【天青色等煙雨,而我在等你】(English writing below)
我看著客人眼淚
滴滴答答的打在桌面上
筆記本
濕了
本子上的字
糊了
她的心酸
猶如洪泉遇到崩裂的堤壩
一波一浪的破牆而出
一個被愛情辜負的女子
看了真是心疼
我不由自覺的
想到了自己
你懂我的
像我這樣剛烈的女子
爲了愛情
我絕不退縮
祇是一個勇字
又豈能成事呢
童年
過得心驚膽顫
家裡常吵得
雞犬不寧
爸爸沒想要
把我生下
媽媽常說
要把我趕出去
我很努力讀書
我很努力做個乖孩子
我覺得我做得很好
人小小本事很大
但這些終究無法
讓我在美滿的家庭長大
多少個夜晚裡
我被媽媽打得
想奪門而出
永不再見
可是想到誰來照顧她
我又忍下來
我很恨
為何我命運不如人
第一次談戀愛時
我是多麼多麼的雀躍
內心裡的煙花
不斷地爆開
我終於等到了
不再是
沒人要的孩子了
我終於
值得有人愛了
初戀的絢麗
卻也如七彩美麗的煙花
一聲巨響後
就消失在漆黑的夜裡
他常常在我面前
提到他如何深愛著
他中學時的校花
她是如此的美好
有一次
這校花來我們的學校
他得知後
破課室的門而出
沒見到她
他哭了一整個星期
心中的不安
讓我常常與他吵架
三年零八個月裡
我不是一個好女友
服滿兵役後
他喜歡上大學迎新會
的一位混血兒
後來
我和一位校友打了幾次桌球
某夜
他在ICQ向我索吻
對他的印象
就一落千丈了
(你以為老娘在賤賣嗎?)
不久一位朋友告訴我
他約會的對象
不只我一個
我有一位
很好很好的朋友
我在新加坡時
他常陪我
深夜打桌球到清晨
聊佛法聊人生
一起上佛學班
一起學國標舞
從未有一個人
如此瞭解我的心
如此照顧著我
但無所不談的當兒
他也不斷告訴
這麼多年來
他如何愛念著
一個女孩
對她始終無法忘懷
我又輸給
活在記憶中的人了
我這一份單戀
長達兩年
很磨人很磨人很磨人
差一點走不出來
第二次談戀愛
他常在我面前提起
一個他追了半年追不到的女孩
他說
有一天一定要去問她
為什麼不選擇他
在家裡的毒打
並沒有隨著我成人
而停止
後來拜師學藝
卻因爲品德不良
被師父一句
「你不是我要找的人。」
斷然吃了閉門羹
那天我哭得痛徹心扉
覺得自己
好像是
個沒人要的孩子
方文山因爲
八百年前
宋徽宗皇帝御批的這句
「雨過天青雲破處」
而在周傑倫《青花瓷》裡
寫了『天青色等煙雨,而我在等你』
他說
愛情里最無力的無奈
就是「等待」
天青色得等待
不知何時會降的雨
雨停
積雲散去
朗朗晴空中
天青色才能顯現
如同我
只能被动而安静的
等待着
不知何时才会出现的妳。
慢慢的
我開始認為
我這輩子等不到了
月老應該沒幫我
綁上紅線
學佛多年後
忽然恍然大悟
一個道理
没有东西是必须拥有的
沒有它
也不代表自己的不足
愛情
是一個填不滿的慾望
所以愛情劇長紅
在2015年2月21日年初三,根本上師蓮生活佛在台灣中天綜合電視台的訪談中說:https://youtu.be/EPDxwSt6a5I (時間12:08)
「師尊本身的愛是這樣的。我既然愛她,就是要她幸福,不是要佔有她,這種愛不是佔有,其實愛不是佔有。如果愛是佔有的話,那就是屬於慾望。如果愛不是佔有,我是祝福她,雖然我愛她,她不愛我,她愛別人,我就祝福她。如果愛別人會比較幸福,我就祝福她。這種愛就不是佔有的愛。如果是佔有的愛,一定會產生痛苦。」
原來我真正在等的
是自己
自己的智慧開了
心變闊達時
才不會讓他人決定
自己幾時可以幸福
可以幸福多久
命運在我手中
怎麼走本來就是我說了算
我輕輕的拿起桌上的紙巾,遞給女客人。她一把鼻涕,一把眼淚的向我道謝。
借了師父慣用的笑話,我柔聲細語的說:「別哭,新加坡缺水,要哭要到蓄水池哭,這樣我們可以少看馬來西亞的臉色做人。」
她破涕而笑。
我再說:「我看了妳的八字,現在又看到妳真人,勸你跟我講話老實一點,要不然我幫不到妳。妳明明一直做人家的小三,還敢跟我哭沒有男人要和妳結婚?妳不也偷偷拿了他不少錢嗎?我看妳明明就是一張愛錢的臉。」
奉勸各位大俠,在我面前,若要用眼淚爲武器,請三思,因爲虛偽的,我必定拆你面具。
..........................
