關於 mothers day from daughter ，我們在網路上蒐集到這些相關的討論、資訊與評價

【2021威尼斯影展主競賽、地平線競賽等完整入選名單】

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本屆威尼斯影展競賽片單公布。鍾孟宏導演的《瀑布》闖進官方競賽的地平線單元，蔡明亮導演的《良夜不能留》則挺進競賽外短片單元。此外，本屆意外沒有任何中國長片入選，未知是否與坎城影展選映《時代革命》有間接關係。

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主競賽的入選導演則包括阿莫多瓦、保羅．索倫提諾、珍．康萍、史蒂芬．布塞、米開朗基羅．法爾瑪提諾、保羅．許瑞德等名導。日本動畫導演湯淺政明也順利入選地平線單元。

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本屆威尼斯影展將在2021年9月1日召開。

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主競賽
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評審團：
（主席）奉俊昊 Bong Joon Ho（導演、編劇）南韓🇰🇷
薩維里奧．康斯坦佐 Saverio Costanzo（導演、編劇）美國🇺🇸
薇吉妮．愛菲亞 Virginie Efira（演員）比利時🇧🇪
辛西婭．艾利沃 Cynthia Erivo（演員、歌手、作曲人）英國🇬🇧
莎拉．蓋登 Sarah Gadon（演員）加拿大🇨🇦
亞歷山大．納瑙 Alexander Nanau（導演）羅馬尼亞🇷🇴
趙婷 Chloé Zhao（導演）中國🇨🇳
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入選片單如下（含英文片名、與導演中英名）：
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《Parallel Mothers》西班牙🇪🇸（開幕片）
佩德羅．阿莫多瓦 Pedro Almodóvar
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《The Power of the Dog》英國🇬🇧澳大利亞🇦🇺美國🇺🇸加拿大🇨🇦紐西蘭🇳🇿
珍．康萍 Jane Campion
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《Spencer》美國🇺🇸英國🇬🇧德國🇩🇪智利🇨🇱
帕布羅．拉瑞恩 Pablo Larrain
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《Mona Lisa and the Blood Moon》美國🇺🇸
安娜．莉莉．阿米普爾 Ana Lily Amirpour
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《Un Autre Monde》法國🇫🇷
史蒂芬．布塞 Stephane Brize
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《America Latina》義大利🇮🇹
狄諾錢佐兄弟（D'Innocenzo brothers）
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《L’Evenement》法國🇫🇷
奧黛麗．迪萬 Audrey Diwan
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《Official Competition》西班牙🇪🇸
加斯頓．杜普拉特 Gaston Duprat ＆ 瑪莉安娜．柯恩 Mariana Cohn
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《Il Buco》義大利🇮🇹
米開朗基羅．法爾瑪提諾 Michelangelo Frammartino
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《Sundown》墨西哥🇲🇽
米歇爾．法蘭科 Michel Franco
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《Illusions Perdues》法國🇫🇷
札維耶．賈諾利 Xavier Giannoli
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《The Lost Daughter》美國🇺🇸英國🇬🇧希臘🇬🇷
瑪姬．葛倫霍 Maggie Gyllenhaal
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《Freaks Out》義大利🇮🇹比利時🇧🇪
蓋布瑞爾．曼尼提 Gabrielle Mainetti
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《Qui Rido Io》義大利🇮🇹西班牙🇪🇸
馬利歐．馬爾多那 Mario Martone
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《On the Job 2: The Missing 8》菲律賓🇵🇭
艾里克．馬帝 Erik Matti
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《Leave No Traces》波蘭🇵🇱法國🇫🇷捷克🇨🇿
揚．馬杜辛斯基 Jan P. Matuszynski
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《Captain Volkonogov Escaped》俄羅斯🇷🇺
娜塔莎・摩古羅瓦 Natasha Merkulova ＆ 艾力克西．楚波夫 Aleksey Chupov
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《The Card Counter》英國🇬🇧中國🇨🇳美國🇺🇸
保羅．許瑞德 Paul Schrader
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《The Hand of God》義大利🇮🇹
保羅．索倫提諾 Paolo Sorrentino
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《Reflection》烏克蘭🇺🇦
瓦倫廷．瓦夏諾維奇 Valentyn Vasyanovych
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《The Box》墨西哥🇲🇽美國🇺🇸
羅倫佐．維加斯 Lorenzo Vigas
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地平線競賽
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評審團：
（主席）潔絲米拉．茲巴尼奇 Jasmila Žbanić（導演、編劇）波士尼亞與赫賽哥維納🇧🇦
莫娜．費斯沃德 Mona Fastvold（演員）挪威🇳🇴
沙朗．莫克利 Shahram Mokri（導演、編劇、影評人）伊朗🇮🇷
喬許．辛格 Josh Siegel（策展人）美國🇺🇸
娜蒂亞．泰拉諾瓦 Nadia Terranova（作家）義大利🇮🇹
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入選片單如下：
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《Les Promesses》法國🇫🇷
Thomas Kruithof
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《Atlantide》義大利🇮🇹法國🇫🇷美國🇺🇸卡達🇶🇦
Yuri Ancarani
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《Miracle》羅馬尼亞🇷🇴捷克🇨🇿拉脫維亞🇱🇻
Bogdan George Apetri
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《Pilgrims》立陶宛🇱🇹
Laurynas Bareisa
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《The Peackock’s Paradise》義大利🇮🇹德國🇩🇪
Laura Bispuri
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《瀑布 The Falls》台灣🇹🇼
鍾孟宏 Chung Mong-Hong
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《El Hoyo En La Cerca》墨西哥🇲🇽
Joachin Del Paso
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《Amira》埃及🇪🇬約旦🇯🇴阿拉伯聯合大公國🇦🇪沙烏地阿拉伯🇸🇦
Mohammed Diab
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《A Plein Temps》法國🇫🇷
Eric Gravel
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《107 Mothers》斯洛伐克🇸🇰捷克🇨🇿烏克蘭🇺🇦
Peter Kerkekes
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《Vera Dreams of the Sea》科索沃🇽🇰阿爾巴尼亞🇦🇱北馬其頓🇲🇰
Kaltrina Krasniqi
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《White Building》柬埔寨🇰🇭法國🇫🇷中國🇨🇳卡達🇶🇦
Kavich Neang
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《Anatomy of Time》泰國🇹🇭法國🇫🇷荷蘭荷蘭新加坡🇸🇬德國🇩🇪
Jakrawal Nilthamrong
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《El Otro Tom》墨西哥🇲🇽美國🇺🇸
Rodrigo Pla, Laura Santullo
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《El Gran Movimiento》玻利維亞🇧🇴法國🇫🇷卡達🇶🇦瑞士🇨🇭
Kiro Russo
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《Once Upon a Time in Calcutta》印度🇮🇳法國🇫🇷挪威🇳🇴
Adita Vikram Sengupta
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《Rhino》烏克蘭🇺🇦波蘭🇵🇱德國🇩🇪
Oleg Sentsov
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《True Things》英國🇬🇧
Harry Wootliff
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《犬王 Inu-Oh》日本🇯🇵 中國🇨🇳
