouth-Poking, Throat-Nailing, Iron Mill, Decapitation, etc. The King of Tai-shan is in charge of the seventh court, the “Great Hell of Heat and Fire.” The sixteen sub-hells at this court include Finger-Searing, Bowel-Hauling, Stone-Bearing, Boiling Oil, Tongue-Removal and Cheek-Piercing, etc. Next, the King Du-shi is in charge of the eighth court, the “Great Hell of Intense Fire and Heat,” and the sub-hells including Fire Dogs, Molten Iron, Iron Snakes, Dismemberment, Steel Spikes, Burning-Marrow, Iron Ball, Scale, etc. The ninth court is ruled by the King Ping-deng. It is known as the biggest court, Avici Hell (the Hell of Incessant Suffering), which if the lowest level of the hell realm and the interior is gloomily and terrifyingly dark. Those who committed the most serious evil deed will be sent to the Avici Hell. Sub-hells such as Poisonous Snake, Brain-Removal, Crow-Gnawing, Raining Needles, Wasps and Scorpions are included at this court. After arriving the tenth court, ruled by the Great King of the Reincarnation Palace, one can visit the “Observatory of Life on earth” and the “eight bureaus of the Reincarnation Palace” (including the Bureau of Judicial Control, the Bureau of Good-Actions, the Bureau of Bad-Actions, the Bureau of Debts, Gratitude, and Vengeance, the Bureau of Longevity and Destiny, the Bureau of Familial Ties, the Bureau of the Reincarnated, and the Bureau of Birth). The sinful one will be sent to the Pavilion of Mengpo and made to drink the Soup of Forgetfulness to forget all past affairs. According to the sinful one’s merits of previous life, they will go across one of the six bridges (gold, silver, jade, stone, wood, bamboo) to the “Reincarnation-Wheel (Wheel on the Crimson River).” Finally, one is able to reborn in the six realms. According to the Aṣṭadaśa nāraka sutra ( the Eighteen Hells Sutra), after one passes away, they will enter an intermediate and transitional state between death and rebirth, known as antarābhava in Sanskrit, for forty-nine days. The being will be evaluated by Yama, who will decide if one should get reborn or get punished at the hell. Those who committed the Five Grave Offenses (killing one’s father, killing one’s mother, killing an Arhat, shedding the blood of a Buddha, and creating a schism within the community of Buddhist monks and nun who practice for attaining enlightenment.) will be sent to the Avici Hell and stay there eternally. Kṣitigarbha is the Lord of the Nether World, ruling the ten court of Hell. The lord will set up the “Hall of Teaching” at each court to salvage those sinful ones who still obtain few merits at the offering rituals.
Human beings live the Sahā world (sahāloka in Sanskrit, meaning “endurance of suffering,” a concept of mundane world in Mahāyāna Buddhism) where they share with other reincarnations (including beings of the hells, of the preta, and of malevolent nature spirits) with five turbidities (the Kalpa turbidity, the view turbidity, the affliction turbidity, the living beings turbidity, and the life turbidity). Those who commit the ten evil deeds (killing, stealing, adultery, lying, using immoral language, slandering, equivocating, coveting, anger, and false views) must fall into the three evil paths (animals, preta, and hell). However, how can one escape from the three realms/ twenty-eight heavens (including the six heavens of the desire realm, the eighteen heavens of the form realm, and the four heavens of the formless realm)? Worldly people who don’t have such an awareness cannot leave the cycle of the twelve nidanas (meaning causes or motivations), let alone eliminate the eighty-one afflictions (that have been produced due to misunderstanding regarding reality) and the eighty-eight illusions (including five afflictions of advanced practitioners, also known as five views: view of self, extreme view, evil view, view of attachment to views, and view of morality; and five unintelligent temptations: desire, anger, stupidity, arrogance, and doubt) of thought within the three realms and four Arya satyas (noble truths, including suffering, arising, ending, and path). They cannot realize that the essence of the five skandhas (referring to aggregates of clinging, including the matter of form, sensation, recognition, mental formation, and consciousness) , the twelve ayatana (meaning sense base, including six internal bases: eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, and mind and six external bases: visible objects, sound, odor, taste, touch, and mental objects), and the eighteen dhātavah (meaning compositional elements of human existence, including six consciousness, six faculties, and their objects) are the emptiness and the void. Furthermore, they cannot dispel the two reasons for clinging to the idea of the self and the attachment to elemental constructs and even believe in the two (false) tenets that that karma and nirvana are not real and that the ego and phenomena are real. As a consequence, they fail to develop the eleven wholesome mental factors (faith, energy, conscience, being ashamed, non-attachment, non-aggression, non-delusion, calmness, equanimity, conscientiousness, and non-injuriousness) and cease the sixteen unwholesome mental factors (desire, greed, anger, delusion, arrogance, doubt, wrong view, wrath, enmity, hypocrisy, vexation, jealousy, parsimony, deceit, flattery, harming, ambitiousness, stupidity, lacking of faith, idleness, being unrestrained, forgetting, distraction, non-discernment, ). One must bear in mind that once all our virtuous roots are discontinued, they will be trapped in the never-ending reincarnation and the suffering of infinite continuity.
Is it possible that the hell will be empty one day? If the beings in hell will become extinct while evil spirits inhabit the mundane world, the world could be considered as a pure land. If we could witness the nature of the void, then hell will exist no more.