I looked at the teardrops of my client, pitter patter onto the table top. My client's notebook got wet. The words got muddled.
All the pains in her heart were like the angry river crushing through a broken dam, tearing down the walls as the tears flowed.
To see a lady being let down by love was indeed heart-breaking.
I couldn't help but thought of myself.
You know me. An unyielding character like mine will not shrink like a coward in the name of love. Alas, there are things in life that can't be accomplished solely with courage.
My childhood was filled with a lot of fear. There were often quarrels at home.
My dad didn't want me to be born. My mum often said she wanted to chase me out of the house.
I studied very hard. I did my utmost to be an obedient kid, and I thought I did very well as young child but I was already very capable. However, all these were not enough for me to grow up in a complete family.
So many nights, I got beaten up so badly by my mum that I wanted to just break out of the door and never to see her again. But the mere thought of nobody looking after her pulled me back.
I hated so much. Why wasn't my destiny comparable to other people?
When I first fell in love, I was so elated. The fireworks in my heart exploded non-stop. I finally found someone. I was no longer that child which nobody wanted. I was finally worthy of someone's love.
The splendour of first love, however, was as temporal as the rainbow-coloured fireworks. After a loud explosion, it vanished into the darkness of night.
He would often tell me in my face, how much he pined for and loved his secondary school crush, apparently the prettiest and most perfect girl in school.
Once, this campus belle came to our school. When he got wind of the news, he dashed out of the classroom. Failing to see her, he cried for one whole week.
My insecurity caused me to quarrel with him often. In those 3 years and 8 months, I wasn't a great girlfriend. After his NS, he got together with a girl of mixed blood at his university's Orientation camp.
I played pool with a uni mate a few times. One night over ICQ, he teased me for a kiss. My impression of him dropped like hot cakes. Did I look like I was lelong-ing myself? Later, a girl pal told me that he was dating several girls at the same time.
I had a very good friend. Whenever I was in Singapore, he would accompany me to play pool till wee hours. We talked about Dharma, life, and we attended Buddhism and ballroom dancing classes together. I had never met a person who understood me and took care of me so well.
But among our endless conversations of everything and anything, he always told me how he still loved a girl from his school. He couldn't forget her.
Again, I lost to someone who lived in the memory of the guy I liked.
This one-sided love of mine burned for two years. It was very, very, very excruciating. I almost didn't make it out alive.
In my second relationship, the boyfriend would always tell me about a pretty girl whom he pursued for half a year, but failed to win her heart. He told me firmly that if he had the chance, he wanted to ask her why she did not choose him.
The abusive beating at home did not stop even after I grew up.
Later on, when I wanted to become Shifu's disciple, he turned me down flat because he didn't think I had good morals and values. He was blunt, "You are not the person I am looking for."
That night, I cried painfully hard. Suddenly, I felt like I was the kid from my childhood whom nobody wanted.
800 years ago, Emperor Huizong of Song Dynasty wrote in an imperial decree "雨過天青雲破處". It was this that inspired Vincent Fang (方文山) to write the lyrics 『天青色等煙雨,而我在等你』in Jay Chou's song 青花瓷 (Blue and white porcelain).
Vincent Fang said, the most powerless kind of helplessness in love was waiting.
The sky green colour had to wait for the rain, which it had no idea when it would arrive. After the rain stopped, the thick clouds dissipated, in the clear skies, the sky green colour would then be able to appear. This was just like how he could only passively and quietly wait, for his lady whom he had no idea when she would appear.
Gradually, I started thinking that in this lifetime, I would not be able to wait for that person to appear. Perhaps Yue Lao (the elderly celestial under the moon) did not tie the red string on me.
