關於 feed me意思 ，我們在網路上蒐集到這些相關的討論、資訊與評價

早晨被一個夢打醒⋯
這個夢很有意思 代表我內心的渴求 狀態⋯有一陣子沒有這樣子有點複雜紛亂又清楚的夢⋯。

才知道今天是1月11日～1/11⋯❤️

在我生命中有兩個日子，刻劃很深的記號⋯11/1 和1/11～。我從來沒有覺得數字有什麼特別，但這兩個數字卻讓我永遠記得，紀念甚至感恩！❤️🌹🥰🥰

那是一段刻骨銘心很難明白的艱困過程，多年前1/11那個日子讓我跨了一個大門，有一點像是生孩子的過程，痛到你幾乎不想生，但是忍過那個最痛的階段，就是一個新生命的開始⋯，真的是如此啊⋯若沒有勇敢的跨過去往前走，我就看不到現在一片綠意盎然，充滿生氣的我的人生風景！所有的細節美麗和精彩啊⋯！

我曾經有一個經驗，很可愛很真實！轉換了我面對傷害的態度～！
特別傷你的人是你愛的人,特別難面對⋯。
有一次我跟主禱告，和著眼淚和氣憤⋯，在禱告中，我看見一個影像，就像電影一樣～那個傷我的人對著我扔石頭，但那石頭沒打著我，於是我撿起那塊石頭很生氣的回丟過去，扔過去時，覺得很沒力道手很輕⋯一看，我扔過去的，居然是一個麵包！我突然就噗哧的笑了⋯怎麼那麼沒力呀！連傷人都傷不到！🥰🥰這時上帝對我說，如果別人用黑暗用憎恨來對你，難道你回他的是一樣的嗎？你的心中有的是什麼呢？如果你有了我，你會知道要回應什麼⋯⋯

真的，我即刻從生氣到笑自己，這麼容易被激怒，因為我心中充滿的⋯真的不是這些，我可以給予的美麗和美好太多了⋯。

在黑暗中，唯有你自己成為光，才可以找出一條路⋯不要再等候其他的⋯。
你自己就可以成為光，你自己就是那個美麗！那個力量！那個智慧！那個勇敢！⋯只是你沒有找到那個鑰匙⋯甚至是你不想找～

最近有一個很深的體悟，不管你有多愛一個人，或者有人多愛你，不管你有多少人陪在你旁邊，你最終都是得孤獨的面對自己～靈魂的那一個你～如果你自己不能好好欣賞愛你自己，明白你自己是美麗的，你就沒有辦法自在和滿足～。

對於那些傷害與破碎，還有那些不明白為何傷害你的人～放了吧！
一句傷害的話都不用說，因為你更多的能量是看自己愛自己成為⋯美麗的那一個你～！使人看見你就開心就喜樂！好像吃到麵包那樣滿足！🥰🥰❤️🌹

在2021/1/11的今天～～這曾經令我痛哭欲絕的這一天，我向我的主獻上感恩～
謝謝祢總是不離不棄，在我最艱困的時候，用祢最溫柔有力的胸膛擁抱我！用祢最溫柔最有智慧的言語餵飽我，用祢最溫柔明亮的光帶領我，用祢最深最廣的愛情包裹我⋯。 使我可以在靈魂的海洋裡 大山裡面自由奔放⋯I love you,My Lord....🌷


(馬太福音 5:9) 使人和睦的人有福了！因為他們必稱為　神的兒子。
(Matthew 5:9) Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
Photographer:Su 蘇婭