湯淺政明 Yuasa Maasaki
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地平線競賽──Extra
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入選片單如下：
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《Land of Dreams》伊朗🇮🇷（開幕片）
Shirin Neshat, Shoja Azari
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《Costa Brava》黎巴嫩🇱🇧
Mounia Akl
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《Mama, I’m Home》俄羅斯🇷🇺
Vladimir Bitokov
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《Ma Nuit》法國🇫🇷
Antoinette Boulot
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《La Ragazza Ha Volato》義大利🇮🇹
Wilma Labate
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《7 Prisoners》巴西🇧🇷
Alexandre Moratto
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《The Blind Man Who Did Not Want to See Titanic》芬蘭🇫🇮
Teemu Nikki
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《La Macchina Delle Immagini di Alfredo C》阿爾巴尼亞🇦🇱
Rolando Sejko
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地平線競賽──短片
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入選片單如下：
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《Don't Get Too Comfortable》
Shaima Al Tamimi
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《Techno, Mama》
Saulius Baradinskas
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《4 AM》
Mehdi Fikri
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《Sandstorm》
Seemab Gul
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《Heltzear》
Mikel Gurrea
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《Los Huesos》
Cristóbal León, Joaquín Cociña
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《頭繩，雞蛋，作業本 Hair Tie, Egg, Homework Books》中國🇨🇳
羅潤霄 Runxiao Luo
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《IL TURNO》
Chiara Marotta
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《Fall of The Ibis King》
Josh O’Caoimh, Mikai Geronimo
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《New Abnormal》
Sorayos Prapapan
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《La Fée des Roberts》
Léahn Vivier-Chapas
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《The Last Day》
Momi Yamashita
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地平線──競賽外短片
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《Ato》
Bárbara Paz
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《Diario Di Uua Passeggiata》
Giuseppe Piccioni
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競賽外單元──劇情片
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入選片單如下：
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《沙丘 Dune》加拿大🇨🇦匈牙利🇭🇺英國🇬🇧美國🇺🇸
丹尼．維勒納夫 Denis Villeneuve
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《Il Bambino Nascosto》義大利🇮🇹法國🇫🇷（閉幕片）
Roberto Ando
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《Les Choses Humaines》法國🇫🇷
Yvan Attal
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《Ariaferma》義大利🇮🇹瑞士🇨🇭法國🇫🇷
Leonardo di Costanzo
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《Halloween Kills》美國🇺🇸
David Gordon Green
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《La Scoula Cattolica》義大利🇮🇹
Stefano Mordini
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《Old Hnery》美國🇺🇸
Potsy Ponciroli
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《最後的決鬥 The Last Duel》英國🇬🇧美國🇺🇸
雷利．史考特 Ridley Scott
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《Last Night in Soho》英國🇬🇧美國🇺🇸
艾德格．萊特 Edgar Wright
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《Scenes From a Marriage（第一集至第五集）》美國🇺🇸
Hagai Levi
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競賽外單元──非劇情片
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入選片單如下：
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《Life of Crime 1984-2020》美國🇺🇸
Jon Alpert
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《Tranchees》法國🇫🇷
Loup Bureau
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《Viaggio Nel Crepuscolo》義大利🇮🇹
Augusto Contento
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《Republic of Silence》敘利亞🇸🇾德國🇩🇪法國🇫🇷卡達🇶🇦
Diana El Jeiroudi
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《Hallelujah: Leonard Cohen, A Journey, A Song》美國🇺🇸
Daniel Geller, Dayna Goldfine
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《Deandre#Deandre Storia Di Un Impiegato》義大利🇮🇹
Roberta Lena
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《Django and Django》義大利🇮🇹
Luca Rea
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《Ezio Bosso. Le Cose Che Restano》義大利🇮🇹
Giorgio Verdelli
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競賽外單元──特別放映
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入選片單如下：
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《Le 7 Giornate di Bergamo》義大利🇮🇹
西蒙娜．文圖拉 Simona Ventura
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《Il Cinema Al Tempo del Covid》義大利🇮🇹
安德烈．塞格雷 Andrea Segre
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競賽外單元──短片
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入選片單如下：
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《Plastic Semiotic》羅馬尼亞🇷🇴
哈都．裘德 Radu Jude
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《良夜不能留 The Night》台灣🇹🇼
蔡明亮 Tsai Ming-Liang
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《Sad Film》
瓦西里 Vasili
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（圖為《Spencer》劇照，本片由克莉絲汀．史都華(Kristen Stewart)飾演黛安娜王妃(Diana, Princess of Wales)。）

