【孩子的心理平安】
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
I laughed as I read this quote by Franklin Jones.
Without fail, almost every lesson, this 7-year-old boy would gamely walk up to me and bellow, "老師,我好喜歡你啊!" (Teacher, I like you so much!)
He was rather tall and big for his age. Last week, he gave me a bear hug out of the blue, nearly knocking me over like a bowling pin.
To encourage him to speak more Mandarin, I engaged him in a conversation and asked, "你爲什麼那麽喜歡李老師?" (Why do you like me so much?)
He chirped excitedly with his toothy grin, "因爲你很漂亮!" (Because you are very pretty!)
I don't know whether to cry or to laugh.
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This Facebook comment from Madam Teo struck a chord with me:
"我們用很長很長很長的時間把自己或孩子「弄壞」,然後期待以非常簡潔廉價的方式拿回那已經長茧的健康心理。"
We used a very very very long period of time to damage ourselves or our children. Then we look forward to reclaim that once healthy mindset, which is now infested with worms, with very cheap, easy and clean methods.
It is extremely hard to be a parent, much less a capable one.
Sometimes, there is nothing more ego tripping than trying to be a good parent.
Recently, I got hold of this book and the foreword written by a magazine editor, who is a working mum of two, was particularly insightful, and somewhat poignant.
She wrote:
從孩子一出生開始,我們爲人父母者的腦子裡就會出現兩個字:教育。我們希望通過「教育」讓孩子知書達理、令行禁止、敏而好學、從善如流。我們希望通過「教育」來塑造我們和孩子之間良好的關係⋯⋯祇是,「教育」二字帶來的強大使命感和緊迫感讓我們忽略了這樣的事實:我們與孩子之間先有關係,後有教育,我們首先是一個生命與另一個生命的親密組合,其次才是一個生命幫助另一個生命成爲更好的自己(且不論究竟是誰幫誰)。
From the beginning of a child's birth, the word that appears in the brains of us parents would be "education".
We hope that through "education", our children will be highly cultured and steeped in propriety, obey orders, smart and fond of studying, and follow good advice readily.
We wish that through "education", we build good relations with our children.
Thing is, the strong sense of mission and urgency, drummed by the word "education", often causes us to neglect this fact: We first have a relationship with our children, before education comes in.
We and our children, are essentially an intimate combination of one life with another life.
Secondly, it is then about one life helping another life to become a better version of himself/herself. (Let's not talk about who is actually helping who.)
.
These got me thinking about my work and my clients.
How some of them would move homes to be near the desired schools for their offspring.
How they send their kids to many many enrichment classes.
How they work very hard (some become SAHMs) to have better abilities to groom and nurture their children for their future.
They share the same aspiration as the magazine editor. It is no secret that most Singaporean parents take education very seriously. Instead of the phrase Tiger Mum, in Singapore, we call ourselves Lion Mums. #MajulahSingapura *mane flick*
When a male client came back seeking my Feng Shui service, I asked him why. I asked every client why by the way. It is my method of understanding my appeal to my market.
He told me he got favourable results since our Bazi consultation. His little girl getting into the school of their first choice was one reason.
It was a casual mention then when he told me about the school application. Through him, I learnt about the stress parents go through to get their children enrolled in the right schools. Out of empathy, I asked for his daughter's birth details and did a quick calculation to see if their preferred school was a good choice for her Bazi. Just because the parents like a particular school, does not mean the child will really benefit and be happy studying there.
Jackpot, it was great for the little girl. I gave my client some tips to secure the coveted spot in that school. It was a little extra bonus I gave him beyond the usual Bazi consultation. He had been mildly supportive of my work and remained polite, when I pointed out his areas to improve in our interactions.
.
More than once, clients have asked me if they can move homes to be near a particular school, for the sake of their children.
My answer is:
Always consider your marriage and livelihood first.
The energies in our living environment can either nurture us or break us. Not all houses are made equal.
If you are in a bad luck cycle, pretty sure you would know it without a fortune teller telling you, chances are you would be attracted to a house of poor Feng Shui. For without the intervention of a Feng Shui practitioner, the state of our Bazi determines the kind of Feng Shui we will naturally get.
The husband is considered the master of the house. While grooming our children is essential, you shouldn't compromise on the husband's career by moving into a house of lousy Feng Shui, just so that the child can register into your dream school.
Money woes, stagnant growth and loss of direction/drive in life can nail a stake into an otherwise happy family.