🌹❤️🌹❤️🌹❤️🌹
I Waked up by a dream in the morning...
This dream is very interesting. It represents the desire ,my situation in my heart....It hasn't been a somewhat complicated and clear dream like this for a while.
I just know that today is January 11 day～1/11...❤️
There are two days in my life, with deep marks...11/1 and 1/11~. I have never felt that the numbers are special, but these two numbers make me always remember, commemorate and even be grateful! ❤️🌹
It was a difficult process that was unforgettable and hard to understand. ..The day 1/11 many years ago ...made me step through a door. It was a little bit like the process of having a child. The pain was so painful that you almost didn’t want to give birth to ... But to endure the most painful stage is the beginning of a new life... , it’s true! If I didn’t step forward bravely, I would not see the greenery and fullness now. ...My Life...Landscape! All the details are beautiful and wonderful...!
I once had an experience, very cute and real! Changed my attitude in the face of injury~!
I once had an experience, very cute and real! Changed my attitude in the face of injury~!
The person who hurt you in particular is the one you love.
Once I prayed to the Lord, with tears and anger... During the prayer, I saw an image, just like a movie. The person who hurt me threw a stone at me, but the stone did not hit me, so I picked it up. I picked up the stone and threw it back angrily. When I threw it over, I felt very weak and light in my hand... At first glance, what I threw over was actually a piece of bread! Suddenly I laughed...how could I be so weak! Can't even hurt people! At this time, God said to me, if someone treat you in hatred in darkness way ,would it be the same for you to treat him? What is in your heart? If you had me, you would know what to respond...
Really, I instantly went from being angry to laughing at myself, I am so easily irritated, because my heart is filled with...it really is not this, I can give too much beautiful things and kindness...
In the dark, you can only find a way out by becoming the light yourself...don't wait for others...
You can become light yourself, and you yourself are the beauty! That power! That wisdom! That brave! ...But you didn't find the key...even you don't want to find it~
Recently, I have a deep realization that no matter how much you love someone or how many people love you, no matter how many people being with you, you will eventually have to face yourself alone~ the soul of you~ If you can’t appreciate and love yourself well, and understand that you are beautiful, you can’t be comfortable and satisfied~.
For those who hurt and broken, and those who don’t understand why they hurt you~ let it go!
There is no need to say a hurtful sentence, because you should take more energy to see yourself loving yourself and becoming...the beautiful you~! Make people happy when they see you! As satisfied as if they had bread! ❤️🌹

Today on January 11, 2021~~This is the day that once made me cry, I give my thanks to my Lord~
Thank you for always staying true to me. In my most difficult time, hug me with your most tender and powerful chest! Feed me with your tenderest and wisest words, lead me with your softest and brightest light, and wrap me with your deepest and broadest love... So that I can be free in the ocean of the soul...I love you, My Lord...🌷