In Taiwan, it's customary for postpartum mothers to spend one month in a postpartum center in order to fully recover. Within that time period the mothers are supposed to eat healthy, get pampered, and mostly stay in bed. They have highly skilled nurses to help care for the newborn baby and the mother 24 hours each day. Aside from being able to get lots of sleep, mothers are provided with a detailed guide on how to take care of their new baby when they get home.
在台灣，剛生完小孩的媽媽們習慣在產後中心度過一個月時光並達到完全康復。在康復期，媽媽們應該吃得健康，被照顧得好好的，而也有一大部分的時間都躺在床上。產後中心裡有熟練的護士24小時照顧媽媽和新生兒。媽媽們除了能夠獲得充足的睡眠之外，還可以學習如何在家裡照顧自己的寶貝。

For my second child, I choose to stay at Ying Lun Postpartum Care. I was blown away by the amazing service and amenities there! For my second child, I thought that I would be pretty set in terms of knowing how to take care of the newborn baby, but I was pleasantly surprised that I really learned a lot during my stay at Ying Lun. While the services are mainly for mother and the newborn, when my eldest arrived to the postpartum center to visit with a scar on her forehead the nurses immediately came to help check and redress her wound. It was so sweet!
我的第二胎，我選擇留在 英倫產後護理之家。我被他們的服務和設施驚艷到！我認為我會在如何照顧新生兒方面做得很好，因爲這是我的第二胎，但是我很高興我在這裡學到了很多東西。雖然主要為媽媽們和新生兒提供服務，但是當我的大女兒來這探望我時，額頭上有小傷口，護士立即來幫助我們檢查傷口，真是太窩心了！

My favorites things about Ying Lun were:
關於英倫，我最喜歡的東西是：
1. The food! I didn't get sick of the meals there, and they were so delicious I pretty much finished all of them. As a breastfeeding mom, I finished the breakfast, lunch, dinner, and three snacks they provided.
1.食物！那裡的餐點令我百吃不厭，而且非常美味，每一道我都吃得精光。作為一個正在餵母乳的媽媽，我每天都吃完了早餐，午餐，晚餐和三種小點心。

2. The nurses! The nurses at Ying Lun were extremely knowledgeable, accommodating and generally concerned for your well-being. I could tell they really went out of their way to take care of the babies and even talk to them show them love in the nursery.
2.英倫的護士們非常有智慧，也樂於助人，並且關心所有人的健康。他們真的竭盡所能照顧嬰兒，愛護他們。

3. The amenities! I loved the luxurious decor, the comfy slippers they provided, the playroom for my eldest daughter, the photo studio A Plus 專業攝影, the spa package, the gym and even the coffee in the lobby. It was delicious!
3.設施非常的豪華！裝飾也很漂亮，我超喜歡他們提供的舒適拖鞋，大女兒常常流連忘返的遊戲室, A Plus 專業攝影，Spa，健身房，甚至是大廳提供的咖啡都很美味！

