#Night听心电图
“我马上就知道了。我每年都进行乳癌检查，很清楚了解不正常是如何的。银幕上的那肿瘤很清晰，黑漆漆的很可怕。但是我没有感到失措。我很平静。
动手术那天是情人节。你知道吗？那是我这一辈子最美好的情人节，因为那一天的时光，我用来呵护自己。
我的童年时光很困苦，后来长达20年的时间，我都在经营一段艰辛的感情。那段关系结束后，我用工作逃避一切。像是一只在转轮中的仓鼠，我越跑越快。这一切仿佛很合理，毕竟我的领域是女权组织。我总觉得我在为更伟大的事情付出，但其实我的工作只是不断地写报道。实话一句，这过程里我自己的改变，比为这个国家造成的改变更大。我几近燃尽了自己。我没有自己的时间。我的孩子都长大了，于是我开始怀疑自己是不是还有活着的意义。
四个月前，癌症找上了我。那是一份裹得很难看的礼物，实为一种恩赐。我控制不了它，我被逼坦然地接受它。现在的我，会允许自己什么都不做。找朋友聚一聚。腾出时间让自己放空。我很感恩，我开始会问自己像 "我想要在什么地方过日子？“ ”我想要做什么？“ 之类的问题——一些我从来没有腾出时间问自己的问题。
但最重要的是，我正好好地照顾我自己。我的按摩预约时间到了，不好意思，我必须出发了。“
活着不是为了寻找伟大的意义，而是活成自己喜欢的样子。好好地照顾自己。
梦想不必伟大，心跳必须炙热。
“I knew immediately. I get a breast exam every year, so I know what normal is supposed to look like. I could see the tumor on the screen. It was messy. It was black. But I didn’t feel shocked. I was calm. My surgery was scheduled for Valentine’s Day. And you know what? That was the most beautiful Valentine’s Day of my life. Because I spent it taking care of myself. I had a difficult childhood. Then I had a very hard love story that lasted for twenty years. And when that came to an end, I escaped into my work. I was like a hamster in a wheel: faster, faster, faster. It was easy to rationalize because I work in Women’s Rights. I felt involved in something bigger than myself. But I just wrote reports about the situation. Honestly I changed myself much more than the country. I was worn down. I had no free time. And my children are grown, so I was wondering if I had any reason to live anymore. Then four months ago the cancer came. It was a blessing in a shitty package. It was something I couldn’t control. And I was forced to accept that. Right now I’m not doing anything. I’m visiting with friends. I’m taking time to relax. I’m feeling grateful. And I’m asking myself big questions: ‘Where would I like to live?’ ‘What would I like to do?’ Questions I never had the time to ask. But most importantly I’m taking care of myself. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for my massage appointment.”
(Paris, France)
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