Since ancient times, the concept of hell has been widely spread among all tribes. Aging, death, beginning, and end are the basis of nature and the core of cosmic consciousness. However, the prosperous civilization as our island is not a place where desire can be eliminated. It’s impossible to eradicate evil nature. Since fetters brought by the constitution, the state, the law, society, the military, corporations, schools, families, and groups are not less than the eighteen levels of hell, the mortals repress themselves, bury their feelings. Day after day, greed, anger, stupidity, arrogance, doubt, and resentment are stacking. However, since the six dust (visible objects, sound, odor, taste, touch, and mental objects) has not yet been extinguished, people in the mundane world are still full of delusions. The demons, devils, evil spirits, and the wondering dead exist in the wilderness, while only advanced practitioners with transcendent would attempt to make contact with the dead in the wasteland and forest. Worldly people like us trespass in Disneyland-like man-made hell. It is absurd and ridiculous that the hellish scenes cannot stop us from perpetrating evil deeds, but the horrific and cruel scenes yet satisfy our self-righteous shame.
The pandemic has been boiling over for more than a year and a half. The number of infected patients worldwide is nearly a hundred and eighty million, and the death toll has risen to four million, which is equivalent to a war crisis. I hope that we can all be compassionate, give peace to the dead, treat all sentient beings well and equally. The hell is innately empty; however, deluded and misleading thoughts would give rise to all jealousy and hatred and then manifest the hell before us. This book merely serves as a memorandum of conscience for dictators of the world’s new cold war, supporters of unrestrained warfare, dark web hackers, and those who are cunning and contemptuous and maltreat others when knowing they have problems.
June 2021,
Yao Jui-chung
同時也有10000部Youtube影片,追蹤數超過2,910的網紅コバにゃんチャンネル,也在其Youtube影片中提到,...
少年 悍 將 電動 在 Facebook 的最佳解答
疫情爆發以來,藝術家能做的事不多,平常就閉關在家其實挺習慣,但是總想為社會做些事、幫上忙,想了半天安撫人心也許還行吧!於是另一本「地獄空」將趕在中元普渡八月初出版上市,由典藏出版社社長發心首肯出版,設計名家黃子欽操刀,附贈很多符咒給大家趨吉避凶。諸惡莫作,眾善奉行,疫情消退,平安喜樂。附上後記給大家解封後參訪這些宮廟,觀照自己的心所。全文如下:
野放台灣五十餘年,貪狼獨坐,三方四正殺破狼格局,少年多舛,白手起家,隨展覽雲遊四海,如閒雲野鶴常持各類底片機流連廢墟、山川、宮廟忘返,遂設幻影堂自詡堂主,一日三省「凡所有相皆是虛妄」,常宅於暗房沖片放大通宵、鐘情黑白世界之單純,彩色照片俗世繽紛花俏做作甜美甚至比現實更現實故少拍也。知天命之年有餘,了悟人生一瞬、眨眼即逝,雖非仙人,亦無道骨,初聞離垢地生清淨心,但離華嚴「不動地」尚遠,待修持也。
