關於 the head and the heart another story ，我們在網路上蒐集到這些相關的討論、資訊與評價

Meet my new cottagemate aka my sister Dr Auntie. I know many of you must be missing her motivational posts. But she’s kinda a bit busy with praying and playing peekaboo 👻

Well, allow me to share a very sad story…yesterday, I went to the antique fair and found myself this treasure of a deer head taxidermy. As my eyes and the deer’s eyes met, we both fell in love at the first sight! 😍 I was hugging the poor thing and ready to take it home with me when my sister turned around and said to me, “NO” 😭

I mean how could we both (the deer and I) live without one another now that we’ve been in love for a few minutes. I was rolling on the floor crying my heart out when my sister started to pull my legs out of the fair. I waved my hands to bid farewell to the love of my life (the deer) as my legs were being pulled. I’m officially heartbroken 💔 And I can’t sleep thinking of how the deer would also be missing me too…

I know many of you would be crying reading my sad story and thinking how much time you’ve wasted on another silly story of mine 😜 But don’t worry, you can always look at this from a positive angle - you’ve actually been reading! And reading is good for your brain!! So well done to all of you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Peace,
Mrs Mom ✌🏻
#wisemomsays

p/s: Hopefully the deer head won’t appear in my dreams tonight to haunt me of his forbidden love 🤪

JANGAN IZINKAN IBU LAHIRKAN TUANNYA

Masa awal aku kahwin dengan isteri aku, aku dapat pakej 4 orang anak. Alhamdulillah. Yang mana 2 daripada 4 ni istimewa sikit. Dua-dua aspergers. Sorang ADD sorang lagi ADHD. Paling mencabar sekali tau tak apa? Anak-anak ni sebelum kehadiran aku, diorang ni di manjakan betul. Cukup manja! Semua nak, dapat. Tak boleh kena tegur, mesti menaangis dan membentak. 3 lelaki, sorang perempuan. Masa tu umur yang sulung 14 tahun. Yang second 12 tahun...
Continue ReadingDON ' T ALLOW MOTHER TO BORN HER MASTER

When I married my wife, I got a package of 4 children. Thank God. Which 2 of the 4 is a little special. Both aspergers. Another ADD another ADHD. It's most challenging to know it's okay? These kids before my presence, they are being pampered right. Pretty spoiled! All want, got it. Can't be told, must cry and snap. 3 men, a woman. At that time the eldest was 14 years old. The second 12 years old. Third 9 years old. Fourth of 6 years old girl.

First time entering the family, I've had a meeting done. With gangster style, long hair braids. I'm doing a LIVE FB meeting with children. In the meeting, I just entered the family, so follow my rules. I don't follow their rules.

At the beginning, many people who are nearest have started tripping and spreading stories, not saying that I will hit the kids. The swing bowl is right who reads people from this person's use.

Remember the early marriage, my wife always reminds me of me. If these kids promise anything they need to be fulfilled, they will cry badly and scream. Hard to persuade. Sometimes I want to break my breath and cry. The other one is ADHD if he cries, he can't be angry, he has to say it carefully. Because later he will be raging and coming hyper. The one who added is his own attitude. It's just his problem that he doesn't take the port. The eldest is the most pamper. Ask for whatever the confirmation gets. After that it's urgent to work.

I really don't feel like I'm suitable at all. What should I do? Wash his mother first. My wife cried when she washed her first. I said it's simple. I don't want my son to grow up to die and get everything he wants to wear. Nothing, tomorrow won't be given, he rebel like going crazy.

Everything that my wife says can't do, I prove it to my wife, everything that she thinks is wrong. I made it. I didn't see anyone doing what my wife said. I just tried to bring MCD, then I parked at the Tomyam shop. Look at all the faces that are slammed. But no one is crying.

That's where it all started. Until one part I saw my wife still wrongly. I said it's simple.

′′ Want something big, need a big sacrifice. If you maintain like this, it's too wrong that you have to follow all your child's wishes, you're afraid to say NO and then you're crying and tired of your brother Trust me. Just like this, you'll lose your brother. Choose. ′′ ′′

Hah my wife was shaking at that time.