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

［翻轉視界 8］逃離禁錮之地：離開北韓我學會自由與憐憫
　
“If you don't know the words, that means you don't understand the concept, and therefore, you don't even realize that concept is even a possibility.” —— human rights activist Yeonmi Park。
　
「如果你不知道某些詞彙，那就意味著你並不了解某些概念，因此你也不會意識到，那些概念可以是一種可能。」——人權鬥士朴延美
　
對出逃前的她而言，自由與溫飽是很奢侈的理念，更無法了解「愛」的全貌。當我們無法得知世界發生了什麼，無法想像那超越自身認知的世界，我們便無法真正地同理他人。今天我想邀請大家，以不同的角度，重新感受自由、溫飽與愛的可貴。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
I was born in 1993 in the northern part of North Korea, in a town called Hyesan, which is on the border with China. I had loving parents and one older sister. Before I was even 10 years old, my father was sent to a labor camp for engaging in illegal trading. Now, by "illegal trading" -- he was selling clogs, sugar, rice and later copper to feed us. In 2007, my sister and I decided to escape. She was 16 years old, and I was 13 years old.
　
1. on the border with 鄰近邊界
2. labor camp 勞改營
3. illegal trading 非法的交易
　
１９９３年我出生在北韓的北部，一個名叫惠山的小鎮，鄰近中國邊界。我有愛我的父母與一位姐姐。在我１０歲大的時候，父親就被送去勞改營，因為他非法買賣一些東西。所謂的非法買賣，其實他是賣一些木鞋、糖、米，之後還賣了銅，只為了餵飽我們。２００７年，姐姐和我決定逃跑。她當時１６歲，而我１３歲。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
I need you to understand what the word "escape" means in the context of North Korea. We were all starving, and hunger means death in North Korea. So it was the only option for us. I didn't even understand the concept of escape, but I could see the lights from China at night, and I wondered if I go where the light is, I might be able to find a bowl of rice. It's not like we had a grand plan or maps. We did not know anything about what was going to happen. Imagine your apartment building caught fire. I mean, what would you do? Would you stay there to be burned, or would you jump off out of the window and see what happens? That's what we did. We jumped out of the house instead of the fire.
　
4. in the context of 在⋯⋯的情境中
5. concept 概念；觀念；思想
6. a grand plan 一個遠大的計畫
7. catch fire 著火
　
你們要知道，「逃跑」這兩字在北韓意味著什麼。我們天天挨餓，而飢餓在北韓意味著死亡。所以逃跑是我們唯一的選擇。我當時還不了解逃跑是什麼意思，但晚上我能看見中國那邊的燈光，我想著如果我能到有光的地方，也許就能找到一碗飯。我們沒有什麼遠大的計畫或地圖。我們完全不知道，接下來會發生什麼事。想像一下，你的公寓失火了，你會怎麼辦？你會坐以待斃，還是跳窗然後再看著辦？我們就是那樣。我們從大樓上跳了下來， 而不是等火燒上來。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
North Korea is unimaginable. It's very hard for me when people ask me what it feels like to live there. To be honest, I tell you: you can't even imagine it. The words in any language can't describe, because it's a totally different planet, as you cannot imagine your life on Mars right now. For example, the word "love" has only one meaning: love for the Dear Leader. There's no concept of romantic love in North Korea. And if you don't know the words, that means you don't understand the concept, and therefore, you don't even realize that concept is even a possibility.
　
8. unimaginable 無法想像
9. no concept of... 沒有⋯的概念
10. romantic love 浪漫愛
　
北韓是難以想像的。對我來說，要回答住在北韓是什麼感覺，非常困難。老實說，我可以告訴各位——你無從想像。沒有任何語言可以描述，因為那是個截然不同的星球，就像你現在無法想像自己在火星上的生活一樣。比如說，「愛」只有一個意思：愛偉大的領袖。在北韓沒有那種浪漫之愛的概念。如果你不知道某些詞彙，那就意味著你並不了解某些概念，因此你也不會意識到，那些概念可以是一種可能。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
Let me give you another example. Growing up in North Korea, we truly believed that our Dear Leader is an almighty god who can even read my thoughts. I was even afraid to think in North Korea. We are told that he's starving for us, and he's working tirelessly for us, and my heart just broke for him. When I escaped to South Korea, people told me that he was actually a dictator, he had cars, many, many resorts, and he had an ultraluxurious life. And then I remember looking at a picture of him, realizing for the first time that he is the largest guy in the picture. And it hit me. Finally, I realized he wasn't starving. But I was never able to see that before, until someone told me that he was fat.
　
11. an almighty god 一個全能的神
12. tirelessly 不屈不撓地；堅忍地
13. a dictator 獨裁者
14. it hit me 突然想到、意識到 
15. resort 度假地（此處係指北韓獨裁者有很多度假別墅）
16. ultraluxurious 極其奢華的
17. have a…life 過著⋯⋯的生活
　
讓我再舉一個例子。在北韓長大，我們真心相信我們偉大的領袖是全能的神，他甚至能看穿我在想什麼。我在北韓甚至不敢思考。我們聽說他為我們挨餓、不眠不休地為我們工作，而我為此感到心痛。我逃到南韓後，有人跟我說他其實是獨裁者，他有很多車、很多很多渡假別墅，他的生活極為奢華。我記得自己看著一張有他的照片，第一次意識到他是照片裡體型最大的那個。這件事讓我大受打擊。那時我才終於了解，他沒有挨餓。但我以前總無法看清這些，直到有人跟我說他很胖，我才恍然大悟。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
Really, someone had to teach me that he was fat. If you have never practiced critical thinking, then you simply see what you're told to see. The biggest question also people ask me is: "Why is there no revolution inside North Korea? Are we dumb? Why is there no revolution for 70 years of this oppression?" And I say: If you don't know you're a slave, if you don't know you're isolated or oppressed, how do you fight to be free? I mean, if you know you're isolated, that means you are not isolated. Not knowing is the true definition of isolation, and that's why I never knew I was isolated when I was in North Korea. I literally thought I was in the center of the universe.
　
18. critical thinking 批判性思考
19. revolution 革命
20. dumb 愚蠢的*
21. oppression 壓迫；壓制；欺壓
22. isolated and oppressed 與世隔絕的與被壓迫的
　
真的，要有人教我，他這樣叫做胖。如果你沒學過批判性思考，你看到的就只會是別人跟你說的。其他人對我提出的大哉問還有：「為何北韓沒有革命？我們傻嗎？為何歷經７０年的壓迫，卻沒人發動革命？」我回答：「如果你不知道自己是奴隸，不知道自己被與世隔絕、壓迫，你要如何為自由而戰？我的意思是，如果你知道自己被與世隔絕，那就表示你並非真的與世隔絕。與世隔絕的真正定義是無知，所以我從不知道，在北韓的我與世隔絕。我真的以為我們是宇宙的中心。