I guess it's hard to list my favorite things considering I liked everything about it! Check out our video below!
我喜歡的東西實在太多了，很只列出其中幾項！可以觀看我們的影片看看到底有多棒！

Thanks so much Ying Lun for your kindness and warmth. It was exactly my family and I needed! <3 <3
謝謝英倫在這幾周裡的幫助和溫暖，正是我和家人所需的要！

If you want to hear more about our experience you can also tune in my latest Kungfu Momma Show podcast about it!
如果大家想了解更多有關我們的經驗，還可以收聽我們最新的功夫媽媽秀Podcast
Anchor: https://cutt.ly/UbMJPge

My sister, Michelle-Ann Iking's 3% chance of conceiving naturally was a success! Here's her story:

(My apologies as I've been overwhelmed with personal matters. I've only managed to get to my desk. So finally got around posting this).

This is the story behind my sister's pregnancy struggle and how she shared her journey over her Facebook page.

Because some may have not caught her LIVE session chat with me (https://www.facebook.com/daphneiking/videos/687743128744960/) , or read her lengthy post (as it's a private page);
she's allowed me to copy and paste it over my wall, in case you need to know more about her thought process on how AND why she focused on the 3% success probability. Read on.

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Posted 10th May 2020.
FB Credit: Michelle-Ann Iking

A week ago today I celebrated becoming a mother to our second, long awaited child.

Please forgive this mother's LONG (self-indulgent) post, journalling what this significant milestone has meant for her personally, for her own fallible memory's sake as well as maybe to share one day with her son.

If all you were wondering was whether I had delivered and if mum and bub are OK, please be assured the whole KkLM family are thriving tremendously, and continue scrolling right along your Newsfeed 😁.

OUR 3% MIRACLE

All babies are miracles... and none more so than our precious Kiaen Aaryan (pronounced KEY-n AR-yen), whose name derives from Sanskrit origins meaning:

Grace of God
Spiritual
Kind
Benevolent

...words espousing the gratitude Kishore and I feel for Kiaen's arrival as our "3% miracle".

He was conceived, naturally, after 3 years of Kishore and I hoping, praying and 'endeavoring'... and only couples for whom the objective switches from pure recreation to (elusive) procreation will understand how this is less fun than it sounds ...

3 years during which time we had consensus from 3 different doctors that we, particularly I (with my advancing age etc etc) had only a 3% chance of natural conception and that our best hope for a sibling for our firstborn, Lara Anoushka, was via IVF.

Lara herself was an 'intervention baby', being one of the 20% of babies successfully conceived through the less intrusive IUI process, after a year and a half of trying naturally and already being told then my age was a debilitating factor.

We had tried another round of IUI for her sibling in 2017 when Lara was a year old. And that time we fell into the ranks of the 80% of would-be parents for whom it would be an exercise in futility... who would go home, comfort each other as best they could, while individually masking their own personal disappointment... hoping for the best, 'the next time around'...

So the improbability ratio of 97% against natural conception of our second baby, as concurred by the combined opinion of 3 medical professionals, was a very real, very daunting figure for us to have to mentally deal with.

Deep, DEEP, down in my heart however, though I had many a day of doubt... I kept a core kernel of faith that somehow, I would again experience the privilege of pregnancy, and again, have a chance at childbirth.

And so, the optimist in me would tell myself, "Well, there have to be people who fall in the 3% bucket... why shouldn't WE be part of the 3%?"

Those who know me well, understand my belief in the Law of Attraction, the philosophy of focusing your mind only on what you want to attract, not on what you don't want, and so even as Kishore and I prepared to go into significant personal debt to attempt IVF in the 2nd half of 2019, I marshalled a last ditch effort to hone in on that 3% chance of natural conception... through research coming across fertility supplements that I ordered from the US and sent to a friend in Singapore to redirect to me because the supplier would not deliver to Malaysia.

I made us as a couple take the supplements in the 3 month 'priming period' in the lead up to the IVF procedure - preconditioning our bodies for optimum results, if you will.

At the same time, I had invested in a sophisticated fertility monitor, with probes and digital sensors for daily tracking of saliva and other unmentionable fluid samples, designed to pinpoint with chemical accuracy my state of fertility on any given day.

(UPDATE: For those interested - I obtained the supplements and Ovacue Fertility Monitor from https://www.fairhavenhealth.com/. Though I had my supplies delivered to a friend in Singapore, and redirected to me here since the US site does not deliver to Malaysia, there are local distributors for these products, you will just have to research the trustworthiness of the vendors yourself...)