After many years of learning the Dharma, one day, I suddenly came to the realisation that nothing is a must to own.
Secular love is a black hole of desires. That is why romantic shows are evergreen.
On 21 February 2015, the 3rd day of the Lunar New Year, my Root Guru Living Buddha Lian-Sheng spoke in an interview with the Taiwan CTI Television Inc.: https://youtu.be/EPDxwSt6a5I (timestamp 12:08)
"My personal take on love is this. Since I love her, I will want her to be blissful, and not to possess her. Such love isn't possession. Actually love isn't possession. If love is possession, that belongs to desire. If love isn't desire, I will wish her well. Although I love her, she doesn't love me, but loves another person, so I will give her my best wishes. If loving another person brings her more happiness, I will wish her well. Such love isn't possessive love. If it is possessive love, there will surely be pain."
Then I realised, the one that I had been waiting all along for is myself. Waiting for my wisdom to develop, waiting for my heart to be more open, so that I would not place my happiness in the hands of another person, and let the person decide for me when I should be happy, for how long I can stay happy...
My destiny is in my hands. How it pans out is up to me to say.
I gently picked up a serviette from the table and passed it to my lady client. In a mush of mucus and tears, she thanked me.
Borrowing an old joke from Shifu, I gently told her, "Don't cry. Singapore lacks water. If you want to cry, you should cry at a nearby reservoir. This way, we don't have to see the colours of Malaysia in order to get more water."
She broke into a smile among her tears.
I continued, "After looking at your Bazi, and now that I have seen you in person, I advise you to be more honest with me, or else I will not be able to help you. You have all along been a mistress to other men, and you dare to come crying to me that no man wanted to marry you? Didn't you also stole some money from them? The way I see you, you obviously have a money grubber face."
My advice to all swordsmen: If you wish to use your tears as a weapon in front of me, think thrice. Because if you are a hypocrite, I will definitely rip your mask apart.
同時也有10000部Youtube影片,追蹤數超過2,910的網紅コバにゃんチャンネル,也在其Youtube影片中提到,...
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【福禍兩相依】(English writing below)
FORTUNE OR MISFORTUNE, I DECIDE
08 Jul 2019 - 146 訂閱
29 Dec 2019 - 300 訂閱
03 Mar 2020 - 1000 訂閱
今天 - 2000 訂閱
無論何時,目前在Youtube上有42個我在談論著如何能有個更好的命運。
我在2019年六月底開始了每星期上傳影片。那是在開始了頻道兩年後。
在2019年七月,我在快拍中請讀者投票,問他們認為我能否在年底前達到一千個訂閱。
在投票的七位讀者當中,一致認為我能,有幾位還留言鼓勵我。
結果,我遲了65天。
但在我達到一千訂閱後,頻道在數天內就破兩千。
感謝那七位讀者相信我匹黑馬。 ❤️
我頻道突然的崛起起源於今年2月17日。一位先生在香港的論壇分享了我一隻舊片,鼓勵男士們戒邪淫。
這分享帶來了一批新的觀眾,95%都是男士。
對,就是那隻一位男士用很粗俗的語言分享在新加坡論壇的影片。目前有約一百千流量。
Youtube 看到這流量的高漲,便以它那全能的演算法把那影片推出去給更多用戶。
突然之間,我的頻道就湧進了更多的男觀眾,大多來自於台灣、馬來西亞和中國。
欸,不是說Youtube在中國被禁嗎? 😏
這對我來說是好消息,因為如果你有跟進我的快拍,你會知道我在二月底的時候,有嘗試在B站開個頻道。我也有開個微博,但我的影片不通過審核,理由是封建及鼓勵迷信。
原來老天有其他的安排。
我一向比較喜歡當面見客人。因為最近的疫情,起初我還在想會不會少些客人來找我,或被客人取消諮詢。
結果沒這回事。
反而還收到國外客人詢問,我是否能越洋為他們批八字。我也即將首次在為在紐西蘭的客人以視訊方式批八字。
但這裡是人間,凡事都有一體兩面。
有隨著名氣增長的光鮮亮麗,也自然會有 🤬 一面。
有位觀眾誤會我是台灣人,很不禮貌地留言說我使用英文,顯得對自己的文化沒自信。言語中影射我想討好洋人。
兄弟,若我對自己的文化沒有自信,堂堂一個新加坡國立大學的大學生何必跑來當風水師呢?你以為被人取笑迷信很過癮嗎?