*dumb: https://bit.ly/3fG5XOk
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
So here is my idea worth spreading: a lot of people think humans inherently know what is right and wrong, the difference between justice and injustice, what we deserve and we don't deserve. I tell them: BS. Everything, everything must be taught, including compassion. If I see someone dying on the street right now, I will do anything to save that person. But when I was in North Korea, I saw people dying and dead on the streets. I felt nothing. Not because I'm a psychopath, but because I never learned the concept of compassion. Only, I felt compassion, empathy and sympathy in my heart after I learned the word "compassion" and the concept, and I feel them now.
　
23. inherently 與生俱來地
24. justice and injustice 正義與不義
25. psychopath 精神病患者
26. compassion, empathy and sympathy 憐憫、同理與同情*
　
我覺得值得分享的想法是：很多人以為，人類生來就能分辨是非對錯，懂得正義與邪惡的差別，我們值得被怎樣對待。我跟他們說：放屁。所有的事，所有的事都得經過教導，包含憐憫。如果我現在看見有人在路邊奄奄一息，我會不顧一切來救他。但我在北韓的時候，會眼睜睜看著有人橫死街頭，卻沒有任何感覺。並非因為我是心理病態，而是我從未學過憐憫的概念。只有在我的內心感受到憐憫、同理與同情，我才學會「憐憫」一詞與其概念，而如今我已能感受到這些。
　
*compassion: a strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for the suffering or bad luck of others and a wish to help them

empathy: the ability to share someone else's feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person's situation