I had set an intention - in the 3 months of pre-IVF priming, I would consume what seemed like a pharmacy's worth of supplements, and track fertility religiously... in hopes that somehow, within the 3 month priming period, we would conceive naturally and potentially save ourselves a down payment on a new property... and this was just a projection on financial costs of IVF, not even considering the physical, emotional and mental toll it involves, with no guarantee of a baby at the end of it all...

It was a continuation of an intention embedded even with my first pregnancy, where all the big ticket baby items were consciously purchased for use by a future sibling, in gender neutral colours, in hopes that sibling would be a brother "for a balanced pair", though of course any healthy child would be a welcome blessing.

It was a very conscious determination to always skew my thoughts in service of what the end objective was. For example, when 3+year old Lara would innocently express impatience at not yet having a sibling, at one point suggesting that since we were "taking too long to give her a baby brother/sister", perhaps we should just "go buy a baby from a shop", instead of getting defensive or berating the baby that she herself was, we enlisted Lara's help to pray for her sibling... so in any place of worship, or sacred ground of any kind that we passed thereon, Lara would stop, close her eyes, bow her small head and place her tiny hands together in prayer, reciting earnestly, "Please God, please give me a baby brother or baby sister."

After months and months of watching Lara do this, in the constancy of her childlike chant, Kishore started feeling the pressure of possibly disappointing Lara if her prayer was not answered. Whereas for me, Lara's recitation of her simple wish became like a strengthening mantra, our collective intention imbued with greater power with each repetition, and the goal of a sibling kept very much in the forefront of our minds (hence our calling Lara our 'project manager' in this endeavour).

And somehow in the 2nd month of that 3 month period, a positive + sign appeared on one of the home pregnancy tests I had grown accustomed to taking - my version of the lottery tickets others keep buying in hopes of hitting the jackpot, with all the cyclical anticipation and more often than not, disappointment, that entails...

This time however I was not disappointed.

With God's Grace, (hence 'Kiaen', a variation of 'Kiaan' which means 'Grace of God'), my focus on our joining the ranks of the 3% had materialised.

It seems poetic then, that Kiaen chose to make his appearance on the 3rd May, ironically the same date that his paternal great-grandfather departed this world for the next... such that in the combined words of Kishore and his father Kai Vello Suppiah,

"The 1st generation Suppiah left on 3rd May and the 4th generation Suppiah arrived on 3rd May after 41yrs...
One leaves, another comes, the legacy lives on..."

***

KIAEN AARYAN SUPPIAH'S BIRTH STORY

On Sunday 3rd May, I was 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

The baby was, in my mind, very UN-fashionably late past his due date of 29th April, so as much as I had willed and 'manifested' the privilege of pregnancy, to say I was keen to be done with it all was an understatement.

In the weeks leading to up to my full term, I had experienced increasingly intense Braxton-Hicks 'practice contractions' - annoying for me for the discomfort involved, stressful for Kishore who was on tenterhooks with the false alarms, on constant alert for when we would actually need to leave home for the hospital.

Having become a Hypnobirthing student and advocate from my first pregnancy with Lara, and thus being equipped with
(1) a lack of fear about childbirth in general and
(2) a basic understanding of how all the sensations I would experience fit into the big picture of my body bringing our baby closer to us,
I was less stressed - content to wait for the baby to be "fully cooked" and come out whenever he was ready... though I wouldn't have minded at all if the cooking time ended sooner, rather than later.

With Lara, I had been somewhat 'forced' into an induced labour, even though she was not yet due, and that had resulted in a 5 DAY LABOUR, a Birth Story for another post, so I was not inclined to chemically induce labour, even though I was assured that for second time mothers, it would be 'much faster and easier'...

That morning, I had a hunch *maybe* that day was the day, because in contrast to previous weeks' sensations of tightening, pressure and even spasms that were concentrated in the front of my abdomen and occasionally shot through my sides and legs, I felt period - like cramping in my lower back which I had not felt before throughout the pregnancy.

It was about 8am in the morning then, and my 'surges' were still relatively mild ('surges' being Hypnobirthing - speak for 'contractions', designed to frame them with the more positive connotations needed to counteract common language in which childbirth is presented as something that is unequivocally painful and traumatic, instead of the miraculous, powerful and natural phenomenon it actually is).

I recall (masochistically?) entertaining the thought of opting NOT to have an epidural JUST TO SEE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE...

I figured this would be the last time I would be pregnant and so it would be my 'last chance' to experience 'drug free labour' which, apart from the health benefits for baby and mother, might be *interesting* in a way that people who are curious about what getting a tattoo and skydiving and bungee jumping are like, might find these *interesting*...even knowing there will be pain and risk involved...

Since I have tried tattoos and skydiving (unfortunately not being able to squeeze in bungee-jumping while my life was purely my own to risk at no dependents' possible detriment) a similar curiousity about a no-epidural labour was on my mind...

