【孩子的心理平安】
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
I laughed as I read this quote by Franklin Jones.
Without fail, almost every lesson, this 7-year-old boy would gamely walk up to me and bellow, "老師，我好喜歡你啊！" (Teacher, I like you so much!)
He was rather tall and big for his age. Last week, he gave me a bear hug out of the blue, nearly knocking me over like a bowling pin.
To encourage him to speak more Mandarin, I engaged him in a conversation and asked, "你爲什麼那麽喜歡李老師？" (Why do you like me so much?)
He chirped excitedly with his toothy grin, "因爲你很漂亮！" (Because you are very pretty!)
I don't know whether to cry or to laugh.
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This Facebook comment from Madam Teo struck a chord with me:
"我們用很長很長很長的時間把自己或孩子「弄壞」，然後期待以非常簡潔廉價的方式拿回那已經長茧的健康心理。"
We used a very very very long period of time to damage ourselves or our children. Then we look forward to reclaim that once healthy mindset, which is now infested with worms, with very cheap, easy and clean methods.
It is extremely hard to be a parent, much less a capable one.
Sometimes, there is nothing more ego tripping than trying to be a good parent.
Recently, I got hold of this book and the foreword written by a magazine editor, who is a working mum of two, was particularly insightful, and somewhat poignant.
She wrote:
從孩子一出生開始，我們爲人父母者的腦子裡就會出現兩個字：教育。我們希望通過「教育」讓孩子知書達理、令行禁止、敏而好學、從善如流。我們希望通過「教育」來塑造我們和孩子之間良好的關係⋯⋯祇是，「教育」二字帶來的強大使命感和緊迫感讓我們忽略了這樣的事實：我們與孩子之間先有關係，後有教育，我們首先是一個生命與另一個生命的親密組合，其次才是一個生命幫助另一個生命成爲更好的自己（且不論究竟是誰幫誰）。
From the beginning of a child's birth, the word that appears in the brains of us parents would be "education".
We hope that through "education", our children will be highly cultured and steeped in propriety, obey orders, smart and fond of studying, and follow good advice readily.
We wish that through "education", we build good relations with our children.
Thing is, the strong sense of mission and urgency, drummed by the word "education", often causes us to neglect this fact: We first have a relationship with our children, before education comes in.
We and our children, are essentially an intimate combination of one life with another life.
Secondly, it is then about one life helping another life to become a better version of himself/herself. (Let's not talk about who is actually helping who.)
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These got me thinking about my work and my clients.
How some of them would move homes to be near the desired schools for their offspring.
How they send their kids to many many enrichment classes.
How they work very hard (some become SAHMs) to have better abilities to groom and nurture their children for their future.
They share the same aspiration as the magazine editor. It is no secret that most Singaporean parents take education very seriously. Instead of the phrase Tiger Mum, in Singapore, we call ourselves Lion Mums. #MajulahSingapura *mane flick*
When a male client came back seeking my Feng Shui service, I asked him why. I asked every client why by the way. It is my method of understanding my appeal to my market.
He told me he got favourable results since our Bazi consultation. His little girl getting into the school of their first choice was one reason.
It was a casual mention then when he told me about the school application. Through him, I learnt about the stress parents go through to get their children enrolled in the right schools. Out of empathy, I asked for his daughter's birth details and did a quick calculation to see if their preferred school was a good choice for her Bazi. Just because the parents like a particular school, does not mean the child will really benefit and be happy studying there.
Jackpot, it was great for the little girl. I gave my client some tips to secure the coveted spot in that school. It was a little extra bonus I gave him beyond the usual Bazi consultation. He had been mildly supportive of my work and remained polite, when I pointed out his areas to improve in our interactions.
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More than once, clients have asked me if they can move homes to be near a particular school, for the sake of their children.
My answer is:
Always consider your marriage and livelihood first.
The energies in our living environment can either nurture us or break us. Not all houses are made equal.
If you are in a bad luck cycle, pretty sure you would know it without a fortune teller telling you, chances are you would be attracted to a house of poor Feng Shui. For without the intervention of a Feng Shui practitioner, the state of our Bazi determines the kind of Feng Shui we will naturally get.
The husband is considered the master of the house. While grooming our children is essential, you shouldn't compromise on the husband's career by moving into a house of lousy Feng Shui, just so that the child can register into your dream school.
Money woes, stagnant growth and loss of direction/drive in life can nail a stake into an otherwise happy family.
Last I know, broken families and highly strung parents are never recommended ingredients for happy and emotionally secure children.
The more family members there are, the more delicate my job is. To ensure every family member gets to benefit from great Feng Shui, within the constraints of a house, is always the most challenging part of my job.
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Parents are the first and most intimate teachers of a child.
If a child does not have good role models to look up to at home, sending them to good schools will not have the desired impact as you crave.
Why?
Your DNA runs in the blood cells of your child. Say if you are a lazy person, who has a strong sense of entitlement, it is very likely your child's character will mirror yours. No matter what school he or she is in.
Because a child spends more time at home, with the family, than with his or her teachers.
Parenting is made even more challenging, if the father or mother lacks certain mental nourishment in his or her growing up years and is unable to repair and replenish himself or herself during the adulthood.
The deficient parent would not know how to give those nutrients to his or her child. And a vicious cycle ensues.
At different ages, a child will need different mental nutrition from the parents. These critical nutrients will form the backbone of the child's attitude in life, towards his or her education, marriage, career, lifestyle, family relations, friendships, money management, virtues and morals, ability to endure hardships, solve problems and pick up knowledge.