Yes, it's not easy to fight the mother's instinct. I really understand. But have to remember, you want to be sad until when you just want to entertain the extreme motherhood instincts? How do you want your child to grow up? What's he doing today, he's already big tomorrow. You're poor, he asks for something you can't fulfill. You think he got it? That's the wrong time he just said this sentence.

′′ Why is my mom not like someone else's mom. It's okay. I am not important ′′

Heart was shaking at that time. He didn't tell me 100 times, once didn't let him release such a painful sentence?

I'm nothing, kids like this even more men, have to grow up to be men. Not a bapok, not a Kpop. Man. The world will come far more evil. Responsibility is far bigger. It is compulsory to grow up to be a man. I repeat.

MEN.

That's when my wife slowly became a mad mother. Kah kah kah. The kids were shocked at that time. Suddenly mom is good at screaming? Suddenly mom is good at tunjal head? Suddenly mom is good at slapping? Suddenly mom dares to throw her phone against the wall?

Most power if a child I say near her mother,

′′ Mom doesn't love me, I hate mom.."

If my wife used to hear this verse, she will feel sinful and crying. Now you know what my wife answer?

′′ Once you hate me, 100 times I hate you.."

Stunned again child. Feels like the tactical of playing sentiment is not going to be. Continue to continue doing homework.

After that the scene of running away from the middle of the night, haa my wife is already cuak. Look for me to tell my child to run home. Cleaning up the bag. If you're as a mother, are you rocking? 10-year-olds when they were running home. Other siblings are busy trying not to run away, they insist on running.

I told my wife I'm happy je.

′′ Do not persuade. Just ask him to run the house faster. Go help her pack the bag. Do not worry. I used to threaten my mother like this when I was small. When my mother is stupid, I stay outside for a while and then I will go home because it's scary outside the dark.. if you persuade, don't run away, believe Tomorrow he's busy threatening to run again."

My wife went down and asked her to leave her house faster. This kid won't go out after opening the door. Look at the dark outside. He immediately opened the saji headscarf, making him hungry. It's so hard to look at it.

Want to turn into a Lion, it looks evil. Many will talk about this. You say you don't love your children. If this part is not strong, it will be stupid to be eaten by these words. But you have to believe one thing. This mother and father knows her child better than all of you. He knows so much. Know which limit he can make or not. We who watch from outside don't pretend to teach other people's children, teach our own children first to let go. Look at our children today he appreciate us how.

I was worst being criticized at that time.

He said since my wife married me, my wife's attitude has changed. Getting harder. Fierce with the kids. And many more lah. I'm lazy to take a port. The one who speaks is a woman who has never tasted anything. Work is great. So bored listening to it. But I'm cooking so much, it's normal that the sound of this person's confirmation since childhood has never lived hard, the child and the one that is like diva is usually the same. Just deaf the ear. Focus on the mission for the good of the child to come.

After 3 years, I recently had a meeting with all my children. I ask, did you notice that mom used to be different from now?

All bobbing. Getting more ferocious and crazy people say.

I'm so happy to hear. Let go of that I said.

′′ Try all of you to look back at this day. What's the difference? Neno 8 years old can be brushed by school clothes. Already able to wipe Ayra out. Luth 10 years can wash everyone's dishes. Hoze is the most improvement. From my own world today, you are the most helping to work in your house. 13 years old, washing clothes, hanging clothes, sleeping ayraa, bathing ayraa. And many more. Anish, you are the eldest brother. Thank God. No more pushy. See you already understand the reality of being a brother. Every morning sitting in the kitchen helping mom cook.. that's okay. Proud for a while Dedi. Dedi is nothing, you ask Dedi's siblings if they are rude to his mother, what happens to them. Must eat Dedi's feet. You become a son, you have to be a protector to your mother. Don't make it a slave mother."

All sighs. I'm connecting again.

′′ Do you know why this Seremban house Dedi doesn't install air conditioner near Indeed Dedi doesn't let mom install air conditioner. Let me sleep hot. Learning how to use a fan. Dedi used to grow up but never sleeps in air conditioner, thank God I grew up healthy. Dedi wants anything can't just get like that. So men have to learn how to feel hard. So that tomorrow, you will learn to be grateful. I will remember your parents when they are happy. You'll be close to siblings, tomorrow this is what you'll laugh back when you tell the story. Trust me. All of these are the sweetest memories. Mother and father don't know when will die. Maybe tomorrow we die, at least Anish can take care of the younger siblings."