2017年盛暑拍畢「巨神連線」,心律不整差點心肌梗塞向閻羅王報到,意識死神隨伺在側,人生苦短,如何了生脫死、盡斷煩惱、無所罣礙、遠離顛倒…總不得解,蒙釋迦摩尼佛開示飆淚三晝夜,聞佛法數載始知自我渺如塵埃,甚感慚愧。閒暇乃參訪名寺古剎,禮敬焚香佛陀菩薩羅漢諸神天仙王爺媽娘,台灣宮廟千奇百怪、宗派錯綜複雜(佛教、道教、一貫道、天主教、基督教、齋教、回教&大同教、儒教鸞堂、天帝教&天德教、慈惠堂&勝安宮、軒轅教、道院、理教、萬國道德會、會靈山…)、神棍橫行(依人不依法、偶像崇拜、斂財、邪淫),因歷史變遷、社會動盪、政治鬥爭、意識形態等因素導致佛道混雜,但地獄造景稀少,後專注拍攝各殿閻王、判官、陰司、獄卒、七爺、八爺乃至一切罪人,各寺造景巧妙、耐人尋味,意境乖張溢於言表,造型扭曲非常人所能塑也,然匠心獨運、自成一格,專研西方藝術數十載方知真誠樸拙最美,絲毫不輸喬托(Giotto di Bondone,1267~1337)乃至米開郎基羅(Michelangelo Di lodovico Buonarroti Simoni 1475 ~ 1564)矣。
創立於1986年的石門金剛宮風景優美可眺望北濱,雖主祀四面佛,儒釋道眾神尊也不含糊,可過七星橋解厄、繞行五百黝黑羅漢敲鑼印心、跪拜亞洲最大臥佛涅槃像,安太歲自不在話下,甲子太歲爺雙眼長出手掌印象甚深,1994年經閻羅王指示廟公建造一條肚內設極樂世界及陰曹地府之神龍,行走暗黑通道觸動感應機關,只見面容猙獰受刑者呼天搶地喊冤、身邊盡是血肉糢糊殘肢敗屍腦漿塗地,十殿閻羅各司其職、威儀攝人。新北市林口區青嶺湖北文紫祥宮包公廟則以壁面彩塑地獄浮雕獨步全台,粉嫩色彩搭配卡漫風格,尤為造型簡直恐怖到可愛透頂,該廟主祀森羅殿閻羅天子包拯(包青天),陽世冤屈者可至此參拜祭解,求破懸案者眾,逢中元普渡皆以紙紮船渡亡魂至彼岸,全台唯一閻羅天子巨像籌備中,四周環繞墓地,適合修不淨觀也。台灣首尊彰化八卦山大佛旁南天宮(1971)地府則是首座電動地府,規模精小但驚嚇度破表,略顯破敗但五光十色仍蠻凶悍,出自已故台南大道長金登富之作,而電動神明起始可追溯至1960年代北港朝天宮。倒是嘉義水上鄉白人牙膏觀光工廠「戴相府」、「將軍府」設置十殿地府出乎意料之外,乾淨亮麗、ㄧ殿ㄧ間、簡單樸實。由高雄蓮潭龍虎塔龍口入內可見全臺唯一交趾陶地獄牆面,尊尊栩栩如生,續入龍身乃進聞聲救苦白衣觀音大士三十三化身浮雕隧道,造型設色甚為古錐。高雄大岡山超峰寺入口處「西方三聖蓮池海會」(阿彌陀佛、觀世音菩薩、大勢至菩薩巨像)旁設靜態十殿閻羅(1970年代初),雖略為陳舊然韻味猶存,續往上行可抵「證菩提道-釋迦如來應化事迹」雕塑園區,一攬世尊畢生精華。如來年邁時,琉璃國王為報長期被釋迦族輕蔑之傲慢心,世尊雖三次單獨伽跌坐阻擋大軍進攻之路,但因緣果報無法逆轉,昔日婢女所生王子瞋恨無以復加,還是滅了祖國。自持神通第一目犍連不忍無辜百姓慘糟屠殺,遂以缽盛救度五百族人,最終卻化為血水,佛言神通廣大仍不敵千百劫業力,因緣果報屢試不爽。其母死後墜入餓鬼道飢餓難耐,目犍連遂展神通救渡,但所食尚未入口皆化為赤火,佛陀囑咐農曆七月十五日僧眾解安居自恣日,於盆中設甘露美食供養十方僧眾,因此超度亡母。後世「盂蘭盆法會」乃至「水懺法會」、「瑜珈焰口法會」皆為消業障、斷塵垢之超渡儀軌,既渡亡魂也自懺悔。
台南麻豆代天府規模宏大、造型豔麗,不但可遊十八層地獄尚可逛天堂(1979年興建,1983年開放),燈光絢爛、聲響駭人,獨自漫步宛如觀落陰、地獄走一回。先過「心頭山」、入「清心池」、進「陰陽界」、抵「交簿廳」、達「鬼門關」、遊「補經所」、探「枉死城」、行「奈何橋」,至ㄧ殿泰廣王照「孽鏡台」現造惡原形,睹抱柱、火床等小地獄。二殿楚江王開「陰查簿」判案定奪,觀糞尿泥、餓鬼、舞池、寒冰、膿血、鞭韃、舌犁、劍葉、戟腹拋接、砧截…等小地獄。三殿宋帝王刑罰為倒吊、銅鐵刮臉、挖眼、搗樁、倒烤、吸血、穿肋、抽筋、蛆蛀等小地獄…兼遊「四生(胎、卵、濕、化)回魂府」。四殿五官王掌管腰斬、拔舌、沸湯、刺嘴、剝皮、箭樹、車崩、射眼…等十六小地獄。隨五殿森羅王豋「望鄉臺」回眸親人最終眼後觀擊膝、誅心、刀山、飛刀火石…小地獄。六殿卞城王別稱「大叫喚大地獄」,轄火牛、虎啖、噬腎、鉗嘴含鍼、釘喉、磨摧、砍頭…等小地獄。七殿泰山王為「熱惱大地獄」,窺烙手指、抽腸、頂石蹲身、油釜滾烹、割舌穿腮…等十六小地獄。八殿都市王掌管「大熱惱大地獄」兼火狗、鐵汁、鐵蛇、鋸劈斷肢、釘板、灸脊、鐵丸、磅秤…等小地獄。九殿平等王直轄十八層「阿鼻大地獄」,直透地心、內中陰森、不見五指、滿溢地漿,皆為極犯,另轄紫赤毒蛇鑽孔、夾頂、鐵鴉、針雨、蜂蠍…等小地獄。至十殿輪轉王上「觀生臺」、「轉劫所八司」(查驗司 、稽善司 、考過司 、恩怨司 、壽命司 、支配司、掌劫司 、授生司)後至「孟婆亭」飲「醧忘湯」忘盡前塵往事,依前世功德過金、銀、玉、石、木、竹六種橋樑至「轉輪臺(紫河車)」入六道輪迴轉生投胎。據「十八泥犁經」記載,人過世後七七四十九天為「中陰生」,經閻羅王審判善惡業力判定去留或懲罰百千萬劫,犯五逆重罪則墮入「無間地獄(阿鼻地獄)」永劫不復。地藏王乃幽冥教主,統轄十殿閻羅,逢三曹普渡便在各殿設「講道所」超度尚存善根之鬼魂。
人類居於五趣(阿修羅、人、傍生、餓鬼、地獄)雜居地五濁惡世之堪忍世界,犯十惡業(殺生、偷盜、邪淫、妄語、兩舌、惡口、綺語、貪慾、嗔恚、愚痴)者必墮三趣惡道。如何出「三界」(欲界、色界、無色界)二十八天?凡人無此意識,別說能破「十二因緣」(無明、行、識、名色、六入、觸、受、愛、取、有、生、老死)還滅門,更別想斷除「四聖諦」(苦、集、滅、道)集地八十一品見惑與八十八使思惑(五利使-身見、邊見、邪見、見取見、戒禁取見、五鈍使-貪、瞋、癡、慢、疑),了悟「五蘊」(色、受、想、行、識)本空、「十二入」(眼、耳、鼻、舌、意、色、聲、香、味、觸、法)空、「十八界」空,破俱生我執與分別我執、法執甚至空執,生十一處「善心所」(信、精進、慚、愧、無貪、無瞋、無痴、輕安、不放逸、行捨、不害),降二十六處「惡心所」(貪、瞋、癡、慢、疑、惡見、忿、恨、覆、惱、嫉、慳、誑、諂、害、憍、無慚、無愧、掉舉、惛沉、不信、懈怠、放逸、失念、散亂、不正知),須知善根斷盡則陷永劫輪迴、無垠轉世之苦。
地獄可能空滅嗎?若地獄空乏人間多鬼怪,地獄淨空世間何嘗非淨土?若能證空性何處現地獄?