These mental nutrients are to be adequately given to the child before the age of 7.
One example of a mental nutrient the author raised in her book is the child's sense of importance.
Every child desires to feel valued by the parents. Especially between 0-3 years old. If the parents are emotionally unavailable and does not show to the child that he or she is very important to them, the child will instinctively seek this nutrient from another replacement adult.
Could be the grandparents or school teachers.
If he or she never manage to find this sense of being highly valued, he or she will spend his whole life looking for it.
They may fall in love with someone while still in secondary school, hoping that their partner will see them as the most important person in their lives.
As they get older, they will pester their partner with questions like:
• Am I the most important person in your life?
• How important am I?
• If I am a very terrible person, have a very bad character, will you still love me?
...
A quest like this consumes a lot of life energies for both persons in such a relationship. The child may over compromise on himself or herself in a relationship, just to be (the illusion of being) wanted and loved.
Over the past 11 years, I've worked with enough children and adults to see the truth in this author's comprehensive analysis.
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When I do story telling to children, I tend to omit violence. For e.g. if the bad guy is caught and killed, I may modify the plot by saying that he is caught and thrown into prison.
I don't want the children to think that killing another person solves everything. There are already young boys, who go around the class shooting finger guns at their classmates and teachers, and calling it "fun".
While a good school makes a lot of difference, I also think attending religious classes is valuable for young children.
A child who only attends classes for self development will not learn enough to have the motivation to help others. Because those classes focus on his personal success, how to win the race, and not how he can help and love beyond his family and friends. Much less about how to break free from the endless wheel of reincarnation.
Some parents will tell me, they don't want to force their children into a religion at such a young age.
The dramatic irony when they "force" their child to go for tutition after tuition.
Sending your child to Buddhism lessons or Sunday school does not equate to coercing the child into a religion.
Religious classes build deep mental strength at a very different dimension from secular classes.
It teaches gratitude, altruism, compassion, karma, humility, filial piety, repentance (being able to admit you're wrong), precepts (do the right thing) and internal peace.
It shows the child the beauty of forgiveness and forbearance.
Religion also nourishes the child's soul by letting him or her know how important he or she is in the eyes of God, Buddha etc.
The child learns to make sense of the world he is living in and the purpose of his existence.
Jesus was betrayed, tortured and died on the cross. He spreaded the Gospel for only 12 short years. Buddha's blood-related disciple, Devadatta, plotted to kill Him with a drunk elephant but failed. He spoke poison of Buddha and eventually left Buddha, taking away with him 500 monks.
These are all extraordinary men who endured incredible hardships for Their cause. They, as with many great prophets, are the superheroes of Their time.
Thousands of years later, They withstood the test of time and are still highly revered all over the world.
Are Their stories not worth reading to our children? Is there nothing our children can learn from Them, to cope with the stress they will face?
Children don't tell us parents everything. By establishing this spiritual channel of communication, we cross our fingers (and toes) that our precious ones will not go leaping off from their room's window when things are rocky for them and they feel invalidated.
You should still allow the child to choose his or her own faith when they grow up. At least by then, you have built a (hopefully) good foundation of love, strength and empathy in your child when you had the chance to.
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Proactive parents come to me to get their children's Bazi analysed, because they want to understand their children better and propel them in the right direction of growth.
They wish that their children can live a life more fulfilling than theirs, without having to fall too much.
If religion and Chinese Metaphysics aren't your cup of Teh Tarik, then I highly recommend this book that I am reading.
It is an equally good book for a "malnourished" adult to understand himself or herself.
I couldn't find it in Singapore bookstores, so the Husband bought my copy from an online Malaysia bookstore.
There are many Q&As in this book for parents with real-life problems in managing their children. The author gave very sensible and feasible recommendations. These were complied from the author's monthly column in the magazine and her 10,000+ strong real-life case studies.
Most people don't get to unleash their life potential this lifetime, because they lack the mentors and the mental nourishment to realise the powers of their Bazi.
Some of them blame their parents. But there is only so long you can blame them. How long more do you want to put your happiness in the hands of your parents? For the next 60 years? Perhaps like you, they didn't have parents who are adept at giving them the mental nourishment.
I don't think it matters whether you repair yourself when you are an adult or you, as a parent, only realise now what you have been doing wrong.
As long as we are willing to change and improve, we can always make up for lost time.
Better late than never.
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《心理营养》
林文采 / 伍娜 / Shanghai Academy of Social Science Press / 288页 / Hardcover / 2016-3-1
心理营养的内容简介：
正如身体的健康需要物质营养，孩子心灵的成长与心理力量的强大必须获取足够的心理营养。
在成长的不同阶段，给足孩子恰当的心理营养，也就给了他一生幸福的底层代码。
本书中，作者阐述了“心理营养”的理念，同时介绍了气质理论在亲子教育中的应用。结合“心理营养”的理念和气质理论，作者从12个方面全方位回答了父母育儿中的常见问题。
五大心理营养：无条件的接纳；此时此刻，我生命中你最重要；安全感；肯定、赞美、认同；学习、认知、模范。
生命中的“五朵金花”：爱的能力；独立自主；联结；价值感；安全感。
12个方面的问题：
安全感 •情绪管理 •性格难题 •行为偏差 •社交与社会化 •夫妻关系 •妈妈的自我成长和支持 •父亲养育 •隔代养育 •性教育 •疑难表现 •其他生活琐事