Last I know, broken families and highly strung parents are never recommended ingredients for happy and emotionally secure children.
The more family members there are, the more delicate my job is. To ensure every family member gets to benefit from great Feng Shui, within the constraints of a house, is always the most challenging part of my job.
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Parents are the first and most intimate teachers of a child.
If a child does not have good role models to look up to at home, sending them to good schools will not have the desired impact as you crave.
Why?
Your DNA runs in the blood cells of your child. Say if you are a lazy person, who has a strong sense of entitlement, it is very likely your child's character will mirror yours. No matter what school he or she is in.
Because a child spends more time at home, with the family, than with his or her teachers.
Parenting is made even more challenging, if the father or mother lacks certain mental nourishment in his or her growing up years and is unable to repair and replenish himself or herself during the adulthood.
The deficient parent would not know how to give those nutrients to his or her child. And a vicious cycle ensues.
At different ages, a child will need different mental nutrition from the parents. These critical nutrients will form the backbone of the child's attitude in life, towards his or her education, marriage, career, lifestyle, family relations, friendships, money management, virtues and morals, ability to endure hardships, solve problems and pick up knowledge.
These mental nutrients are to be adequately given to the child before the age of 7.
One example of a mental nutrient the author raised in her book is the child's sense of importance.
Every child desires to feel valued by the parents. Especially between 0-3 years old. If the parents are emotionally unavailable and does not show to the child that he or she is very important to them, the child will instinctively seek this nutrient from another replacement adult.
Could be the grandparents or school teachers.
If he or she never manage to find this sense of being highly valued, he or she will spend his whole life looking for it.
They may fall in love with someone while still in secondary school, hoping that their partner will see them as the most important person in their lives.
As they get older, they will pester their partner with questions like:
• Am I the most important person in your life?
• How important am I?
• If I am a very terrible person, have a very bad character, will you still love me?
...
A quest like this consumes a lot of life energies for both persons in such a relationship. The child may over compromise on himself or herself in a relationship, just to be (the illusion of being) wanted and loved.
Over the past 11 years, I've worked with enough children and adults to see the truth in this author's comprehensive analysis.
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When I do story telling to children, I tend to omit violence. For e.g. if the bad guy is caught and killed, I may modify the plot by saying that he is caught and thrown into prison.
I don't want the children to think that killing another person solves everything. There are already young boys, who go around the class shooting finger guns at their classmates and teachers, and calling it "fun".
While a good school makes a lot of difference, I also think attending religious classes is valuable for young children.
A child who only attends classes for self development will not learn enough to have the motivation to help others. Because those classes focus on his personal success, how to win the race, and not how he can help and love beyond his family and friends. Much less about how to break free from the endless wheel of reincarnation.
Some parents will tell me, they don't want to force their children into a religion at such a young age.
The dramatic irony when they "force" their child to go for tutition after tuition.
Sending your child to Buddhism lessons or Sunday school does not equate to coercing the child into a religion.
Religious classes build deep mental strength at a very different dimension from secular classes.
It teaches gratitude, altruism, compassion, karma, humility, filial piety, repentance (being able to admit you're wrong), precepts (do the right thing) and internal peace.
It shows the child the beauty of forgiveness and forbearance.
Religion also nourishes the child's soul by letting him or her know how important he or she is in the eyes of God, Buddha etc.
The child learns to make sense of the world he is living in and the purpose of his existence.
Jesus was betrayed, tortured and died on the cross. He spreaded the Gospel for only 12 short years. Buddha's blood-related disciple, Devadatta, plotted to kill Him with a drunk elephant but failed. He spoke poison of Buddha and eventually left Buddha, taking away with him 500 monks.
These are all extraordinary men who endured incredible hardships for Their cause. They, as with many great prophets, are the superheroes of Their time.
Thousands of years later, They withstood the test of time and are still highly revered all over the world.
Are Their stories not worth reading to our children? Is there nothing our children can learn from Them, to cope with the stress they will face?
Children don't tell us parents everything. By establishing this spiritual channel of communication, we cross our fingers (and toes) that our precious ones will not go leaping off from their room's window when things are rocky for them and they feel invalidated.
You should still allow the child to choose his or her own faith when they grow up. At least by then, you have built a (hopefully) good foundation of love, strength and empathy in your child when you had the chance to.
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Proactive parents come to me to get their children's Bazi analysed, because they want to understand their children better and propel them in the right direction of growth.
They wish that their children can live a life more fulfilling than theirs, without having to fall too much.