Everyone was laughing at that time. My eldest child will interrupt in a while.

′′ Dedi, but honestly Anish likes the current mother from mother before. Even though it's fierce, but it's true when I remember it again. All of us are good at all. I just noticed that someone else is 8 years old but doesn't even know how to take care of the baby who is a year old and shower and defecate. Luth has changed a lot. No more crying. Hardworking. Hoze has changed a lot of crazy. Playing with the phone. There's only one problem, when you have a relative, you can come, don't sit in the Just sit down once. Anyway, I swear, Anish loves the mother who was now from the old times. Even though the current mother is crazy saiko! Haha. Mom, you are Queen Of My Heart! Mother is crazy, before Anish didn't understand a lot. When Anish sees mom struggle, Anish becomes a pity. Just saw all the sacrifices of the mother for all of us."

Others bobbing heads agree and laugh with what brother anish he said.

All impressed when I remember back. Until neno's turn, she keeps crying. She really apologizes near her mom.

The most powerful, they are siblings when their aunt wants to ask them to come out. Each one has completed the job of who managed his / her sister's clothes this year, who will beat his / her younger sibling's pampers, who will manage his / her sister's pampers. All of them think for themselves. Talk to each other and manage the equipment of his little brother who is a year old. No need to have a mother with her dedi.

Power, isn't it? Two Aspergers, an ordinary person. The eldest has entered MRSM. It means that the number two child of ADD is taking over.

Even when I'm going back to hometown, my wife just gave me an order. They all clean up their own bags. My wife doesn't even mix a single dust. My wife looks like a big boss today. All homeworks are managed by the child. My wife's duty is to cook. Wash clothes, dry clothes, wash dishes, wash toilets, throw away garbage, shower ayra for a year, all the kids who manage it.

If I don't move, I won't let my wife shout out to other children. But mad at the eldest child. Let the eldest child be stressed. Whatever happened to the younger siblings, I told her mother to kill her eldest child. So when the younger siblings aren't working, fighting, the eldest brother already knows that he needs to be tiaw with his mother later. Didn't say much, he just settled his younger siblings. That's it brother!

Thank God. The story is only one. Our children, we know each other. There's a part of being fierce, there's a part that needs to be There's a part that can laugh. This mother has one veto power, but many are afraid to use it because she is not in other s' language and is so afraid that her child will hate It doesn't mean anything! It's boring to entertain the sentiment of pity that is extreme. You used to be your mother who hit your face, do you hate your mother to big? Nothing. We're fierce because we just want to educate. Not fierce all the time. More than firm. When you see your child hardworking, listen to it, there's a day that will give you a surprise Chocolate or what? Taking a walk to the park. Time with family has to be there.

If you're too spoiled, you can make your child become responsible and the person who will defend your family, I think that the Malay soldiers won't even be training hard as hard as possible. It's better for them to just pray for all the new soldiers. What do you want, everything is given. Wake up late, swipe your hair and then kiss your forehead. Even eating time is delicious. Sleeping at night comfortably, installing air conditioner. Put on the wifi.

What was it?

Before you want to say this person, ask ourselves first. Our 7-year-old child eats, is he good at washing his own dishes? Do you know how to follow your time schedule? Can you brush your own school clothes?

If you're not good at anything, don't make me feel bad about the way other father's mother educate someone's child.

The hardest episode in educating children at this age. Believe me, this will all be a longing for the kids when they leave the house later. And this also makes them siblings get closer.

Patience, victory day is coming! Early sacrifice is the most important. Fight all the wrong feelings that always play in the soul. Only one thing you have to remember, as long as you don't fight with religion. Mom is never wrong! Angry, fierce lah. Do not worry. Continue to educate our ways. Don't forget the power of Veto!

Eh forgot, waimah is a special child. What the doctor said put number two. Accompanying kids like normal kids before but there's a limit. Don't teach him to be a special child since you were young. We know our children again, right? Because I always believe, crazy people when we clap their hands twice when they want to take our food, the third time they will understand and won't take it anymore. That's the crazy person. So, Don't let the child know he's special. Don't disturb her brain. Just entertaining the same thing.