sympathy: (an expression of) understanding and care for someone else's suffering
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
Now I live in the United States as a free person.
　
現在我以自由人的身分住在美國。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
And recently, the leader of the free country, our President Trump, met with my former god. And he decided human rights is not important enough to include in his agendas, and he did not talk about it. And it scares me. We live in a world right now where a dictator can be praised for executing his uncle, for killing his half brother, killing thousands of North Koreans. And that was worthy of praise. And also it made me think: perhaps we all need to be taught something new about freedom now. Freedom is fragile. I don't want to alarm you, but it is. It only took three generations to make North Korea into George Orwell's "1984." It took only three generations. If we don't fight for human rights for the people who are oppressed right now who don't have a voice, as free people here, who will fight for us when we are not free? Machines? Animals? I don't know.
　
27. agenda 議程
28. be praised for 因⋯⋯獲得讚揚
29. execute (v.) 處決
30. worthy of sth 適合某物或具有某物的特徵
31. fragile 脆弱
　
最近，自由國度的領袖，我們的川普總統，和我以前的神會面。他認定，人權沒那麼重要，不需排進議程中，所以對此他隻字不提。這嚇壞我了。我們竟身在一個獨裁者處決伯父還能獲得讚揚的世界裡，他殺害同父異母的哥哥、殺害成千上萬的北韓人民，竟還能得到讚揚。這不禁使我開始思考，也許我們現在都要學習自由的新涵義。自由很脆弱。我不想嚇你，但事實如此。短短三個世代，就讓北韓淪為喬治．歐威爾筆下的《１９８４》。只花了三個世代。如果我們不為人權而戰，不為受壓迫、不為無法發聲的人而戰，當身為自由人的我們不自由時，誰還願意為我們而戰？機器嗎？動物嗎？我不知道。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
I think it's wonderful that we care about climate change, animal rights, gender equality, all of these things. The fact that we care about animals' rights, that means that's how beautiful our heart is, that we care about someone who cannot speak for themselves. And North Koreans right now cannot speak for themselves. They don't have internet in the 21st century. We don't have electricity, and it is the darkest place on earth right now. Now I want to say something to my fellow North Koreans who are living in that darkness. They might not believe this, but I want to tell them that an alternative life is possible. Be free.
　
32. speak for oneself 為某人發聲
33. alternative life 另一種生活
　
我覺得我們能關心氣候變遷、動物權益、性別平等諸如此類之事，真的很美好。因為，我們關心動物權益，就代表了我們的心地有多善良，也代表我們關心無法為自己發聲的對象。北韓人民現在無法為自己發聲。身處２１世紀的他們，沒有網路可用。我們沒有電，那裡是當今地球上最暗的地方。現在我想告訴那些生活在北韓黑暗中的同胞。也許他們不會相信我，但我想告訴他們，生命仍有其他可能——意即自由的生活。
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
From my experience, literally anything is possible. I was bought, I was sold as a slave. But now I'm here, and that is why I believe in miracles. The one thing that I learned from history is that nothing is forever in this world. And that is why we have every reason to be hopeful. Thank you.
　
34. slave 奴隸
35. miracle 奇蹟
　
就我的經驗，真的什麼事都有可能發生。我被人買走，賣給別人當奴隸。但我現在在這裡，這也就是為什麼我相信奇蹟。我從歷史上學到的一件事，就是世上沒有什麼是永恆的。而這也是我們無論如何都能懷有希望的原因。謝謝大家。
　
資訊出處：https://bit.ly/32p5HiK
　
圖片出處：https://bit.ly/32n2zEe
　
★★★★★★★★★★★★
　
如何增進同理心：https://bit.ly/34qSKnC
　
#ChangingPerspectives
#翻轉視界

★★★★★★★★★★★★

翻轉視界系列文章: https://bit.ly/3fPvKUs

#尋人啟事
#胡湘荷妳在哪裡

我的母親已八十歲，
疫情期間，
母親常在電話跟我聊一些過去的事情，
母親的記憶力非常好，
從她十歲開始到現在，
她幾乎能記得所有的事情。

當然，
她記的幾乎都是些令人心碎的事。

就像她的妹妹＿
我的小阿姨，
跟她失聯了四十三年的事，
一直讓母親忘不了。

小阿姨屬猴，
64歲、
1956年出生。
大約1977年離開緬甸，
去到泰國投靠大舅，
又輾轉在1978年左右去了加拿大。
之後，
就失去了聯絡。

自從有網路以來，
我就幫忙母親在各種尋人版上刊登過尋人啟事，
但都沒有下文。
可能是刊登的資訊不齊全。

四十三年前，
小阿姨從緬甸到泰國又到加拿大，
可能證件、姓名等都跟原本的不一樣了。

近期，
與我母親通話，
母親又提到失聯的小阿姨。
她叮嚀我們是否能幫忙她再找找看。

母親今年八十歲，
她很想知道她的小妹，
是否還活在這世界上？

附上母親說的話，
她讓我公佈在網路上。

希望有緣，
我的小阿姨能看到。

Midi 於永和
2020 April 12

#胡湘荷
#尋人

胡湘荷，妳在哪裡？

阿湘，
我是妳的二姐胡明珠。
我們分別有好長一段時間了。

妳離開緬甸時，
我二兒子才剛出生，
都還不滿一個月，
妳來看他時，
還說：
「他的臉白白的，
是不是我給他擦粉？」
現在，
我二兒子四十三歲，
我呢，
已經快滿八十二歲，
八十多歲，
是老人了。