If religion and Chinese Metaphysics aren't your cup of Teh Tarik, then I highly recommend this book that I am reading.
It is an equally good book for a "malnourished" adult to understand himself or herself.
I couldn't find it in Singapore bookstores, so the Husband bought my copy from an online Malaysia bookstore.
There are many Q&As in this book for parents with real-life problems in managing their children. The author gave very sensible and feasible recommendations. These were complied from the author's monthly column in the magazine and her 10,000+ strong real-life case studies.
Most people don't get to unleash their life potential this lifetime, because they lack the mentors and the mental nourishment to realise the powers of their Bazi.
Some of them blame their parents. But there is only so long you can blame them. How long more do you want to put your happiness in the hands of your parents? For the next 60 years? Perhaps like you, they didn't have parents who are adept at giving them the mental nourishment.
I don't think it matters whether you repair yourself when you are an adult or you, as a parent, only realise now what you have been doing wrong.
As long as we are willing to change and improve, we can always make up for lost time.
Better late than never.
...
《心理营养》
林文采 / 伍娜 / Shanghai Academy of Social Science Press / 288页 / Hardcover / 2016-3-1
心理营养的内容简介:
正如身体的健康需要物质营养,孩子心灵的成长与心理力量的强大必须获取足够的心理营养。
在成长的不同阶段,给足孩子恰当的心理营养,也就给了他一生幸福的底层代码。
本书中,作者阐述了“心理营养”的理念,同时介绍了气质理论在亲子教育中的应用。结合“心理营养”的理念和气质理论,作者从12个方面全方位回答了父母育儿中的常见问题。
五大心理营养:无条件的接纳;此时此刻,我生命中你最重要;安全感;肯定、赞美、认同;学习、认知、模范。
生命中的“五朵金花”:爱的能力;独立自主;联结;价值感;安全感。
12个方面的问题:
安全感 •情绪管理 •性格难题 •行为偏差 •社交与社会化 •夫妻关系 •妈妈的自我成长和支持 •父亲养育 •隔代养育 •性教育 •疑难表现 •其他生活琐事
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【玳瑚師父課室】《第37場回顧:聚財八法餐會(一)》
37th Learning Session Recap: The 8 Methodologies To Amass Wealth Part 1 (English version below)
玳瑚師父在2017年8月25日,展開了為期八場的《聚財八方餐會》第一場。
在這系列的餐會中,師父教導大家如何將平日的發財夢,通過佛法和玄學的運用,變成現實的富裕。
師父提言:要幹大事的人,要大刀闊斧,不要拖拖拉拉。
有位出席者屢次,請師父爲她看八字。師父答:「妳始終不相信我,所以我無法幫你。」
人沒有光明,鬼就會來纏身,因此性情反覆不定,一直無法做出有智慧的決定。
餐會精彩回顧:
一、人,為什麼老來問題很多?
二、人生是一場遊戲,要玩一個遊戲前,我們必需先懂遊戲的規則。
三、師父問:「你們的人生願望是什麼?」
❖ 出席者A答:「要有錢。」
師父回:「我看你沒有植有錢的因,就不會有有錢的果。」
❖ 出席者B答:「要成功。」
師父答:「你的思想那麼亂,如何成功?」
四、用兩手用餐,和發達有何關係?
五、把真性格拿出來,做人不要虛偽,但對長輩和師長一定要尊敬。
六、師父問:「天爲什麼不會塌下來?」
眾人答案不一,如因爲天是空的、是神佛居住之地等等。
師父解說:天有德,所以天不會塌。地有德,所以地常載。星星能發出光芒,所以有德。妳你們要有錢,妳你們要先學「德」。
不是妳你的,不要拿。不要做別人的小三、小四、小五,不要偷別人的。
七、這餐會的主題是大法,因此不會一次就能講完。師父也必須依出席者的根器而教授。
八、很多人對待男女之事,抱著玩的態度。師父直言,妳你既然要玩,妳你就要負責任。
九、聚財八法(一):行。師父細細解說,何謂行?
十、人後面有神,或有鬼,如何影響我們的財富?
十一、人一定有做錯,有很多過失,必須懂得懺悔。懺悔是所有宗教的共法。
十二、懺悔不能拖,猶如一件百年沒洗的衣服,一直拖,衣服祇會越來越髒,但一洗,就煥然一新。
十三、師父分析出席者的面相:
❖ 怎樣的眉毛屬:
• 生命力不強、
• 幻想型、
• 事業心很重、
• 精神不集中、
• 暴力型等等?