Everyone is like that. If he feels like there are advantages, there is someone who defends more, he will start to get a chance. Can't believe it? You try to pamper your child crazy. Let go of the try in front of you, someone tease him less, you see how he has torn to tears later he will get your attention.

Anyway..

Only one thing I'm still failing. Failed to change their name call among siblings. No call Along, Angah, Bangde. I feel strongly, calling this name also has a certain advantage to put the difference between the younger brother and brother. There is a family aura.

Don't forget, Father's role in psychology is important to be crazy. Because with this mother, no matter how fierce it is, the child is brave to fight. Dad must be good at playing roles. No need to touch, you need to know when you want to have a high voice. When you want to call your child, sit down and talk about others.

Become a child idol.

Trust me, step child and biological child two things that are impossible. Because the power of VETO only exists in biological children. This step child has a risk that you need to face. What happened to them, people will say that you don't love them because it's not your biological child. Painful and sad that sentence is for me. Allah knows how I love them.

I wrote it,
Mr Amir Lake

P / s: In the past my wife was criticized by the Aspie group when my wife said she educated her aspie's child in the way she was a little firm. All sorts of people are teasing, he said that this aspie child will take revenge and kill him. Have to be teased every day. Poor. My wife doesn't agree with my actions early because she holds the doctor's order. Today, I'm asking my child aspie. Tomorrow if mom gets disturbed by someone else in front of you what will you do? What did he answer? I'll hit him enough! And I asked my wife, how about the person who teased her child? He said his child is under control but sometimes he's raging badly until he's about to breath. At the same time today my child aspie is good at cooking, can do all homework and love his siblings so much.

Mr. Amir Lake creditTranslated

My sister, Michelle-Ann Iking's 3% chance of conceiving naturally was a success! Here's her story:

(My apologies as I've been overwhelmed with personal matters. I've only managed to get to my desk. So finally got around posting this).

This is the story behind my sister's pregnancy struggle and how she shared her journey over her Facebook page.

Because some may have not caught her LIVE session chat with me (https://www.facebook.com/daphneiking/videos/687743128744960/) , or read her lengthy post (as it's a private page);
she's allowed me to copy and paste it over my wall, in case you need to know more about her thought process on how AND why she focused on the 3% success probability. Read on.

-------------------------------------------

Posted 10th May 2020.
FB Credit: Michelle-Ann Iking

A week ago today I celebrated becoming a mother to our second, long awaited child.

Please forgive this mother's LONG (self-indulgent) post, journalling what this significant milestone has meant for her personally, for her own fallible memory's sake as well as maybe to share one day with her son.

If all you were wondering was whether I had delivered and if mum and bub are OK, please be assured the whole KkLM family are thriving tremendously, and continue scrolling right along your Newsfeed 😁.

OUR 3% MIRACLE

All babies are miracles... and none more so than our precious Kiaen Aaryan (pronounced KEY-n AR-yen), whose name derives from Sanskrit origins meaning:

Grace of God
Spiritual
Kind
Benevolent

...words espousing the gratitude Kishore and I feel for Kiaen's arrival as our "3% miracle".

He was conceived, naturally, after 3 years of Kishore and I hoping, praying and 'endeavoring'... and only couples for whom the objective switches from pure recreation to (elusive) procreation will understand how this is less fun than it sounds ...

3 years during which time we had consensus from 3 different doctors that we, particularly I (with my advancing age etc etc) had only a 3% chance of natural conception and that our best hope for a sibling for our firstborn, Lara Anoushka, was via IVF.

Lara herself was an 'intervention baby', being one of the 20% of babies successfully conceived through the less intrusive IUI process, after a year and a half of trying naturally and already being told then my age was a debilitating factor.

We had tried another round of IUI for her sibling in 2017 when Lara was a year old. And that time we fell into the ranks of the 80% of would-be parents for whom it would be an exercise in futility... who would go home, comfort each other as best they could, while individually masking their own personal disappointment... hoping for the best, 'the next time around'...

So the improbability ratio of 97% against natural conception of our second baby, as concurred by the combined opinion of 3 medical professionals, was a very real, very daunting figure for us to have to mentally deal with.

