*This post contains graphic details*
Sharing this now because I’m ready to, and because when it happened to me, I found strength from other women with similar stories.
Jude is my rainbow baby. I chose the name because Saint Jude is the patron saint of hope, and Jude is my hope.
I had a miscarriage in November 2019. At 8 weeks, I had seen my baby and heard its heartbeat. I was elated; we had been trying for a second baby for 2 years. Then, at 11 weeks, just a day shy of my next gynae appointment, I discovered, to my greatest fear and dismay, that I was bleeding. We rushed to the gynae, he did a scan and there was no heartbeat. The foetus had failed to grow for two weeks. In a flash, all our joy and hope was gone. I felt grief like never before. Shock, then anger, and then sorrow. I wanted to sink into my own darkness and weep. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live either.
Because my body had not expelled the foetus fully, I had to expedite the process myself by stuffing pills into my body. Cramps and more bleeding followed. I cried more than ever and hid in my room all day. Even though my husband stayed by my side, I still felt very lonely at times. No one can really know how it feels to lose a life that was inside you, unless it’s from personal experience.
A friend sent me this when she knew what happened: “To think, the first thing you saw when you opened your tiny little eyes was the face of Jesus.” I found great consolation in these words. I’ll see my angel baby in Heaven.
If you are going through or have been through something similar, please know that you are not alone. And it is nothing to be ashamed of. And you can grief. And you can cry (or not). And you will find solace. And when you can finally see light through the tears, you will be stronger, better, kinder.
At the end of 2019, I lost hope for a while. At the start of 2020, I found hope again. I was afraid, but hope gave me courage. I am immensely grateful. As we bid goodbye to a challenging year, let’s hold on to hope.❤️ #miscarriageawareness #miscarriagesupport #hope #angelbaby #rainbowbaby
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心上的腳印
十月份是天使寶寶紀念月,許多人或許不曉得,每年的十月十五日,是全球的Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day,用來紀念那些在一歲以下失去生命的孩子(我稱他們為天使寶寶),其中原因可能是流產、死胎、嬰兒猝死、或其他疾病等。根據2017年的統計,每年在一歲以下逝去的生命高達410萬名,其機率高達四分之一。也就是說,走在路上每四個人就可能有一個人體驗過痛失孩子的痛。不同於其他年齡層的逝世,有親人緬懷、有葬禮、有親友慰問,但對這些天使寶寶的父母來說,很多時候痛失孩子的時候因為不同因素無法告訴任何人,只能孤獨的在角落療傷,更別提很多時候被周遭的人責怪(比如:你一定是走太多路或沒吃維他命孩子才留不住)、誤解(比如:啊呀你沒有小孩所以不懂當媽的心情啦!)、或是小看(比如:你怎麼還在難過?這根本沒甚麼好傷心的)這樣的二度傷害。
事實上,母親的心態不是在胎兒落地之後才形成。在我看來,只要孕育過生命的女子就是母親,哪怕這生命沒有其他人來的長。她們或許沒有媽媽社團取暖,但在母親節時會偷偷掉眼淚。她們或許會耐心的聽媽媽友人生命中的抱怨,但卻忍不住的在心裡想著,「至少你的小孩現在還活著。」她們或許投身於工作或其他嗜好,卻在夜深人靜時,知道那些令人稱羨的光鮮亮麗,也掩蓋不住心底那一塊失去孩子的情緒。
如果你看到這段文字時覺得心糾在一塊,或許你曾經遭遇過類似的狀況。我知道你可能怕親友看到而不敢來按讚、更別提留言,我甚至知道這篇點閱率或許會比其他文章少很多,但我不在乎。
我懂你的傷痛和無助,我懂那種隨時被難過情緒湮滅的感覺。我也知道一個人療傷有多麼孤寂和痛苦。我只想告訴你,你不孤單,也不是唯一。身為過來人,當我願意面對悲傷,敞開心胸和信任的人分享,並且好好的為逝去的孩子哀痛流淚之後,有一天,難過和挫敗感會被接受的感覺所替代。我知道我永遠不可能回到流產前那個無憂無慮的自己,但是慢慢的,我卻成為一個,更會陪人流淚、更有同理心、也更加堅強的自己。
我承認在想起我的天使寶寶時,偶爾還是會難過,但我為他的短暫生命感謝上帝。無論和我相處的時間是一個月還是兩個月,我都感激上帝曾經給我這段時間,讓我有這個榮幸當他的媽媽。
我很喜歡天使寶寶紀念月的hashtag,是 I have footprints on my heart.(中譯:我有腳印在心上)。紀念我的天使寶寶,也為每一個在角落奮鬥的女性加油。
PS…圖為幾年前中加州的17 Miles Drive,當時還在努力求子所以每天打藥,連針管和藥都帶去,令我印象深刻。
PPS…想知道更多有關於這段心路歷程的朋友,歡迎參考我的新書《美國女子學》:reurl.cc/OqpRnA。
#PregnancyLoss #MiscarriageAwareness #BabyLossAwareness #IHaveFootprintsOnMyHeart #勇敢說出來 #天使寶寶 #美國女子學 #心上的腳印
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