❖ 哪一種額頭,屬思維敏捷、能輕易地抵擋誘惑?
❖ 瀏海梳下,或上,對個人的「錢」途,有什麼影響?
❖ 法令紋美不美,顯示什麼?
十四、師父問:「你們做了什麼善事?」
眾人憶起稀少的善事,一只手算得清,大多都是在求學時期,或因爲某些元素,才去做,而非真發心想解除他人的苦。
師父笑談,某出席者,曾在街頭義賣,買了一枝花,然後轉送給師父,卻沒坦言是捐款得來的,直到師父問,怎麼這朵花有街邊,及很多人摸過的磁場?
這樣的「借花獻佛」非但不善,而且欠缺送花給師父該有的誠意。
等等。
心要光明磊落,我們要修出內在光明,不要做偷雞摸狗的事。
師父舉例說明,不要以爲在黑暗的房間裡,伸手去非禮另一個人,對方看不到,警察就捉不到你。頭上三尺有神明,還有日遊神、夜遊神和值日功曹,神目如電,沒人能逃。
善神均是依我們頭上的光,來護持我們。我們想要的一切,均建立在「德」。做生意,一定要做良商,不要欺負客人。
所謂的「行」,也當然包括做善事。
要行運,必須先有行動。聽了師父的教導,回去立刻做,不要老是癡心妄想,那成功就理所當然屬於妳你的。
.....................
Master Dai Hu held the 1st in a series of 8 Learning Sessions of his Learning Sessions, themed "The Eight Methodologies to Amass Wealth".
In this series, Master will teach the participants how to transcend their daily "get rich" day dreams into reality, via the use of Chinese Metaphysics and the Dharma.
Master advised, "A person of big ambition must take bold steps, and not drag one's feet".
There was one participant who had asked several times for Master to analyze her Bazi, but was refused on every occasion. Master said: "You still do not have faith and believe in me, thus I am unable to help you.".
If one does not have the Light in him, ghosts will engulf him, causing upheaval in his emotions and his inability to make wise decisions.
Highlights of the Learning Session:
1. Why does one's problems multiply as he ages?
2. Life is a game, and we need to know the rules before we start playing.
3. Master asked all participants, "What are your life aspirations?"
Participant A answered: "I want to be rich".
To which Master answered, "I do not see you plant any seeds (causes) of wealth, so do not expect the reap the fruits (wealth)."
Participant B answered: "I want to be successful."
To which Master answered, "You have such turbulent thought patterns, where is success going to come from?"
4. What does eating with both hands got to do with getting rich?
5. Show your true personality, and refrain from being a hypocrite. However, please be respectful to your elders and seniors.
6. Master asked: "Why won't the Heavens collapse on us?"
The answers from the participants were varied, such as because the sky is empty spaces, or because the Heavens is where the Gods reside, etc.
Master explained, "The Heavens is virtuous and filled with merits, therefore it will never collapse. Likewise, the Earth is similar, holding everything up in benevolence. A star can radiate light, therefore it has virtue.
If you want to be rich, learn to be more virtuous. If it is not meant to be yours, do not take. Do not be a mistress to a married man, stealing what is not yours in the first place.
7. The knowledge shared in this meal session is immense, therefore it cannot be transmitted in merely one session. Master needs to teach, according to the intellect level of the participants.
8. Many people treat man-woman relationship very lightly, often with a playful attitude. Master frankly advised that you must bear the consequences of your "play".
9. Wealth Accumulation Technique 1 of 8: 行
Master explained in Feng Shu detail what he meant by "行".
10. A person may be backed by Gods, or Ghosts. How will that affect our wealth?
11. To err is human, but one must know to repent for his many mistakes. Repentance is a common theme in all religions.
12. One must not procrastinate in doing repentance. It is like a soiled clothing not washed in a hundred years, and will continue to get dirtier with any delay. However, once it is thoroughly washed, it becomes as good as new.
13. Master analyzed the facial features of the participants:
❖ What kind of brows signifies:
• a weak life force,
• a dreamer personality,
• a career-minded individual,
• a weak mental disposition,
• a violent personality, etc?
❖ What kind of forehead signifies:
• a quick-thinking trait,
• a resilience towards temptations?
❖ The way you comb your fringe up or down can have such effects on your wealth luck.
❖ What significance of the appearance of the Nasolabial folds (commonly known as smile lines) has on our luck?