人家說，
人愈老記性愈差，
我是相反，
我的記性反倒是愈老愈好。
但是，我能記住的，
都是些傷心的事情。

也許，
我們這代人，
也沒有什麼快樂的事情可以記住。
就像妳的離開，
我們從此失去聯絡，
想起妳，
就讓我難過。

妳還活著嗎？
我想妳會活得好好的。
妳有幾個小娃了？
過得怎麼樣呢？

四十三年前，
妳離開腊戌時，
妳還在腊戌漢人學校唸書。

有天放學，
我去攔住妳，
跟妳說：
「妳以後每天下課後就來我家吃飯，
別去大姐家吃了…」
妳說：「好」。
妳也就跟著我到我家吃飯了。

我還記得，
妳才剛坐下，
我不知怎麼搞的，
就說了那些話。

我說：
「大姐讓妳以後來我這裡吃飯，
別去她家吃了，
讓妳三姐去她家吃，
妳三姐不挑嘴，
妳比較挑嘴…」。

這些話，
是大姐跟我說的，
我當時太懵，
太老實，
我也不曉得，
為什麼要說這些大姐講的話？
為什麼要講給妳聽？

我完全，
沒有擔待不了妳的意思呀。
不管多窮，
姐妹間互相照顧都是應該的，
我轉述大姐說妳的那些話，
是沒有任何理由的，
就是我以為是姐妹之間的聊天，
講出來而已。

我那時候過得很困難，
養著六個小娃，
病死了兩個。
但是，
照顧自己的妹妹是天經地義的。

那天，
我邊說就邊到廚房去炒菜，
難得妳來這裡吃飯，
總要多一樣什麼菜才行。

我炒完菜端著出來，
妳就不見了。

當時，
房東許老嬤嬤還在場，
她說，
「我轉進廚房，
妳就站起來走了…」

我那時才發覺；
我講錯話了。

妳這麼敏感的人呀！

我一路追著妳，
追到大水塘路上＿
到妳跟妳三姐住的地方，
妳正在哭。
妳正在哭著跟妳三姐吵架，
妳跟妳三姐說：
「二哥寄來的錢分來…」
妳三姐不敢應妳，
在旁沉默著。
這筆妳要的錢，
確實是妳二哥寄來給妳們兩姐妹的生活費。

那時，
媽媽剛去世不久，
大哥人去了泰國；
在泰國北部滿堂安了家，
家裡所有的兄弟陸續去了泰國。
而爸爸因為沒身份證在貴概被移民局抓住，
送到仰光坐滿九年牢，
緬甸政府正打算著把他送到台灣去的時候…

那天，
我看著妳哭，
我就明白了妳的心情。

妳三姐在準備跟她愛人私奔，
在腊戌妳也只有大姐、我和妳三姐了。

我和大姐早結婚，
各自已有有家庭。
如今妳三姐又要嫁人，
大哥他們又遠在泰國，
母親去世，
父親坐牢。
妳接下來就要孤苦零丁的一個人生存了。

一個十八歲的女孩。
我知道妳的害怕和難過。

那天，
看著妳哭，
我很後悔把大姐說的話講出來。

妳應該了解我的。
我一直都盡力照顧我的家人，
當時從雲南背著妳逃難到緬甸邊境，
背了一天一夜。
我都是自願的。

妳記得嗎？
妳到腊戌讀書時，
很想要一條件仔褲，
那時許多人都買不起，
我還是費盡力氣買給妳。
妳知道我是心疼妳的。

妳離開腊戌的那天，
妳說妳要去泰國了。
臨走時，
我拿了300塊錢給妳，
妳知道嗎？
那時候我拿出300塊錢緬幣是到處借來的錢呀。

阿湘，
我知道妳一直都在受苦，
去到泰國，
大嫂可能待不得妳，
妳二哥、三哥他們當時也沒能力照顧妳，
妳在泰國又沒有合法的身份；
哪可能有其它去處。

最後妳選擇結婚，
我想也只是為了解脫這些難過的生活罷了。

之後，
就聽說妳嫁了人，
跟著丈夫家去了加拿大。

之後，
我就再也就打聽不到妳的下落了。

我們最後的連繫，
停留在泰國北部滿堂，
或是停留在泰緬邊境美賽，
我都有些記不得了。

那時，
聽說妳從大哥家跑出來了？
又聽說妳去暫住在一對老年夫妻的家裡？
這些，
都是後來傳到腊戌的消息了。

妳去加拿大前，
還寄來給我和大姐和妳三姐每個人一件衣裳布、
一條籠基。
三份禮物裡夾著三張白紙，
寫著：「大姐的、二姐的、三姐的…」。
我還記得，
那是託「義號佛堂」楊前人帶來的禮物。