Deep, DEEP, down in my heart however, though I had many a day of doubt... I kept a core kernel of faith that somehow, I would again experience the privilege of pregnancy, and again, have a chance at childbirth.

And so, the optimist in me would tell myself, "Well, there have to be people who fall in the 3% bucket... why shouldn't WE be part of the 3%?"

Those who know me well, understand my belief in the Law of Attraction, the philosophy of focusing your mind only on what you want to attract, not on what you don't want, and so even as Kishore and I prepared to go into significant personal debt to attempt IVF in the 2nd half of 2019, I marshalled a last ditch effort to hone in on that 3% chance of natural conception... through research coming across fertility supplements that I ordered from the US and sent to a friend in Singapore to redirect to me because the supplier would not deliver to Malaysia.

I made us as a couple take the supplements in the 3 month 'priming period' in the lead up to the IVF procedure - preconditioning our bodies for optimum results, if you will.

At the same time, I had invested in a sophisticated fertility monitor, with probes and digital sensors for daily tracking of saliva and other unmentionable fluid samples, designed to pinpoint with chemical accuracy my state of fertility on any given day.

(UPDATE: For those interested - I obtained the supplements and Ovacue Fertility Monitor from https://www.fairhavenhealth.com/. Though I had my supplies delivered to a friend in Singapore, and redirected to me here since the US site does not deliver to Malaysia, there are local distributors for these products, you will just have to research the trustworthiness of the vendors yourself...)

I had set an intention - in the 3 months of pre-IVF priming, I would consume what seemed like a pharmacy's worth of supplements, and track fertility religiously... in hopes that somehow, within the 3 month priming period, we would conceive naturally and potentially save ourselves a down payment on a new property... and this was just a projection on financial costs of IVF, not even considering the physical, emotional and mental toll it involves, with no guarantee of a baby at the end of it all...

It was a continuation of an intention embedded even with my first pregnancy, where all the big ticket baby items were consciously purchased for use by a future sibling, in gender neutral colours, in hopes that sibling would be a brother "for a balanced pair", though of course any healthy child would be a welcome blessing.

It was a very conscious determination to always skew my thoughts in service of what the end objective was. For example, when 3+year old Lara would innocently express impatience at not yet having a sibling, at one point suggesting that since we were "taking too long to give her a baby brother/sister", perhaps we should just "go buy a baby from a shop", instead of getting defensive or berating the baby that she herself was, we enlisted Lara's help to pray for her sibling... so in any place of worship, or sacred ground of any kind that we passed thereon, Lara would stop, close her eyes, bow her small head and place her tiny hands together in prayer, reciting earnestly, "Please God, please give me a baby brother or baby sister."

After months and months of watching Lara do this, in the constancy of her childlike chant, Kishore started feeling the pressure of possibly disappointing Lara if her prayer was not answered. Whereas for me, Lara's recitation of her simple wish became like a strengthening mantra, our collective intention imbued with greater power with each repetition, and the goal of a sibling kept very much in the forefront of our minds (hence our calling Lara our 'project manager' in this endeavour).

And somehow in the 2nd month of that 3 month period, a positive + sign appeared on one of the home pregnancy tests I had grown accustomed to taking - my version of the lottery tickets others keep buying in hopes of hitting the jackpot, with all the cyclical anticipation and more often than not, disappointment, that entails...

This time however I was not disappointed.

With God's Grace, (hence 'Kiaen', a variation of 'Kiaan' which means 'Grace of God'), my focus on our joining the ranks of the 3% had materialised.

It seems poetic then, that Kiaen chose to make his appearance on the 3rd May, ironically the same date that his paternal great-grandfather departed this world for the next... such that in the combined words of Kishore and his father Kai Vello Suppiah,

"The 1st generation Suppiah left on 3rd May and the 4th generation Suppiah arrived on 3rd May after 41yrs...
One leaves, another comes, the legacy lives on..."

***

KIAEN AARYAN SUPPIAH'S BIRTH STORY

On Sunday 3rd May, I was 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

The baby was, in my mind, very UN-fashionably late past his due date of 29th April, so as much as I had willed and 'manifested' the privilege of pregnancy, to say I was keen to be done with it all was an understatement.