還有,不是說好華語的華人就是台灣人。在新加坡,也有會說好華語的人。
就算我是在影片中用英語的台灣人,請記得:我們人類是一體的。佛法和中華玄學的宗旨都是為了拔除人類的苦難,從來就不是為了服務一個種族而立的。
我們先祖有的大愛和遠見,是你必須學習的。
當然也不乏猥褻的留言。有位男觀眾留言說我瞎談,要把他的精蟲射在我臉上。
沒本事好好辯論,就用精子隊。你要從你國家射到新加坡嗎?好厲害的火箭 🚀。但你要公平啊,也給大家看看你的照片,好讓大家為你鼓掌鼓掌。👏👏👏
我把這事告訴我師父,他很有智慧地說:叫他留給他的後代吧。
開玩笑以外......
我只是想讓你知道,我們過去所面對的一切,必定會幫助我們能更好的應付我們未來的挑戰。
童年時,母親脾氣不好,我常挨打挨罵,忍了二十六年,才出嫁離開那個家。
在新航還是新人時,我常被一位資深的同事找碴欺負了兩年。我從未對上頭舉報。
但事情惡化到連組長都看出。有一次在洛杉磯時,他安排了全組會議,當面質問那位同事她怎麼老是找我麻煩。
看到這些突如其來的酸民時,我先生問我是否還好。我說和我以前的經歷相比,這沒什麼。如果一昧只要人家喜歡自己,也是個妄念。
小時候在學校時,我常和男生打架。真的是那種拳打腳踢、甩巴掌、拉頭髮、扯校服的那種。當然也少不了各種語言的粗話和手勢。
女大十八變,長大後我自然變得比較端莊,只是沒想到當年的勇猛,對已年過四十的我還能受用. 😂
2006年外婆過世時,我曾發願要弘揚佛法和玄學利益有緣眾生,以求外公外婆能業消福增、往生淨土。
十四年了,我雖有點慢,但好玩的事才剛剛開始。
感謝我頻道的兩千多名訂閱,及你們鼓勵性的留言。
也感謝我的臉書朋友,多年來給予我這安全的空間成長,長出一雙強壯的翅膀來甩一下那些不尊重女性的呆子。 😁
請伴隨著我,朋友,看看我們一起能翱翔得多高!❤️
______________________
08 Jul 2019 - 146 subs
29 Dec 2019 - 300 subs
03 Mar 2020 - 1000 subs
Today - 2000 subs
At any time of the day, there are now 42 of me talking on YouTube about what it takes to live a better Destiny.
I started weekly YouTube uploads in end June 2019. That is 2 years after my channel started.
In July 2019, I did a poll in my Stories, asking my readers if they thought I would hit 1K subs by end of the year.
Of the 7 who voted, they all think I would. Some of them even dropped me PMs of confidence.
I was late by 65 days.
But as soon as I hit 1000 subs, my channel crossed the 2K mark in a matter of few days.
Thank you to the 7 readers who saw the dark horse in me. ❤️
This uprise in my channel started on 17 Feb 2020, when a gentleman shared my old video on a Hong Kong forum, to encourage abstinence from sexual misdeeds.
It brought in a wave of viewers, 95% men.
Yeah, that same video that some dude shared on a Singapore forum in a crass way. Got about 100K views now.
YouTube recognised the upsurge and pushed my video to more of its users with its almighty algorithm.
And out of a sudden, I have an influx of male audience from mainly Taiwan, Malaysia and... China.
Eh, thought Youtube banned in China? 😏
This is good news because if you follow my stories, you will know that in end Feb, I tried starting a channel in Bilibili (China’s younger version of Youtube). I also opened a Weibo account.
But my videos didn’t pass their stringent checks and were dismissed as superstitious and feudal. #whattheduck
Turned out that Heaven had other plans for my channel.
I always prefer meeting my clients in person and initially wondered if I will have a drop in clients or cancellations of consultations with the current epidemic situation.
Didn’t happen.
I get requests for video calls and will be doing one for the first time to New Zealand.
But there’s always two sides to a coin.
The ooh-la-la side of increased popularity,
And the 🤬 side.