那條籠基到現在我還留著＿
孔雀花紋的。

阿湘，
我這個作二姐的也羞愧妳了。
當時，
聽到這些關於妳的困難的消息，
只能每天想念著，
想到傷心，
我沒有任何能力。

那時，
我是，
連從緬甸腊戌到泰國邊境的車票都買不起呀。
當時我養著這麼多小娃，
吃一口飯都難。

阿湘，
現在講這些都只是回憶了，
都是我們老人家的回憶，
都不重要了。

那為什麼還要講這些呢？
就是，
為了，
想讓妳看到，
看到這些我說的話，
證實，
我是妳的二姐而已。
想讓妳知道，
我一直在找妳。

我活到八十歲，
夠了，
人活這麼老沒什麼意思，
都盡是傷心的事情。

我不知哪天會死去。
但如果可能的話，
在死去之前，
能讓我知道一下妳的消息。

我想知道，
妳在哪裡？
我想知道，
妳還活著嗎？

阿湘，
爸爸十幾年前已經去世，
大哥六年前去世，
連大姐，
前年也不在世上了。

妳二哥；
他住在泰國山邊荒地裡，
幫人家看田地，
過得不是很好，
但也不用擔心，
我在泰國的二兒子和大姑娘時常會去照顧他。

妳三哥，
講到也是讓我難過呀。

他大前年腦出血，
去醫院醫好了，
但醫好後，
很奇怪，
突然忘記了漢人話，
只會講泰國話。
後來不久，
他就偷偷上吊自殺了。

你說，
我們兄弟姐妹這是什麼樣的命運呢？

阿湘，
我們家沒剩下什麼人了，
妳三姐、妳四哥還在泰國。
還有我，
我還活著。
我還在緬甸，在腊戌。

除了妳，
我們一家人也就剩下這三個人了。

阿湘，
我們已經分別已四十三年，
妳也有六十多歲了吧？
我很想知道，
妳在哪裡？
妳還活著嗎？

如果有緣，
妳看到這信，
就回我一下吧。

妳的二姐胡明珠，
日日夜夜，
在等妳的消息。

二姐胡明珠　於緬甸腊戌
2020 年4月11日
姪Midi代筆

找人信箱：humingju1638@gmail.com

**************
#notice for a missing person

translated by Jane Lin
****************

Where are you, Hu Shine-Ho?

Ah-Shine,
This is your 2nd sister, Hu Ming-Ju. It has been a long time since we last saw each other. When you left Burma, my 2nd son was not even one-month-old. You asked why he was so fair-skinned? Had I put powder on his face? Now, he is 43 and I am almost 82.

Eighty something...I am indeed an old woman! People say that you lose your memory as you age. I am quite the opposite. The older I get, the better I remember! But, what I remember is nothing but sadness. Perhaps, our generation just doesn't have much happiness. Like you leaving home, we losing contact forever…. The thought of you puts me in such despair. Are you still alive? I imagine you living a good life?!! How many children? How are you?

Forty-three years ago, you were still a student at Chinese High School in Lashio. One day after school, I went to intercept you, "From now on, come to my home after school. Don't go to 1st sister's for dinner anymore." You said, "OK" and followed me home.

I still remember clearly that you had just sat down and I said, "The first sister asks that you come to me for dinner. She will take 3rd sister who's easy-going, not like you, a picky eater." I don't know what possessed me that day? Why I had to tell you what 1st sister had to say? Was I too naive? Too honest? Too stupid? I had absolutely no intension not to take care of you - we are sisters!!!! We have to care for each other, no matter how poor we are!!! The first sister's words just came out as a casual chat between sisters. Nothing more!

Life was tough for me at the time. Diseases took away two of my six children. But that didn't mean I would ignore my God-given responsibility as your elder sister. Without realizing the impact of my "casual chat", I went into the kitchen wondering what additional dish I could come up with for your first dinner with us. When I came out with the dishes, you were already gone! According to our landlady, Granny Hsu, you just got up and left as soon as I was out of sight. Only then did I realize my stupid mistake and how sensitive you were! Immediately, I ran after you, all the way to Big Pond Road where you and 3rd sister stayed. You were crying, asking 3rd sister for the money that 2nd brother sent. 3rd sister just kept quiet.