地獄曠古來便廣泛流傳各部族間,老死生滅為自然運行之基礎、宇宙意識之核心,然今文明昌盛如咱城邦並非慾望消弭之所,惡性所及實無可根除,礙於憲法國家法律社會軍隊企業公司學校家庭團體之層層束縛不亞於十八層,乃遁於壓抑、束己情懷,暗埋心底、日久貪嗔痴慢疑怨噌會疊穢。而六塵未熄,心多妄念,妖魔鬼怪魑魅魍魎孤魂閃靈出沒於荒郊乃至人間,會靈於曠野密林以增性靈乃出世高人修煉之舉,我等凡人擅闖宛如迪士尼般之人造地獄,三魂七魄尚不足以出竅,驚邪恐怖淒厲猙獰倒滿足了自以為是的慚愧,豈不謬哉?
病毒肆虐年半有餘,全球確診者逼近一億八千萬,枉死者近四百萬,堪比戰爭規模,望眾生發慈悲心、令往生者安息、善待其他物種、平等有情眾生。地獄本空,唯妄念生起一切羨慕嫉妒恨而地獄現前。盡以此書作為世界新冷戰獨裁者、超限戰者、暗網駭客、陰險狡猾冷嘲熱諷落井下石者之良知備忘錄矣。
姚瑞中寫於2021年端午節
少年 悍 將 電動 在 你(妳)好,我是莎拉。 Facebook 的最讚貼文
[我想,關於長大這件事](葉佩雯)
有人才認識了四個月,就已經懷孕三個月、有人交往七年卻才結婚半年就以離婚收場、有人求婚時說:「我會連妳的家人一起照顧」,婚後改口:「妳爸媽是妳爸媽」、有人為了忘記一個男人而和另一個男人結婚,人妻的身份卻讓當初得不到的那個人回來了⋯⋯。
我想,關於長大這件事,就是從來不曾想過會發生在自己身上的事發生了,然後逐漸與之共存的過程。
說來可笑,人生的進程竟像是向下沉淪。
那些我曾想與他結婚生子共度一生的男人,現在明著與別人發展成了這樣的關係。在接連聽見前男友們結婚生子的消息後,我嘲謔的揚起一抹苦笑,想著我和他們之間到底發生了什麼事,導致我們無法走到最後。雖然總是好險好險地拍著胸口說「幸好不是我」,可是是什麼把「一定是我」變成了「幸好不是我」?
我有種預感,如果我沒有想清楚這點,往後的「一定是我」都會變得無疾而終。而我不想悲觀地接受命運使然的論點,我想在有限的緣分中開創出屬於自己的最大值。所以即便情感上抗拒去回想那些甜蜜而沉痛的記憶,理智上還是為自己展開了一段偵查辦案,逼自己直視可能的解答。
當然兩人世界裡,自己並不是唯一的變因,對方也是。但我想探究的是自己為何可以背棄了自己的海誓山盟、海枯石爛,我才能明白往後要在怎樣的條件下,才不會成為自己對自己說謊、將自己寵溺成自私軟弱的人。
K先生是我所交往過的男人中,率先結婚生子的。當然他的年紀也是最大,所以會有這樣的結果我也並不意外。不過如果將戀愛用人生歷程來分成幾個階段,社會責任的輕重,將是筆墨濃淡的主筆。我與他相戀在我剛出社會之際,恰是肩上的擔子剛剛壓上,還感覺不出實際壓力,會為了所謂「責任感」感到天真驕傲的時候。
正式在一起之後,我們很快就算是同居在一起了。他的家庭關係不好,自高職畢業後就一個人出外工作自立自強養活自己。這樣的人在有交往對象之後通常都會與另一半締結一種非婚家庭關係,一方面彼此照應生活所需,成為心理依靠、一方面打炮不用特地花錢開房間,滿足生理需求。
有趣的是,我是他在外偷吃的女人。所以我們所謂的「正式」在一起,便是在我打敗元配篡位成功之後發生的事。而在那之前,我們已經祕密進行了將近一年的地下活動。
我永遠難以忘記,我陪他去從「他們」家搬出來那天,他臉上帶著怎樣複雜的堅毅與憔悴,一種想要快刀斬亂麻的決心和對舊有舒適圈的依依不捨,弔詭的同時寫在他疲倦的臉容上。我雖然開心他願意為了我與前女友做個了斷,但看見他這樣兩難的神情,卻也有些必須按捺住想叫他算了就回頭上樓吧的心疼。
在還沒找到新房子的過渡期,他先回到老家居住。也因著這個緣故,我第一次有機會接觸他的原生家庭。環境不算凌亂,看得出來有在維持整理,但傢俱裝潢畢竟傳統老舊,洗石子地板配上木製桌椅,總令人難以產生耳目一新的觀感。加上他和家人的關係不好,這樣的家庭會讓人想逃離也是在所難免。
那陣子,與前任的心理切割和與原生家庭的試圖重新融合,讓男友的心情盪到谷底。所幸,在他妹妹的幫忙下,他很快地找到了新的居住地點,是和妹妹一起分租一棟電梯華廈的兩房一廳。由於妹妹是一位極愛潔的人,我們倆在「外人」的監視下也不好意思太過任性妄為,因此住在那棟房子裡的歲月還算是清清爽爽,不會做菜的我甚至偶爾會有樣學樣的洗手作羹湯,為生活增添情趣,倒也換得了一段駕馭了生活浪濤的平靜日子。