In the weeks leading to up to my full term, I had experienced increasingly intense Braxton-Hicks 'practice contractions' - annoying for me for the discomfort involved, stressful for Kishore who was on tenterhooks with the false alarms, on constant alert for when we would actually need to leave home for the hospital.

Having become a Hypnobirthing student and advocate from my first pregnancy with Lara, and thus being equipped with
(1) a lack of fear about childbirth in general and
(2) a basic understanding of how all the sensations I would experience fit into the big picture of my body bringing our baby closer to us,
I was less stressed - content to wait for the baby to be "fully cooked" and come out whenever he was ready... though I wouldn't have minded at all if the cooking time ended sooner, rather than later.

With Lara, I had been somewhat 'forced' into an induced labour, even though she was not yet due, and that had resulted in a 5 DAY LABOUR, a Birth Story for another post, so I was not inclined to chemically induce labour, even though I was assured that for second time mothers, it would be 'much faster and easier'...

That morning, I had a hunch *maybe* that day was the day, because in contrast to previous weeks' sensations of tightening, pressure and even spasms that were concentrated in the front of my abdomen and occasionally shot through my sides and legs, I felt period - like cramping in my lower back which I had not felt before throughout the pregnancy.

It was about 8am in the morning then, and my 'surges' were still relatively mild ('surges' being Hypnobirthing - speak for 'contractions', designed to frame them with the more positive connotations needed to counteract common language in which childbirth is presented as something that is unequivocally painful and traumatic, instead of the miraculous, powerful and natural phenomenon it actually is).

I recall (masochistically?) entertaining the thought of opting NOT to have an epidural JUST TO SEE WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE...

I figured this would be the last time I would be pregnant and so it would be my 'last chance' to experience 'drug free labour' which, apart from the health benefits for baby and mother, might be *interesting* in a way that people who are curious about what getting a tattoo and skydiving and bungee jumping are like, might find these *interesting*...even knowing there will be pain and risk involved...

Since I have tried tattoos and skydiving (unfortunately not being able to squeeze in bungee-jumping while my life was purely my own to risk at no dependents' possible detriment) a similar curiousity about a no-epidural labour was on my mind...

In the absence of other signs of the onset of labour (like 'bloody show' or my waters breaking), I wanted to wait until the surges were coming every few minutes before we actually left the house for the hospital, not wanting to be one of those couples who rushed in too early and had interminable waits for the next stage in unfamiliar, clinical surroundings and/or were made to go home in an anti-climatic manner.

I was even calm enough through my surges to have the presence of mind to wash and blowdry my hair, knowing if I did deliver soon I would not be allowed this luxury for a while.

Around 9am I asked Kishore to prep for Lara and himself to be dressed and breakfasted so we could head to hospital soon, while I sent messages to family members on both sides informing them 'today might be the day.'

My mother, who had briefly served as a midwife before going back into general nursing and then becoming a nursing tutor, prophetically stated that if what I was experiencing was true labour, "the baby would be out by noon".

The pace in which my surges grew closer together was surprisingly quicker than I expected; and while I asked Lara to "Hurry up with breakfast" with only a tad more urgency than we normally tell her to do, little Missy being prone to dilly-dallying at meals, I probably freaked Kishore out when about 930am onwards, I had to instinctively get on my hands and knees a couple of times, eyes closed, trying to practice the Hypnobirthing breathing techniques I had revised to help along the process of my body birthing our child into the world.

I recall him saying a bit frantically as I knelt at our front door, doubled over as he waited for Lara to complete something or other, "Lara hurry up! Can't you see Mama is in so much pain and you are taking your own sweet time??!!"

SIDETRACK: Just the night before, Lara and I had watched a TV show in which a woman gave birth with the usual histrionics accompanying pop culture depictions of labour.

Lara watched the scene, transfixed.

I told her, simply and matter-of-factly, "That's what Mama has to do to get baby brother out Lara, and that's what I had to do for you also."

In most of interactions with my daughter, I have sought to equip her to face life's situations with calmness, truthful common sense, and ideally a minimum of drama.