Indeed! The money that you demanded from 3rd sister was to cover living expenses for both of you. At that time, Mother had already passed away. The first brother went to Thailand, had already settled his own family in Pong Ngam. All the brothers followed suit. Father got caught in Kutkai by the immigration for not having an I.D. and had been in prison in Rangoon for 9 years. The Burmese government was just about to send him to Taiwan…. That day, while watching you cry, I understood how you felt. The third sister was getting ready to run away with her lover and both 1st sister and I were married young with our own families to deal with. As an 18-year-old with no mother, a father in prison, you must have felt all alone, sad and very scared.

I was filled with regrets watching you that day. But, please understand that I have always tried my best to take care of my family. When we escaped from Yunnan to Burma as refugees, I carried you on my back all day and all night without any complaints. When you went to Lashio for school, you wanted a pair of jeans so badly, remember? It was such a luxury that most people could not afford. Yet, I gathered all my might to get you a pair. You know I always have a soft spot for you, don't you? The day you were leaving Lashio for Thailand, do you know how many places I had to try to gather 300 Burmese kyats for you???

Ah-Shine, I know it was a huge struggle for you in Thailand. It's impossible that 1st sister-in-law would put you up. Second and 3rd brothers were in no position to help you….. I suppose you were pushed into marriage, just to end this desperate situation. Last I heard, you moved to Canada with your husband. From that point onward, in spite of all the efforts, I just couldn't find any trace of your whereabouts.

Our last contact stopped at Pong Ngam, Thailand. Or, was it MaeSai? I can't quite remember now. The news came to Lashio that you had run away from 1st brother's home. Later, you were temporarily staying with an older couple….

Before leaving for Canada, you sent, via Abbott Yang of the Yi Buddhist Hall, a package for us - each gift had a piece of dress fabric and a longyi, clearly labeled on a piece of white paper: "for 1st sister," "for 2nd sister," "for 3rd sister." I still have that longyi, with a peacock pattern, after all these years!

Ah-Shine, I feel deeply embarrassed to be your elder sister. Upon hearing the challenges that you had to face at the time, I could do nothing but worrying and feeling sad. I couldn't even afford the bus fare from Lashio to the Thai border. I barely managed to feed my own children!
Ah-Shine, What's the use of talking about these old memories? These sad memories of us old people have no importance but to serve to show you that I am indeed your 2nd sister.… that I have been looking for you all these years.

To live in my eighties is more than enough for me. It's not much fun to live this long - just a lifetime of sadness. I have no idea when I will die and I don't really care. I just wish that I could hear from/about you before I leave this world. I want to know where you are. I want to know if you are still alive.

Ah-Shine, Father passed away more than a decade ago. The first brother left us 6 years ago, so did the first sister 3 years ago. The second brother works as a field caretaker in a remote Thai mountainside. It's not a good life, but both my 2nd son and first daughter are also in Thailand; can visit and take care of him often. The saddest is our 3rd brother. He had a stroke 3 years ago. After recovery, he suddenly forgot his Chinese, could only speak in Thai. Not long after, he hanged himself! Please tell me what kind of fate has been bestowed on our siblings??? What is the meaning of life???
Ah-Shine, There aren't that many of us left, only 3rd sister and 4th brother in Thailand and me still in Burma. In Lashio.

Ah-Shine, We have been apart for 43 years. You should be in your 60s by now. I really would like to know if you are still alive and where you live. God willing, you will see this letter and reply!!! (humingju1638@gmail.com)

Waiting to hear from you, day and night!

Second sister, Hu Ming-Ju
Lashio, Myanmar
April 11. 2020

哎呦~不好意思啦~這次拖了那麼久...
然後剪好了又發現出問題所以只好重剪一次啦~
反正現在就是剪好啦~
希望大家好好欣賞消失已久的兩人純生存囉~
P.S 凋零頭根本叫做高機率取得物吧xDD

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