不過,好景不常,房東在半年後突然要收回房子,要我們另覓新居,同時妹妹結交新的男友,欲搬去與新男友同居。關於生活的擔子在經歷這些風波以後,算是又重重的壓回肩頭。不過,此時的我,已經經過了一年小三隱忍的歲月,又和他度過了半年的歲月靜好,我出社會工作也要兩年了、我的薪資水平與生活水準都還在中產之列⋯⋯綜合上述種種,沒道理我們倆單飛以後會過得比較不好。再加上在和我在一起之前,男友已經和前女友有過頗長的同居經驗,以自我主義的心態,更認為自己不可能會在「生活」的環節上輸給前女友。
我抱著信心和期待與男友展開新生活,決心將自己打造成wife material。畢竟一個女人一生總有一個時刻都要這麼坦然地走入家庭,而亞洲女性不知為何在走入家庭後都會自動生出一種持家技能,像是月經突然來潮代表子宮的成熟能孕育生命。他是我第一個這麼以「結婚為前提」的對象,有別於學生時代沒有經濟壓力只求激情爽快、不只解心裡的癢也解生理的癢的那種愛情,經過真正社會的洗禮,我們肯定也多出了一份相濡以沫的堅貞情緒。
我愛他,所以我們可以;我可以養活我們,所以我們更沒有什麼不行。這不就是複雜愛情中所能精煉出最純粹的東西嗎?愛情與麵包的平衡,人世間所有悲喜幾乎都來自於這根槓桿的微妙搖擺。我抓住了兩個應該是等重的砝碼,在手上掂一掂,然後擺在橫陳在我們之間的那根扁擔兩端,撐起來。從此,在我肩上的是一個家,是我對愛情的終極幻想,而我抓住了那若有似無的泡泡,真真正正地感受到了愛情的重量。
換到一個新環境,剛開始總是有些新鮮的。我們的新居樓下就是一座小型夜市,七坪左右的套房空間,除了不能開伙以外五臟俱全。男友當時手頭緊,我大方出借了一個月租金和兩個月押金,再一起添購了一些生活用品,並將新房子裡裡外外好好打掃一遍過後,真正的兩人世界於焉開展。
生活公約在此時此刻突然成為生命中最重要的金科玉律。我會將脫下但還沒要洗的衣服仔細折疊好收回衣櫃裡、他在進家門的第一件事就是去洗腳、所有垃圾進行有條不紊的回收分類、甚至在歡愛過後,還能收束一絲心神整理床鋪,拍平淫靡的痕跡。我們的愛情由激情長出尊重,理性與感性的消長來到一個甜蜜點,這樣的內外調和,大約就是人類世界最美好的樣子,烏托邦的形式。
然後第一隻臭襪子開始出現在床腳、洗好的衣物待在沙發上的時間逐漸大於在衣櫃裡的、吃完東西也不急著清理了,可以和油鹹香味睡上一晚也不覺飽膩⋯⋯。若是誰都沒說什麼,那還能維持一種表面的和平;若是有誰忍不住動手整頓,嘴上的槍等於也跟著上膛,多辛苦、多犧牲、多想運用環境整潔達到天人合一,責任感成為愛意的等號,愛不愛我不是嘴上說、身體做,而是該隱晦而顯然的展示在周遭空間裡。
自此我終於開始明白,愛情真的不是只要有愛就好了,麵包也僅是基本而已,更多的好像是對自我的提升與修養,可是這些通常我們都只有在曖昧的時候積極做個表面功夫,然後隨著對彼此的熟悉慢慢恢復自我,逐漸分不清楚你愛的究竟是我什麼、我愛的究竟是哪個你。
脫去新鮮感的外衣後,不論是對彼此的、對新居的、對可能是永遠的起點的,我們變成一顆鋒芒的超新星,用原始赤裸的力量碰撞,形成宇宙還是兩敗俱傷未可知,我只知道我越來越討厭回家,回我們那個越來越髒亂黏膩黴菌滋生的小地方,而那曾是我全部的愛與靈魂的所在。
我們吵的架越來越多,身體健康也隨著吵架次數惡化,我和他的皮膚的某塊地方都變得奇癢難耐,抓了紅腫,甚至長出突起。他賺的錢沒有我多,放假只會在家打電動,每個月月底還要跟我擋個三千、五千;我自己也好不到那裡去,開始和有錢的男人約會,享受一切都有價錢可以解決的舒適便利。我曾經是很愛他的,想到他和前女友在一起的樣子就整副心肺都要嘔出的狂戀;無法想像別的男人,只能和他有未來、有明天。可是生活的擔子把我們壓成什麼樣子了?竟連在這個世界上最肯定的一件事都能改變。
我突然覺得人生好殘忍,給了我們一件這世上最美好的事,覺得擁有這個東西我就能夠抵抗全世界;卻又要急急地收回去,而且不用什麼手段,光是用日常就能損耗消磨我們。愛情抗戰變得愚蠢而廉價,我為何要為了這個連生活自立都有問題的男人神魂顛倒、在所不惜?究竟是因為愛情盲目了我?還是這世上本就沒有真愛,我們都只能自私地只為自己做打算?