Those who know the dramatic diva that Lara can be will know that this is a work-in-progress, but her response to me that night showed me some of my 'teachings' were sinking in:

She looked at me unfazed, "But Mama," she said. "You won't cry and scream like that lady, right? You will be BRAVE and stay calm, right?"
#nopressure.

So as we prepped to leave for the hospital I did indeed attempt to be that role model of calm for her, asking her only for her help in keeping very quiet,
"Because Mama needs to focus on bringing baby brother out and she needs quiet to concentrate...".

As we left the house at 10.11am, I texted Kishore's sister Geetha to please prep to pick up Lara from the hospital, and was grateful Kishore had the foresight to ask our gynae to prepare a letter for Geetha to show any police roadblocks between my in-laws' home in Subang Jaya and the hospital in Bangsar, this all happening under the Movement Control Order (MCO).

To Lara's credit, in the journey over to the hospital, she - probably sensing the gravity of the situation, sat very quietly in her seat at the back, and the silence was punctuated only by my occasional deep intakes of breath and some variation of my Ohmmm-like moans when the sensations were at their height.

By the time we got to Pantai Hospital at around 10.30am, my surges were strong enough I requested a wheelchair to assist me in getting to the labour ward, as I did not trust my own legs to support me... and Kishore would have to wait until Geetha had arrived to take Lara back to my in-laws' house before he himself could go up.

I slumped in the wheelchair and was wheeled up to the labour room with my eyes closed the whole time, trying to handle my surges.

I didn't even look up to see the attendant who pushed me... but did make the effort to thank him sincerely when he handed me over, with what seemed like a palpable sense of relief on his part, to the labour ward nurses.

The nurse attending me at Pantai was calm, steady and efficient. I answered some questions and changed into my labour gown while waiting for Kishore to come up, all the while managing the increasingly intense surges with my rusty Hypnobirthing breathing techniques.

By the time Kishore joined me at around 11am (I know these timings based on the timestamps of the 'WhatsApp live feed' of messages Kishore sent to his family), I was asking the nurse on duty, "How soon can I get an epidural??" thinking what crazy woman thought she could do this without drugs???!!!

The nurse checked my cervix dilation, I saw her bloodied glove indicating my mucous plug had dislodged, and she told me, "Well you are already at 7cm (which, for the uninitiated, is 70% of the way to the 10cm dilation needed for birthing), you are really doing well, if you made it this far without any drugs, if can you try and manage without it... I suspect within 2 hours or less you will deliver your baby and since it will take about that time for the anaesthesiologist to be called, epidural to be administered and kick in... it might all be for nothing... but of course the decision is completely up to you... "

So there I was, super torn, should I risk the sensations becoming worse... or risk the epidural becoming a waste?? And of course I was trying to decide this as my labour surges were coming at me stronger and stronger...

I was in such a dilemma...because as a 'recovering approval junkie' there was also a silly element of approval-seeking involved, ("The nurse thinks I can do this without drugs... maybe I CAN do this without drugs... Yay me!") mixed with that element of curiosity I mentioned earlier ("What if I actually CAN do this without drugs... plenty of other women have done it all over the world since time immemorial.. no big deal, how bad can it be...??") so then I thought I would use the financial aspect to be the 'tiebreaker' in my decision making...

I asked the nurse how much an epidural would cost and when she replied "Around MYR1.5k", I still remember Kishore's incredulous face as I asked the question, i.e."Seriously babe, you are gonna think about money right now? If you need the epidural TAKE IT, don't worry about the money!!!"... and while we are not rich by any stretch of the imagination, thankfully RM1.5k is not a quantum that made me swing towards a decision to "better save the money"...

So in the end, I guess my curiosity won out, and I turned down the epidural "just to see what it would be like and if I had it in me" (in addition of course to avoiding the side effects of any drugs introduced into my and the baby's body).

My labour occuring in the time of coronavirus, it was protocol for me to have a COVID19 test done, so the medical staff could apply the necessary precautions. I had heard from a friend Sharon Ruba that the test procedure was uncomfortable, so when the nurse came with the test kit as I was starting another surge, I asked, "Please can I just finish this surge before I do the test?" as I really didn't think I could multitask tackling multiple uncomfortable sensations in one go.