I was mistaken to be a Taiwanese, and got a snide remark that me using English shows a lack of confidence in my culture and me wanting to win over the Westerners.
Eh bro, no confidence in my culture, I NUS graduate what for become Feng Shui practitioner? You think fun to be laughed superstitious meh? 🤔
Also, not all who speak good Mandarin must be Taiwanese. There are Singaporeans who can also speak good Mandarin. #weareSingaporeweareSingapore
Even if I’m a Taiwanese and choose to use English in my videos, remember this: We are all inter-dependent. Chinese Metaphysics and Buddhism were never meant to serve only one breed of humans.
Our ancestors have much bigger love and foresight than that. Learn from them.
There were also lewd comments like a man who said I’m bluffing and wanted to shoot his semen on my face.
Wah, cannot debate properly, resort to using sperm army.🏆
Shoot from your country to Singapore? You sure have a powerful rocket. Come, let’s be fair. Show us photos of yourself and let everyone clap for you this champion.
👏👏👏
I told my Shifu about this. His wise words: tell him to save it for his offspring.
Jokes aside...
I just want you to know whatever we face in the past always help us to handle our future challenges better.
I received very bad beatings and scoldings from my mum as a kid, because of her foul temper. I endured for 26 years before I married.
When I was in SQ, as a junior, I was constantly being picked at (aka bullied) for 2 years by a senior colleague. I never once complained to my supervisor.
But things got so obvious and serious, that our team inflight supervisor held a team meeting during our Los Angeles stay over, to ask the colleague what was wrong with her.
When the husband asked if I was okay with the sudden naysayers, I replied that this was nothing compared to what I had been through. It is also delusional to expect everyone to like what I do.
Also, I used to get into fights with boys in school. Yeah, really the kick, slap, punch, pull hair, pull school uniform kind. Plus colourful vulgarities and hand gestures in all languages.
I had grown more demure since, just never thought that gung-ho side will be useful as a content creator in my 40s. 😂
I made a vow in 2006 when my grandmother passed away. That I would propagate Buddhism and Chinese Metaphysics to benefit sentient beings. So that she and my grandpa would be reborn in the Pureland.
It had been 14 years.
I’m a bit slow, but the fun is just beginning.
Thank you to my 2K+ subs and all the encouraging comments you left me.
Thank you to my FB friends, who have given me this safe space to grow my wings so strong that I can whack fools who disrespect women. 😁
Stay with me, my friend. Let’s see how high we can soar together. ❤️
english news for kid 在 謙預 Qianyu.sg Facebook 的最讚貼文
【天青色等煙雨,而我在等你】(English writing below)
我看著客人眼淚
滴滴答答的打在桌面上
筆記本
濕了
本子上的字
糊了
她的心酸
猶如洪泉遇到崩裂的堤壩
一波一浪的破牆而出
一個被愛情辜負的女子
看了真是心疼
我不由自覺的
想到了自己
你懂我的
像我這樣剛烈的女子
爲了愛情
我絕不退縮
祇是一個勇字
豈能成事
童年
過得心驚膽顫
家裡常吵得
雞犬不寧
爸爸沒想要
把我生下
媽媽常說
要把我趕出去
我很努力讀書
我很努力做個乖孩子
我覺得我做得很好
人小小本事很大
但這些終究無法
讓我在美滿的家庭長大
多少個夜晚裡
我被媽媽打得
想奪門而出
永不再見
可是想到誰來照顧她
我又忍下來
我很恨
為何我命運不如人
第一次談戀愛時
我是多麼多麼的雀躍
內心裡的煙花
不斷地爆開
我終於等到了
不再是
沒人要的孩子了
我終於
值得有人愛了
初戀的絢麗
卻也如七彩美麗的煙花
一聲巨響後
就消失在漆黑的夜裡
他常常在我面前
提到他如何深愛著
他中學時的校花
她是如此的美好
有一次
這校花來我們的學校
他得知後
破課室的門而出
沒見到她
他哭了一整個星期
心中的不安
讓我常常與他吵架
三年零八個月裡
我不是一個好女友
服滿兵役後
他喜歡上大學迎新會
的一位混血兒
後來
我和一位校友打了幾次桌球
某夜
他在ICQ向我索吻
對他的印象
就一落千丈了
(你以為老娘在賤賣嗎?)