最後我們當然是只能分手了。我還清楚記得我和他分手的那天,正好是我的生日。當時的我們感情已經很差,我假藉工作之故,讓別的男人帶我去過了生日,並接受了昂貴的禮物。那晚我在男人送我回本家後,將對方送我的東西收好在自己的房裡,然後十分無奈地嘆了口氣,帶著一種驕傲與施捨的複雜情緒,用手機叫了一部計程車,回到我和K先生的小地方。
那晚他為了我,特意提早下班。看他蹣跚進入家門的樣子,我知道他喝了酒,但不是為了開心的那種,是為了澆愁。我身為女友,一個曾經為他許下千萬個堅貞誓言的女子,自然很是明白他的愁苦,卻一點也不想替他開解。
那時的我,對於這個凌亂狹小的家、對於我們早已不純粹的愛情,已經幾乎沒有任何依戀。
他的眼神一觸到我,旋即閃現星光,那眼窩中的星火燎原,代表他的愛情多過我的,而我為此感到沾沾自喜,同時也感到不安。
他在我身側坐下,慎重地自胸腹吐了一口氣,然後道:「生日快樂。」接著從口袋裡掏出一個包裝精美的禮物,遞向我。
我接過,竟沒好氣地回了一句:「你哪來的錢?」
「妳的生日,總是要送。」他喏喏回道。我從他的口氣判斷,定是又和哪個倒霉的朋友借錢了,然後又更生厭煩。
我沒再多說什麼,三兩下動手就拆開了原先完美的包裝,裡頭裝著的是以他財力負擔不起的名牌手錶,但卻不是我喜歡的式樣,外觀設計只能虛妄地聲張其價值。被另一個男人用錢砸了一晚,我已經累了,再看見這麼張揚的禮物,我便道:「拿去退,不用幫我花這個錢,反正你也沒錢。」聽見這樣的揶揄他該要更刺痛地與我爭吵,但那晚或許是我們愛情最後一幕迴光返照,他竟軟了下來,章魚無骨似的纏繞著我,求我不要再和他吵了,我們合好好不好。
我一開始掙脫,但愧疚憐憫的情緒油然而起,最後竟也在他的愛撫下脫去衣物與他燕好。但就剩下這樣了,動物性的交合。再多的情慾也收拾不了已經紛亂的情感,像我們再也無法乾淨整潔的小窩。
天亮後,看著他一絲不掛的胴體,我知道我們已經把彼此最純真美好的給交換過了,然後我說了分手,要走。他懶懶地趴在床上看我,也終究不攔著了。
由於在分手之前我對他的情感已經所剩無幾,因此分手後也沒有難過多久便恢復了單身的光彩;他更厲害,在分手一個月內便交了新女友,然後這個女人即是他現在的老婆。
在恨一個人的時候,對對方最深刻的詛咒往往便是希望他找不到真愛,孤獨終老一生。但當我得知他們共結連理的消息,我僅是有些嫉妒,也很快雲淡風輕。才明白,原來沒有愛了也就沒有恨了,愛有時是恨的起點、有時是恨的一體兩面;反之亦然。我已經忘了當初我究竟愛他什麼、也不太想理解我們為什麼沒辦法走到最後,只是有點好奇,那個女人為什麼可以取代我,成為那一個人,雖然後來的我也不是很想成為那一個人就是了。
聽說那個女人很能無條件地包容他(跟當初的我一樣)、很會照顧整理他們的地方(跟當初的我一樣)、很愛他(跟當初的我一樣)、認為他是她非嫁不可的男人(跟當初的我一樣)。
如果上述那些我都有,我沒能和他走到最後,另一個人卻成功了,我們只能很無奈地把原因歸咎於命運使然、個性不合這樣籠統的邏輯。然後雙手一攤大嘆生不逢時、遇人不淑。這樣想很簡單、很直觀、腦的耗氧量相當低,以求生存為設計的原始大腦相當偏好這樣的自我解答,然後繼續猥瑣的期待新戀情、期待能有一個人帶來生命的真諦。然而在他之後,我的期待總是一再落空,所有看起來能給我指引一條方向的男人都讓前途更加迷茫,不論我如何包裝自己、學習將自己弄得更漂亮、使出多少魅惑的手段,結果還是一樣。
我想問題似乎不能這麼簡單地說是生不逢時、遇人不淑了。有鑒於在他之後我只交過一個正式男友(其他都在曖昧階段便無疾而終),而且非常短暫只有交往三個月,還是我回鍋的高中初戀情人,所以我僅能從K先生這個我出社會之後唯一交往過以結婚為前提的對象為破口,去推敲我和他老婆之間的不同。
在他人面前,我時常自戀的大言不慚是因為我太好了,好過他老婆太多,他配我不起才無法繼續下去。不過有一次,我竟被一位和K先生的共同老友潑了一桶冷水:「其實我真的覺得他們現在過得挺好的,他們住的地方不大,也還在租房子,可是他老婆真的很會照顧家裡,我跟我女朋友去過幾次,都覺得蠻溫馨的。」這根芒刺在背徹底穿過心肺,我從這番話中隱約看見自己真正的問題所在。
其實K先生與其妻能在和我分手之後以迅雷不及掩耳之姿就交往,用屁股想也知道,在我和他分手之前他們大概已經暗渡陳倉。同樣是小三身份篡位成功,我與其妻對他的愛意應該相去不遠是真的,那麼能不能進入下一個階段的關鍵變因,就粗略地只剩會不會照顧家裡這項技能而已。
我想起和他一同單飛、從和妹妹一起的居所搬出來的那段時日,我從一開始的信心滿滿到最後的逃避擺爛,我不諱言自己對那段感情的付出已經夠多了,可是我真的盡了全力嗎?