In the absence of other signs of the onset of labour (like 'bloody show' or my waters breaking), I wanted to wait until the surges were coming every few minutes before we actually left the house for the hospital, not wanting to be one of those couples who rushed in too early and had interminable waits for the next stage in unfamiliar, clinical surroundings and/or were made to go home in an anti-climatic manner.

I was even calm enough through my surges to have the presence of mind to wash and blowdry my hair, knowing if I did deliver soon I would not be allowed this luxury for a while.

Around 9am I asked Kishore to prep for Lara and himself to be dressed and breakfasted so we could head to hospital soon, while I sent messages to family members on both sides informing them 'today might be the day.'

My mother, who had briefly served as a midwife before going back into general nursing and then becoming a nursing tutor, prophetically stated that if what I was experiencing was true labour, "the baby would be out by noon".

The pace in which my surges grew closer together was surprisingly quicker than I expected; and while I asked Lara to "Hurry up with breakfast" with only a tad more urgency than we normally tell her to do, little Missy being prone to dilly-dallying at meals, I probably freaked Kishore out when about 930am onwards, I had to instinctively get on my hands and knees a couple of times, eyes closed, trying to practice the Hypnobirthing breathing techniques I had revised to help along the process of my body birthing our child into the world.

I recall him saying a bit frantically as I knelt at our front door, doubled over as he waited for Lara to complete something or other, "Lara hurry up! Can't you see Mama is in so much pain and you are taking your own sweet time??!!"

SIDETRACK: Just the night before, Lara and I had watched a TV show in which a woman gave birth with the usual histrionics accompanying pop culture depictions of labour.

Lara watched the scene, transfixed.

I told her, simply and matter-of-factly, "That's what Mama has to do to get baby brother out Lara, and that's what I had to do for you also."

In most of interactions with my daughter, I have sought to equip her to face life's situations with calmness, truthful common sense, and ideally a minimum of drama.

Those who know the dramatic diva that Lara can be will know that this is a work-in-progress, but her response to me that night showed me some of my 'teachings' were sinking in:

She looked at me unfazed, "But Mama," she said. "You won't cry and scream like that lady, right? You will be BRAVE and stay calm, right?"
#nopressure.

So as we prepped to leave for the hospital I did indeed attempt to be that role model of calm for her, asking her only for her help in keeping very quiet,
"Because Mama needs to focus on bringing baby brother out and she needs quiet to concentrate...".

As we left the house at 10.11am, I texted Kishore's sister Geetha to please prep to pick up Lara from the hospital, and was grateful Kishore had the foresight to ask our gynae to prepare a letter for Geetha to show any police roadblocks between my in-laws' home in Subang Jaya and the hospital in Bangsar, this all happening under the Movement Control Order (MCO).

To Lara's credit, in the journey over to the hospital, she - probably sensing the gravity of the situation, sat very quietly in her seat at the back, and the silence was punctuated only by my occasional deep intakes of breath and some variation of my Ohmmm-like moans when the sensations were at their height.

By the time we got to Pantai Hospital at around 10.30am, my surges were strong enough I requested a wheelchair to assist me in getting to the labour ward, as I did not trust my own legs to support me... and Kishore would have to wait until Geetha had arrived to take Lara back to my in-laws' house before he himself could go up.

I slumped in the wheelchair and was wheeled up to the labour room with my eyes closed the whole time, trying to handle my surges.

I didn't even look up to see the attendant who pushed me... but did make the effort to thank him sincerely when he handed me over, with what seemed like a palpable sense of relief on his part, to the labour ward nurses.

The nurse attending me at Pantai was calm, steady and efficient. I answered some questions and changed into my labour gown while waiting for Kishore to come up, all the while managing the increasingly intense surges with my rusty Hypnobirthing breathing techniques.

By the time Kishore joined me at around 11am (I know these timings based on the timestamps of the 'WhatsApp live feed' of messages Kishore sent to his family), I was asking the nurse on duty, "How soon can I get an epidural??" thinking what crazy woman thought she could do this without drugs???!!!

The nurse checked my cervix dilation, I saw her bloodied glove indicating my mucous plug had dislodged, and she told me, "Well you are already at 7cm (which, for the uninitiated, is 70% of the way to the 10cm dilation needed for birthing), you are really doing well, if you made it this far without any drugs, if can you try and manage without it... I suspect within 2 hours or less you will deliver your baby and since it will take about that time for the anaesthesiologist to be called, epidural to be administered and kick in... it might all be for nothing... but of course the decision is completely up to you... "

So there I was, super torn, should I risk the sensations becoming worse... or risk the epidural becoming a waste?? And of course I was trying to decide this as my labour surges were coming at me stronger and stronger...