不久一位朋友告訴我
他約會的對象
不只我一個
我有一位
很好很好的朋友
我在新加坡時
他常陪我
深夜打桌球到清晨
聊佛法聊人生
一起上佛學班
一起學國標舞
從未有一個人
如此瞭解我的心
如此照顧著我
但無所不談的當兒
他也不斷告訴
這麼多年來
他如何愛念著
一個女孩
對她無法始終忘懷
我又輸給
活在記憶中的人了
我這一份單戀
長達兩年
很磨人很磨人很磨人
差一點走不出來
第二次談戀愛
他常在我面前提起
一個他追了半年追不到的女孩
他說
有一天一定要去問她
為什麼不選擇他
在家裡的毒打
並沒有隨著我成人
而停止
後來拜師學藝
卻因爲品德不良
被師父一句
「你不是我要找的人。」
斷然吃了閉門羹
那天我哭得痛徹心扉
覺得自己
好像是
個沒人要的孩子
方文山因爲
八百年前
宋徽宗皇帝御批的這句
「雨過天青雲破處」
而在周傑倫《青花瓷》裡
寫了『天青色等煙雨,而我在等你』
他說
爱情里最无力的无奈
就是「等待」
天青色得等待
不知何時會降的雨
雨停
积云散去
朗朗晴空中
天青色才能顯現
如同我
只能被动而安静的
等待着
不知何时才会出现的妳。
慢慢的
我開始認為
我這輩子等不到了
月老應該沒幫我
綁上紅線
學佛多年後
忽然恍然大悟
一個道理
没有东西是必须拥有的。
沒有它
也不代表自己的不足
愛情
是一個填不滿的慾望
所以愛情劇長紅
在2015年2月21日年初三,根本上師蓮生活佛在台灣中天綜合電視台的訪談中說:
「師尊本身的愛是這樣的。我既然愛她,就是要她幸福,不是要佔有她,這種愛不是佔有,其實愛不是佔有。如果愛是佔有的話,那就是屬於慾望。如果愛不是佔有,我是祝福她,雖然我愛她,她不愛我,她愛別人,我就祝福她。如果愛別人會比較幸福,我就祝福她。這種愛就不是佔有的愛。如果是佔有的愛,一定會產生痛苦。」
原來我真正在等的
是自己
自己的智慧開了
心變闊達時
才不會讓他人決定
自己幾時可以幸福
可以幸福多久
命運在我手中
怎麼走本來就是我說了算
我輕輕的拿起桌上的紙巾,遞給女客人。她一把鼻涕,一把眼淚的向我道謝。
借了師父慣用的笑話,我柔聲細語的說:『別哭,新加坡缺水,要哭要到蓄水池哭,這樣我們可以少看馬來西亞的臉色做人。』
她破涕而笑。
我再說:「我看了妳的八字,現在又看到妳真人,勸你跟我講話老實一點,要不然我幫不到妳。妳明明一直做人家的小三,還敢跟我哭沒有男人要和妳結婚?妳不也偷偷拿了他不少錢嗎?我看妳明明就是一張愛錢的臉。」
奉勸各位大俠,在我面前,若要用眼淚爲武器,請三思,因爲虛偽的,我必定拆你面具。
..........................
I looked at the teardrops of my client, pitter patter onto the table top. My client's notebook got wet. The words got muddled.
All the pains in her heart were like the angry river crushing through a broken dam, tearing down the walls as the tears flowed.
To see a lady being let down by love was indeed heart-breaking.
I couldn't help but thought of myself.
You know me. An unyielding character like mine will not shrink like a coward in the name of love. Alas, there are things in life that can't be accomplished solely with courage.
My childhood was filled with a lot of fear. There were often quarrels at home.
My dad didn't want me to be born. My mum often said she wanted to chase me out of the house.
I studied very hard. I did my utmost to be an obedient kid, and I thought I did very well as young child but I was already very capable. However, all these were not enough for me to grow up in a complete family.
So many nights, I got beaten up so badly by my mum that I wanted to just break out of the door and never to see her again. But the mere thought of nobody looking after her pulled me back.
I hated so much. Why wasn't my destiny comparable to other people?
When I first fell in love, I was so elated. The fireworks in my heart exploded non-stop. I finally found someone. I was no longer that child which nobody wanted. I was finally worthy of someone's love.