我其實沒有。
再怎麼愛他、經濟能力再怎麼自給自足,我依舊沒有對「生活」這件事負起該有的責任。愛不能解決一切、錢也並非萬能。轉頭看看我個人十分凌亂的房間,我有些悲哀地領悟到,即便每年生日蛋糕上的蠟燭都多上一支、法令紋隱隱約約地深刻,我仍舊沒有成長,仍像是滿懷情慾亂發亂射的青少年一樣,連最基本的照顧自己都做不到。可是脫離了筋骨時常因抽高而痠痛、乳房因經期而腫脹的青春期,我發覺自己可以一而再、再而三重新加值的情感能量也越來越少了,像是重複充電的手機電池,即便充飽了還是不敷使用一樣。
我好想愛,可是我怕我再也揮霍不起。
當我把自己的情感用完,我如果沒有長大,我還剩下些什麼?
原來超級英雄不是只要有超能力就好,心也要相對強大,才有可能負擔得起這樣的能力。我一直拿自己充滿了愛這點當作賣點,卻完全沒意識到,少了愛就什麼都不是這點也挺丟臉的。當愛沒了依附就成了扶不起的阿斗,我除了愛人,我還會什麼?又說愛與恨是相生相對,當我能力不足,愛最後都變成恨了,不是點石成金的魔法。突然這空有一身的能量也挺可怕,不如做個沒有情感的機器,對這世界的貢獻還要多上一些。
至此,我終於肯承認自己的確沒有相對應於愛的能力。我很愛每一個經手的男人沒錯,也為他們激出了春蠶到死絲方盡的能量,無時無刻不想著他們,想將自己綁縛在他們的雙腿之間,成為第三顆陰囊。但除了這樣淫賤地蜷縮,我在生活之中還真是毫無用武之地,對人生除了戀愛之外不做他想。
其實讓我變得卑劣下流的從來不是那些我聲嘶力竭去愛的男人,是無能的我自己。
如果我還想結婚生子,我就必須開始實習戀愛以外的事情。愛情這支股票我已經投入太多也慘賠不少。是時候去換換投資標的,看能不能多少拿回一點。反正我也是一個人,不停意淫那個現在沒有的未來的對象,也實屬過於變態兼之不切實際。
我很粗糙的歸納出自己其實沒有「持家」的能力,才讓我與K先生的愛情多了一個被人有機可趁的空隙,但若要我突然就能把自己的家給照顧好了,根本是天方夜譚。但,自己的房間呢?我有沒有辦法,至少,把房間給整理好,由小及大、見微知著、由外而內,也漸漸地把自己的心給整理了?
有了這樣的想法以後,我開始去尋找合適的作為。那時,坊間有一本很紅的關於「整理」的書籍,由日本人近藤麻理惠小姐所著的《怦然心動的人生整理魔法》。我在朋友的推薦下去圖書館借了這本書並開始研讀,然後發狠照著裡面的方法整理了自己的房間。方法不難,但要徹底實踐也並非易事,因為需要將盤據在房內的所有物品全數取出,一樣一樣分辨是否還有「心動」的感覺,來決定物品去留,並分區、分類,依近藤小姐所創造的方法折疊、放置。
光是把房間裡的所有東西都拿出來「感應」一遍並丟棄,就花了我大概一週的時間,然後再花了一週重新整理歸位物品。每天都是下班後拖著疲累的身軀繼續與懶散奮戰,試圖抗衡那令我人生不斷沉淪的真實自己。在這單調無聊看似無止無盡的整理過程中,我突然發覺,其實我的敵人不是K先生、不是其妻、不是那些玩完我就不愛我了的男人,是我搞不清楚狀況就無盡寵溺的自己。
這些堆疊了就忘記了的物品、重複購賣又放到過期的東西,就像是那些男子對待我的態度,因為我就像是一個什麼都有卻什麼都不深刻、令人眼花撩亂的女人,真實的我究竟有什麼好,連我自己都不知道,別人怎麼會清楚。
房間整理好後,「維持」也成了一門學問。近藤小姐的整理術的好處,就在於徹底實施過後,維持起來也相對容易。但當自己逐漸變成稍有潔癖之人後,才發現,原來,灰塵、髒污、凌亂,並不是下定決心清理一次就再也不會出現的東西。而是一直、一直地,會在各種軟弱無力的時刻出現,不斷測試你與之抗衡的決心。
心境的轉變與成長也並沒有神奇地在房間整理好那天就突然發生。而是在無限循環頭髮掉了、灰塵落下了、殺死蟲子了的過程中,有點無奈有點煩又有點驕傲地將之清理的動作裡,逐漸體會了壞事從來不會停止發生,它會不斷、不斷地落下,所以我們必須不停、不停地清理,用恆久的耐心、用各種被磨礪出的人生小智慧、甚至與人交際的道聽塗說,一次次嘗試、動作,才有可能把生活維持成一個得以見人的樣子。
然後我明白了我的愛是一種極為珍貴的點綴生活的魔法,是蛋糕上的草莓,它過於甜美容易令人為之瘋狂,但若沒有樸實無華的堅實基底,最終也是令人眼花撩亂膩了罷了。愛讓我們體現平凡生活的美好,卻無法彈無虛發無限使用。除了愛的以外的一切其實和愛是相輔相成的,是我高空彈跳時的降落傘。我與K先生沒能走到最後的原因即便可能沒有那麼簡單,畢竟很會整理家務的人也會離婚了,但我至少願意從我一直缺乏的地方下手,一次次完備自己,再也不拿自己很有愛來當作不努力的藉口。
我的年紀也不小了,濃重的愛也確實漸漸少了,我想留著一點庫存給真正有能力照顧自己也照顧我、給願意好好胼手胝足於生活的人,我們能於日常的辛勞中偷拿出一點愛情的果實相視而笑,然後終於不被每日巡迴不停止的壞消息毀滅,而能用積累於手掌的厚繭去面對。