The COVID19 test involved what felt like a looong, skinny cotton bud being inserted into one nostril... I definitely felt more than a tickle as it went in and up, being told to take deep breaths by the nurse. Then she asked me to "Try to swallow" and I felt it go into my nasal cavities where I didn't think anything could go any further, but was proven wrong when she asked me to swallow again and the swab was probed even deeper. Then she warned me there would be some slight discomfort as she prepared to collect a sample... but at that point all I could think about was:

(i) I really don't have much of a choice
(ii) please let this be over before my next surge kicks in
(iii) if all the people breaking the MCO rules knew what it feels like to do this test maybe they won't put themselves at risk of the need to perform one...

In full disclosure as I was transferred into the actual delivery room at some point after 11am, another nurse offered me 'laughing gas' to ostensibly take some of the edge off... I took the self-operated breathing nozzle passed to me but don't recall it making any difference to my sensations..so didn't use it much as it seemed pretty pointless.

I recall some measure of relief when I heard my gynae Dr. Paul entering the room, greeting Kishore and me, and telling us it was going well and it wouldn't be long now and he would see us again shortly.

From my previous labour with Lara I knew the midwives pretty much take you 90% of the way through the labour and when the Dr is called in you are really at the home stretch, so was very relieved to hear his voice though knowing he would leave and come back later meant it wasn't quite over yet.

I do remember realising when I had crossed the Thinning and Opening Phase of labour to the Birthing Phase, by the change in sensations... it is still amazing to me that as the Hypnobirthing book mentioned, having this knowledge I was instinctively able to switch breathing techniques for the next stage of labour .

Was my opting against epidural the right choice for me?

Overall? Yes.

Don't get me wrong.

I *almost* regretted the decision several times during active labour... especially when I felt my body being taken over by an overwhelming compulsion to push that did not seem conscious and was accompanied by involuntary gutteral moans where I literally just thought to myself, "I surrender, God do with me what you will..." (super dramatic I know but VERY real at the time...).

I think I experienced 3-4 such natural explusive reflexes (?), rhythmically pushing the baby down the birth path, one of which was accompanied by what felt like a swoosh of water coming out of a hose with a diameter the size of a golf ball... this was when I realised my water had finally broken...

The nurses kept instructing me to do different things, to keep breathing, to move to my side, then to move to the middle, to raise my feet... and when I didn't comply, Kishore (who was with me throughout both my labours) tried to help them by repeating the instructions prefaced with "Sayang..." but I basically ignored all the intructions because I felt I had no capacity to direct any part of my body to do anything and someone else would have to physically manoeuvre that body part themselves.

When I heard Dr. Paul's voice again and the flurry of commotion surrounding his presence, I knew the time was close... and when I heard the nurse say to Kishore, "Sir, these are your gloves, for when you cut the baby's cord", it was music to my ears...

I'm very, VERY grateful Kiaen slid out after maybe the 4th of those involuntary pushes... the wave of RELIEF when he came out so quickly... it still boggles my mind that my mother was essentially right and as his birth time was 12.02pm, it was *only* about 1.5 hours between our arrival at the hospital and his arrival into the world.

Kiaen was placed on my chest for skin to skin bonding and remained there for a considerable time.

For our short stay in the hospital he would be with us in my maternity ward number C327... another trivially serendipitous sign for me because he was born on the 3rd (May) and our wedding anniversary is 27th (July).

I was discharged the following day 4th May at about 5.30pm, after I got an all clear on COVID19 and a paediatric surgeon did a small procedure on Kiaen to address a tongue-tie that would affect his breastfeeding latch... making the entire duration of our stay about 31 hours.

I have taken the time and effort to record all this down so that whenever life's challenges threaten to get me down I can remind myself, "Ignore the 97% failure probability, focus on the 3% success probability".

Also that the human condition is miraculous and it is such a privilege to experience it.

To our son Kiaen Aaryan, thank you for coming into our lives and choosing us as your parents.

Even though Papa and I are both zombies trying to settle into a night time feeding routine with you, I look forward to spending not only all future Mother's Days, but every day, with you and your Akka...

And last but not least, to my husband Kishore...without whom none of this would be possible - we did it sayang, I love you ❤️

Photo credit: Stayhome session with Samantha Yong Photography (http://samanthayong.com/)