I was in such a dilemma...because as a 'recovering approval junkie' there was also a silly element of approval-seeking involved, ("The nurse thinks I can do this without drugs... maybe I CAN do this without drugs... Yay me!") mixed with that element of curiosity I mentioned earlier ("What if I actually CAN do this without drugs... plenty of other women have done it all over the world since time immemorial.. no big deal, how bad can it be...??") so then I thought I would use the financial aspect to be the 'tiebreaker' in my decision making...

I asked the nurse how much an epidural would cost and when she replied "Around MYR1.5k", I still remember Kishore's incredulous face as I asked the question, i.e."Seriously babe, you are gonna think about money right now? If you need the epidural TAKE IT, don't worry about the money!!!"... and while we are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, thankfully RM1.5k is not a quantum that made me swing towards a decision to "better save the money"...

So in the end, I guess my curiosity won out, and I turned down the epidural "just to see what it would be like and if I had it in me" (in addition of course to avoiding the side effects of any drugs introduced into my and the baby's body).

My labour occuring in the time of coronavirus, it was protocol for me to have a COVID19 test done, so the medical staff could apply the necessary precautions. I had heard from a friend Sharon Ruba that the test procedure was uncomfortable, so when the nurse came with the test kit as I was starting another surge, I asked, "Please can I just finish this surge before I do the test?" as I really didn't think I could multitask tackling multiple uncomfortable sensations in one go.

The COVID19 test involved what felt like a looong, skinny cotton bud being inserted into one nostril... I definitely felt more than a tickle as it went in and up, being told to take deep breaths by the nurse. Then she asked me to "Try to swallow" and I felt it go into my nasal cavities where I didn't think anything could go any further, but was proven wrong when she asked me to swallow again and the swab was probed even deeper. Then she warned me there would be some slight discomfort as she prepared to collect a sample... but at that point all I could think about was:

(i) I really don't have much of a choice
(ii) please let this be over before my next surge kicks in
(iii) if all the people breaking the MCO rules knew what it feels like to do this test maybe they won't put themselves at risk of the need to perform one...

In full disclosure as I was transferred into the actual delivery room at some point after 11am, another nurse offered me 'laughing gas' to ostensibly take some of the edge off... I took the self-operated breathing nozzle passed to me but don't recall it making any difference to my sensations..so didn't use it much as it seemed pretty pointless.

I recall some measure of relief when I heard my gynae Dr. Paul entering the room, greeting Kishore and me, and telling us it was going well and it wouldn't be long now and he would see us again shortly.

From my previous labour with Lara I knew the midwives pretty much take you 90% of the way through the labour and when the Dr is called in you are really at the home stretch, so was very relieved to hear his voice though knowing he would leave and come back later meant it wasn't quite over yet.

I do remember realising when I had crossed the Thinning and Opening Phase of labour to the Birthing Phase, by the change in sensations... it is still amazing to me that as the Hypnobirthing book mentioned, having this knowledge I was instinctively able to switch breathing techniques for the next stage of labour .

Was my opting against epidural the right choice for me?

Overall? Yes.

Don't get me wrong.

I *almost* regretted the decision several times during active labour... especially when I felt my body being taken over by an overwhelming compulsion to push that did not seem conscious and was accompanied by involuntary gutteral moans where I literally just thought to myself, "I surrender, God do with me what you will..." (super dramatic I know but VERY real at the time...).

I think I experienced 3-4 such natural explusive reflexes (?), rhythmically pushing the baby down the birth path, one of which was accompanied by what felt like a swoosh of water coming out of a hose with a diameter the size of a golf ball... this was when I realised my water had finally broken...

The nurses kept instructing me to do different things, to keep breathing, to move to my side, then to move to the middle, to raise my feet... and when I didn't comply, Kishore (who was with me throughout both my labours) tried to help them by repeating the instructions prefaced with "Sayang..." but I basically ignored all the intructions because I felt I had no capacity to direct any part of my body to do anything and someone else would have to physically manoeuvre that body part themselves.

When I heard Dr. Paul's voice again and the flurry of commotion surrounding his presence, I knew the time was close... and when I heard the nurse say to Kishore, "Sir, these are your gloves, for when you cut the baby's cord", it was music to my ears...

I'm very, VERY grateful Kiaen slid out after maybe the 4th of those involuntary pushes... the wave of RELIEF when he came out so quickly... it still boggles my mind that my mother was essentially right and as his birth time was 12.02pm, it was *only* about 1.5 hours between our arrival at the hospital and his arrival into the world.

Kiaen was placed on my chest for skin to skin bonding and remained there for a considerable time.

For our short stay in the hospital he would be with us in my maternity ward number C327... another trivially serendipitous sign for me because he was born on the 3rd (May) and our wedding anniversary is 27th (July).

I was discharged the following day 4th May at about 5.30pm, after I got an all clear on COVID19 and a paediatric surgeon did a small procedure on Kiaen to address a tongue-tie that would affect his breastfeeding latch... making the entire duration of our stay about 31 hours.