小時候只要一失戀,除了找每個朋友大吐苦水尋求一輪安慰以外,我同時也很愛上網看一些「愛自己」、「你值得更好」⋯⋯等言論的文章及討論。那有一種邪教般飲鴆止渴的作用,總能讓我一把鼻涕、一把眼淚,看得頻頻點頭稱是又感覺自己似乎充滿了能量。並且我會非常著迷於一種無言的復仇,想方設法將自己的生活、外表弄得更勝以往,尤其在社群網站興起之後,所有可能被看見的照片、貼文,都藏入了大量顯擺的心思,似乎只要自己的客觀人氣甚囂塵上,對方的後悔積分就會跟著水漲船高,我就能在這場其實已經是輸了的戰役中,隱隱約約地也贏回了什麼。
時間是最簡單也最深沉的智慧。當我隨著光陰流逝逐漸忘卻那個曾經最在心上的人,我們往往會誤會是因為自己成長了、更好了,所以可以瀟灑拋下那些其實不夠好的東西,包括配不上自己的愛人。但當我還陷在輸贏的二元對立中,無法放下個人成見的時候,我其實還是一樣,沒有因為更精緻的妝容、更出色的打扮,甚至更正點的身材、更豐富的生活而擁有更正確富足的心靈。我依舊貧乏,想要贏、想要關注、想要愛。我還是不知何謂愛自己,更好的人也沒有因此愛上我。
我從來就是一個沒有潔癖的人,從小到大的房間都令人不忍卒睹。雖然世上也有亂中有序、大智若愚的言論,我也常常拿來當作自己不愛整潔的藉口,反正出門在外別人看見的地方光鮮亮麗就好。可或許是內在反映外在,我其實也不是這麼喜歡自己的生活型態,只是懶得改變所以乾脆以為自己喜歡這樣。
如果人的一生就是為了接受原本的自己,那麼我們就當動物就好了,出生、成長、交配、死亡,腦子恐龍大小便好,想那麼多幹嘛。可若我們得以在千萬年的演化中突破了,勉強地長出了不同於黑猩猩百分之一的基因,這項變因應該就是為了要讓我們改變,得以遇見更好的自己,有機會透過自己的選擇與作為,真正地去愛上自己。
在不斷地透過選擇、改變、努力、維持生活的過程中,而且是向內的,是只對自己負責,不需放上網供別人按讚,每天會有點辛苦、有點抗拒的那種,我逐漸明白其實愛自己是要放膽讓自己吃點苦頭,去做想像得到但還做不到的事情,然後逐漸熟悉,發覺自己其實有能力、真的值得被愛,然後能力越強,自信心也越充滿。
這樣講好像很奇怪,可是我真的在每天讓自己吃一點苦的過程中,漸漸更喜歡自己了。
當然也會有對自己失望的時候、想做到但做不到的時候,可是明白自己的極限不才是真正地愛自己?真心心疼自己的軟弱與無力,不是意淫那個想像中無敵的、全世界都愛的自己,放開胸懷接納自己可悲的可愛,不論好壞,都願意與自己共存共榮,才能稱之為真愛啊。
在我學會愛上自己以後,我清楚自己真的極好,所以我不會再去選擇會讓自己辛苦的男人;我在與人相處的過程中,也能了解誰沒有幾樣過不去的缺陷,所以不容易得理不饒人。
結果我因為愛自己而更會愛人了。由內及外,我竟看見了生命的完整。
現在的我的房間,一個月有半個月是亂的。在每次衣服剛洗好曬好,一批批丟回來那幾天、剛出國回來那陣子,總會一張雙人床只剩單人床的空間可以睡。但總在某個時刻,我會突然看不下去,動手發狠整理一番。也由於有打好整理房間的基礎,不出半個小時就可以整理成自己可以接納的樣子,清清爽爽地在床上做大字蝴蝶。
我努力了、嘗試了,並找到自己的極限,和自己和平相處。然後我回想起曾經的戀情,發現即便其實是現在這樣「最好的我」,也不見得能和K先生走到最後。他需要的,或許是在家務方面更強悍的女人;我需要的,或許是在家務方面更包容的男人。他需要的,或許是在經濟方面更不斤斤計較的女人;我需要的,或許是在經濟方面更強勢的男人。我擺脫了過去盲目的愛情,為自己理出一片天清氣爽,終於能不後悔了、不再計較輸贏。我們就是人生的旅途中曾一起走過一段的同伴,有過歡笑、有過淚水,但曾為彼此付出的愛情是上天甜蜜的禮物,從對方身上看見的自己的缺乏的技能,才是為未來路程實用的工具。
我從那段混亂髒黏的的愛情裡立定跳遠,我知道和下一個男人結合的時候不是只要愛、只要錢就足夠,我還得將自己修養為真心喜歡自己的人,我才不容易失衡、不容易怨天尤人,我才有實現心裡理想戀愛的可能。
我想,關於長大這件事,就是從來不曾想過會發生在自己身上的事發生了,然後逐漸與之共存的過程。
不過,現在的我已經不認為這些接踵而來的奇情故事是拉我墮入地獄的鬼手,而是實實在在的我生活的一部份,不會止息,但我也不會害怕,像每日落下的灰塵、毛髮,那只是日常,只要我們懂得清理它。
過去曾經真心愛過的戀人得到了幸福,我也在失去他們的過程中尋回愛上自己的能量。長遠來看,這個世界其實充滿了好事。我的愛不再變成恨,我的恨也都成了愛。
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