The splendour of first love, however, was as temporal as the rainbow-coloured fireworks. After a loud explosion, it vanished into the darkness of night.
He would often tell me in my face, how much he pined for and loved his secondary school crush, apparently the prettiest and most perfect girl in school.
Once, this campus belle came to our school. When he got wind of the news, he dashed out of the classroom. Failing to see her, he cried for one whole week.
My insecurity caused me to quarrel with him often. In those 3 years and 8 months, I wasn't a great girlfriend. After his NS, he got together with a girl of mixed blood at his university's Orientation camp.
I played pool with a uni mate a few times. One night over ICQ, he teased me for a kiss. My impression of him dropped like hot cakes. Did I look like I was lelong-ing myself? Later, a girl pal told me that he was dating several girls at the same time.
I had a very good friend. Whenever I was in Singapore, he would accompany me to play pool till wee hours. We talked about Dharma, life, and we attended Buddhism and ballroom dancing classes together. I had never met a person who understood me and took care of me so well.
But among our endless conversations of everything and anything, he always told me how he still loved a girl from his school. He couldn't forget her.
Again, I lost to someone who lived in the memory of the guy I liked.
This one-sided love of mine burned for two years. It was very, very, very excruciating. I almost didn't make it out alive.
In my second relationship, the boyfriend would always tell me about a pretty girl who he pursued for half a year, but failed to win her heart. He told me firmly that if he had the chance, he wanted to ask her why she did not choose him.
The abusive beating at home did not stop even after I grew up.
Later on, when I wanted to become Shifu's disciple, he turned me down flat because he didn't think I had good morals and values. He was blunt, "You are not the person I am looking for."
That night, I cried painfully hard. Suddenly, I felt like I was the kid from my childhood whom nobody wanted.
800 years ago, Emperor Huizong of Song Dynasty wrote in an imperial decree "雨過天青雲破處". It was this that inspired Vincent Fang (方文山) to write the lyrics 『天青色等煙雨,而我在等你』in Jay Chou's song 青花瓷 (Blue and white porcelain).
Vincent Fang said, the most powerless form of helplessness in love is waiting.
The sky green colour had to wait for the rain, which it had no idea when it would arrive. After the rain stopped, the thick clouds dissipated, in the clear skies, the sky green colour would then be able to appear. This was just like how he could only passively and quietly wait, for his lady whom he had no idea when she would appear.
Gradually, I started thinking that in this lifetime, I would not be able to wait for that person to appear. Perhaps Yue Lao (the elderly celestial under the moon) did not tie the red string on me.
After many years of learning the Dharma, one day, I suddenly came to the realisation that nothing is a must to own.
Secular love is a black hole of desires. That is why romantic shows are evergreen.
On 21 February 2015, the 3rd day of the Lunar New Year, my Root Guru Living Buddha Lian-Sheng spoke in an interview with the Taiwan CTI Television Inc.:
"My personal take on love is this. Since I love her, I will want her to be blissful, and not to possess her. Such love isn't possession. Actually love isn't possession. If love is possession, that belongs to desire. If love isn't desire, I will wish her well. Although I love her, she doesn't love me, but loves another person, so I will give her my best wishes. If loving another person brings her more happiness, I will wish her well. Such love isn't possessive love. If it is possessive love, there will surely be pain."
Then I realised, the one that I had been waiting all along for is myself. Waiting for my wisdom to develop, waiting for my heart to be more open, so that I would not place my happiness in the hands of another person, and let the person decide for me when I should be happy, for how long I can stay happy...
My destiny is in my hands. How it pans out is up to me to say.
I gently picked up a serviette from the table and passed it to my lady client. In a mush of mucus and tears, she thanked me.
Borrowing an old joke from Shifu, I gently told her, "Don't cry. Singapore lacks water. If you want to cry, you should cry at a nearby reservoir. This way, we don't have to see the colours of Malaysia in order to get more water."
She broke into a smile among her tears.
I continued, "After looking at your Bazi, and now that I have seen you in person, I advise you to be more honest with me, or else I will not be able to help you. You have all along been a mistress to other men, and you dare to come crying to me that no man wanted to marry you? Didn't you also stole some money from them? The way I see you, you obviously have a money grubber face."
My advice to all swordsmen: If you wish to use your tears as a weapon in front me, think thrice. Because if you are a hypocrite, I will definitely rip your mask apart.
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