I have taken the time and effort to record all this down so that whenever life's challenges threaten to get me down I can remind myself, "Ignore the 97% failure probability, focus on the 3% success probability".

Also that the human condition is miraculous and it is such a privilege to experience it.

To our son Kiaen Aaryan, thank you for coming into our lives and choosing us as your parents.

Even though Papa and I are both zombies trying to settle into a night time feeding routine with you, I look forward to spending not only all future Mother's Days, but every day, with you and your Akka...

And last but not least, to my husband Kishore...without whom none of this would be possible - we did it sayang, I love you ❤️

Photo credit: Stayhome session with Samantha Yong Photography (http://samanthayong.com/)

[Update: HEY IDIOTS. IF YOU INSULT MY LOOKS THEN PROCEED TO TELL ME I SHOULDN’T INSULT ROSMAH FOR HER LOOKS YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN ME FUCKTARD. I HOPE YOU GROW SOME BRAINS ONE DAY OK?]

By popular demand I’ve transformed into Rosmah for Halloween! Posted a 2 second preview on Instagram and was shocked to see many people pissed off and asking me to respect Rosmah ? why the fuck would I respect crooked politicians you tell me?

I realized many of the angry comments are all saying the same old shit so I’ll answer them here:

“This is racist”
How on EARTH is this racist? Nobody is mocking all Malays, or all Malaysians. The subject here is only one nasty person. So I’m also racist against chinese because I did a Sun Ho makeup tutorial? Don’t be childish please. Singapore is half filled with Malays and Malaysians, many of them are my friends and I do not have a problem with either.

“This is rude”
No shit Sherlock I don’t see a need to be polite to Rosmah, whom I deem as a vile, evil person. If you want to know why I feel that way, you can feel free to read up on her wiki page: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosmah_Mansor additional bonus fun reads: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Shaariibuugiin_Altantuyaa http://www.financetwitter.com/2018/08/jamaluddin-jarjis-rm2-billion-fortune-opens-up-a-can-of-worms-malaysia-has-at-least-two-hundred-billionaires.html
I’m supposed to be polite to her? Why? Would you be polite to hitler? Don’t be ridiculous

“How would you like it if someone did this to you/your mother?”
First up I’d be fucking honoured if someone dresses up as me for Halloween, it would mean I’m famous and iconic. Tag me in your photos if you do people! Secondly, funny you guys would bring up mothers. Rosmah’s own estranged daughter and son in law wrote long glowing articles about what a stellar person she is. NOT. You can read what Rosmah’s own daughter said about her. That poem still haunts me: https://thecoverage.my/news/rosmahs-daughter-sow-law-confession-evil-mother-torture-berhati-syaitan-berajakan-hantu/ so you ask me what I would feel if Rosmah were my mom? I’d disown her as Azrene did. And nobody would mock my mother because she didn’t (allegedly) steal millions of dollars and spend it on opulent luxuries. If she did, I’d say she deserves it.

“You look like Rosmah already”/“you will look like her in future”/“mcm Babi”
Ok sure lol

“Mind your own business Singaporean”/“why don’t you do LKY? Scared right?”
Don’t be juvenile Rosmah is internationally well known anyone can talk about her, she doesn’t belong to you Malaysians to discuss ? And I won’t do a LKY look because I respect him. Not because he is a Singaporean or Chinese but because he made Singapore what it is today and he isn’t corrupt ??‍♀️

“I don’t like Rosmah either but you shouldn’t mock how people look like”
Usually I’d agree with that but hey did Rosmah care about the feelings of Malaysians when she (and Najib) allegedly embezzled money? If no why must you care abt her feelings when people discuss her face? Please lah before my video her face was mocked by widespread memes of her face put next to the Snow White witch, y’all Malaysians call her Hippo etc etc. My video is just one among the thousands of insults abt her face. The hypocrisy is astounding though, you guys can in one fell swoop tell me I shouldn’t insult her face, then feel free to insult my face immediately after ? #doublestandards Besides, back to point one: Rosmah’s hurt feelings are the least of my concerns sorry ??‍♀️

If you are confused by the mv at the end, believe it or not Rosmah actually released an album in 2013. The voice you are hearing is actually hers ? You have to see it to believe it: https://youtu.be/gfF3_JmgkDg ft: Najib plus vintage dreamy filter lol

And the comedy gold doesn’t just end here. Rosmah claims that she actually earned millions from her album sales, despite it never being sold to the public. Apparently government officials were such fans of her singing that they bought her private album... and there is nothing wrong with spending her own money on a few bags and dresses ? #icannot (Source: https://says.com/my/news/rosmah-i-m-a-naturally-gifted-accountant-who-has-earned-millions-from-my-recording-album )

If you are angry remember to follow me on Instagram so that you can go leave hate comments on my every post! http://instagram.com/xiaxue - and remember to subscribe!

#xiaxue #rosmah #halloween