14. Master asked the participants, "What good deeds have you all done?"
The participants tried to recall the occasional good deeds, whose number can be counted by one hand, and mostly done during their school days. They did those good deeds not out of altruism but of other agendas.
Master jokingly recounted how one participant bought a stalk of flower, and gave it to Master without letting him know that it was from a charity event. The cat was until Master asked why the stalk of flower had the energies of many people (touching it).
Such a "convenient" way of gifting to Master is very insincere, and has no merits to speak of.
And much more.
Our hearts must be aboveboard and true to our conscience. We need to cultivate the inner Light in our heart, and never do things that "cannot see the light".
Master gave an example:
Say because you are in a dark room, and you extend a hand to molest another person. You may think that because the victim cannot see you, the Police will not be able to catch you. But the Gods standing 3 feet above your head will be witness to your unwholesome act, not forgetting the Day Patrol Deity, the Night Patrol Deity and the Day Duty Deity.
Virtuous Gods first identify us by the Light above our crown, before deciding whether to give us protection. The fulfilment of our desires is built on our virtues. If you do business, do not cheat your customers.
Taking action naturally includes acts of kind deeds.
To enjoy good luck, one must first take action. Execute the advice from Master, and not be mired in your wishful thinking. And success will surely be yours.
www.masterdaihu.com/第37場回顧:聚財八法餐會(一)/
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2016/2017
The consensus among most of my friends seems to be that 2016 was a terrible year, and the beginning of a long decline into something we don’t even want to imagine.
2016 was indeed a pretty rough year, but I wonder if it’s the end - not the beginning - of a long decline. Or at least the beginning of the end….for I think we’ve been in decline for about 40 years, enduring a slow process of de-civilisation, but not really quite noticing it until now. I’m reminded of that thing about the frog placed in a pan of slowly heating water…
This decline includes the transition from secure employment to precarious employment, the destruction of unions and the shrinkage of workers’ rights, zero hour contracts, the dismantling of local government, a health service falling apart, an underfunded education system ruled by meaningless exam results and league tables, the increasingly acceptable stigmatisation of immigrants, knee-jerk nationalism, and the concentration of prejudice enabled by social media and the internet.
This process of decivilisation grew out of an ideology which sneered at social generosity and championed a sort of righteous selfishness. (Thatcher: “Poverty is a personality defect”. Ayn Rand: “Altruism is evil”). The emphasis on unrestrained individualism has had two effects: the creation of a huge amount of wealth, and the funnelling of it into fewer and fewer hands. Right now the 62 richest people in the world are as wealthy as the bottom half of its population combined. The Thatcher/Reagan fantasy that all this wealth would ‘trickle down’ and enrich everybody else simply hasn’t transpired. In fact the reverse has happened: the real wages of most people have been in decline for at least two decades, while at the same time their prospects - and the prospects for their children - look dimmer and dimmer. No wonder people are angry, and turning away from business-as-usual government for solutions. When governments pay most attention to whoever has most money, the huge wealth inequalities we now see make a mockery of the idea of democracy. As George Monbiot said: “The pen may be mightier than the sword, but the purse is mightier than the pen”.
Last year people started waking up to this. A lot of them, in their anger, grabbed the nearest Trump-like object and hit the Establishment over the head with it. But those were just the most conspicuous, media-tasty awakenings. Meanwhile there’s been a quieter but equally powerful stirring: people are rethinking what democracy means, what society means and what we need to do to make them work again. People are thinking hard, and, most importantly, thinking out loud, together. I think we underwent a mass disillusionment in 2016, and finally realised it’s time to jump out of the saucepan.
This is the start of something big. It will involve engagement: not just tweets and likes and swipes, but thoughtful and creative social and political action too. It will involve realising that some things we’ve taken for granted - some semblance of truth in reporting, for example - can no longer be expected for free. If we want good reporting and good analysis, we’ll have to pay for it. That means MONEY: direct financial support for the publications and websites struggling to tell the non-corporate, non-establishment side of the story. In the same way if we want happy and creative children we need to take charge of education, not leave it to ideologues and bottom-liners. If we want social generosity, then we must pay our taxes and get rid of our tax havens. And if we want thoughtful politicians, we should stop supporting merely charismatic ones.
Inequality eats away at the heart of a society, breeding disdain, resentment, envy, suspicion, bullying, arrogance and callousness. If we want any decent kind of future we have to push away from that, and I think we’re starting to.
There’s so much to do, so many possibilities. 2017 should be a surprising year.
- Brian
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